Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

There is a world of difference between saying ‘I’m really sorry but I find this conversation very upsetting and triggering, do you mind if we change it?’ and simply declaring ‘I don’t want to hear this’

No, there isn't.

You don't seem to get this.

It is not your call to say how someone expresses their wish to not discuss certain subjects. They don't have to conform to your narrow ideal or speak the perfect script to get a pass from you.

I have been in a situation where I had to sit through a play (about rape) in a work context and by the end I was close to having a full panic attack or fainting. It was a work context and I was not in any way willing to share anything personal or to say it was "triggering" which is obviously a giveaway. You don't seem to get that not everyone is able or willing to reveal intensely personal, traumatic things, or more importantly, that it is 'discourteous' not to do so.

There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't want to hear this". Nothing.

Because the only person who matters to @TedMullins is @TedMullins

@TedMullins so you have the right to inflict trauma on other people because you have suffered trauma.

awful.

And this is absolutely fine. You wouldn’t meet my needs as a friend and I wouldn’t meet yours. As I said earlier, we are incompatible. I don’t like your approach for myself personally and I want to share my life with open people. You are absolutely within your rights not to like this and find like minded people who suit you.

I agree, you shouldn’t have to make this sacrifice in your friendships, but neither should I have to censor myself in mine. The answer is for someone like you and someone like me to simply…not be friends. In fact in one of my earliest posts I said to the OP this person is not right as a friend for her.

TedMullins phone is going to melt down with all the @s.

Yes, you’re right, I am my top priority in my life. More women should try it.

@TedMullins That’s fine but that still doesn’t give you the right to force specific conversations on anyone.

IN YOUR OPINION. I’m entitled to find someone saying that rude and dismissive just as you’re entitled to find it acceptable.

Yes, you’re right, I am my top priority in my life. More women should try it.

You're the only priority. You don't care how uncomfortable you make someone or what trauma others have experienced, as long as you can talk about yourself.

I am top priority in my life. Hence ...recently deciding not to listen to anyone's trauma.

Actually it’s been a really interesting example of how narcissists centre themselves hasn’t it.

a few people on here have talked about growing up with narcissist parents who always. Roughy it back to their own trauma. which was certaainly very much my experience.

narcisism is itself usually caused by trauma. Doesn’t make that person any less a narcissist or make what what they then go onto to do any less abusive.

@TedMullins has managed to shift the focus of the thread on to her and her pain and her rage - with total disregard for the pain and trauma of other posters. and indeed of the rage.

and unsurprisingly I have fallen right into the pattern of also focussing on the narcissist.

so sorry OP - I don’t think you sound like a narcissist at all. I think you sound like someone in an awful lot of pain who hasn’t yet found a way to soothe and resolve that pain. I really really hope that you can find a way that works to do this and you can go on to find joy in friendships.

Oh come on, you are now being obtuse. Surely nobody behaves like this in the real world.

I have just had a really conversation with my ASD son about how to phrase things in a way that takes other people's feelings into account and apparently functioning grown women need it too?

Christ alive.

@TedMullins .
You really are something else. So self absorbed it's astounding. I really can't imagine you have a wide social circle. You are just one of those people most people would meet once and then avoid you like the plague. But you really can't see it can you. Just one of those really irksome people.

trauma of other people and indeed the OP

But you clearly also think you are the top priority in everyone else's life too, unless they've spoken your pre-selected words in the TedMullins-approved way that means that it's a very rare situation where your feelings don't "trump" everyone else's.

Genuine question, do you really believe that or do you understand that in the context of a heated message board debate on one subject you actually can tell nothing at all about that person in real life apart from their view on one very narrow subject?

Not being sarcastic, I see these messages and I always wonder if its peoples emotions getting the better of them and they want to lash out and hurt the other person or do they genuinely believe it. Wanted to take the opportunity to ask while I'm not the subject.

I was responding to @TedMullins saying that it is only acceptable for a rape victim to say that they don't want to talk about rape if they say that it is "triggering" for them. Which is essentially the same thing as saying "I have been raped". Which funnily enough, a lot of us don't want to do. Or can't.

@TedMullins stated repeatedly that only her feelings matter, no one else's. She literally said her feelings 'trump' everyone else's. I would run a mile from a person like this in real life. I have met them as I'm sure we all have.

Oh okay, I didn't get the context. I thought you meant as opposed to a more polite way of saying it.

Apologies.

I wouldn't be telling my friends things like this I would be telling my counsellor or a family member. People do t want to be burdened with sadness. Friendships are there to uplift you not being you down

Good for you. Genuinely. I might not agree with your approach or find it compatible with how I operate or what want in friends, but I respect people who know themselves. I have far more respect for someone who would just go ‘you know what, we’re not compatible as people, you’re a sharer and listener and I’m not’ and removing themselves from my life, than someone berating me for how I am and my beliefs and insinuating I’m wrong, selfish, trauma dumping, an abuser, etc etc.

I actually don’t think there is an objective right and wrong. I PERSONALLY believe my approach is the better, morally sound one, and I’m very secure in who I am and how I behave. But others feel the same about their own approach. It is fine to recognise some people’s core beliefs just don’t gel with yours and realise they won’t add anything to your life if neither of you are able to find a common ground and compromise.

@Miffee .
@Tedmullins has repeatedly gone on about her and only her . Can you not see this is signs of narcissistic personality. That they should be the centre of everything. This is about opinion to the op. Not constantly banging on about ourselves and the invalidity of others.

Completely agree @TedMullins . You see it too when you're bereaved or someone close to you has a serious illness. The number of people who simply avoid mentioning it or even responding if you mention it in passing is astonishing. Many people prioritise their reflexive need not to feel uncomfortable in any way over other people's feelings.

That’s a misrepresentation of what I said. I said the person who has the trauma’s feelings trump the listeners. Sometimes that’s me, sometimes that’s someone else.

Is it just me or.... are the posters who are the most 'everyone must listen to trauma survivors no matter what' also being the most dismissive of all the trauma survivors on this thread