Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

There's no way we can go through life never having to censor or filter our trauma. We do it all the time! I don't tell my child about my trauma. If a neighbour asks how I am in the street I say, fine thanks! I don't share things at work.

A new friend is still making the transition from people who don't know about us to people who do know about us. They don't really owe us anything yet, not like friends you've had for years. They don't have to unconditionally support us. This woman hasn't done anything wrong.

Not to mention some of us live in circumstances were most of our peers have also been through trauma. I grew up in a very deprived area, I would say 50% of my peers had significant trauma.

Like I said trauma was Tuesday when I was a child.

I often speak of my experiences with humour, as do some of my friends. There are stand up comics now who do this too. It isn't always serious, you don't need to settle in and make room to therapise your friends. It's my life not a case study.

Couldn't agree more.

Except I’m about as far from self absorbed as you can get because I’m always happy to listen to someone in need.

Trouble is you think so should everyone else. Not everyone wants to or can. That should be respected not dismissed.

I don’t think anyone owes me anything. But my friendships work on the basis of us being honest with each other about the good, bad and ugly, not judging, and being supporting ears when we need. I’ve spent the last year listening to the ins and outs of a close friend’s relative dying of cancer. Not once did I ever tell her to tone it down because how i might feel about it is completely irrelevant. Similarly these friends have listened to me in deeply depressive phases and never shut me out or told me to change the subject.

Expecting reciprocal support in friendships is a pretty low bar. If people ask about certain things that happen to be points of trauma I won’t play down or gloss over it. It’s fact, it’s a part of my life. I’m clearly very lucky to know people that wouldn’t and haven’t shut me down like OP experienced judging by the attitudes here. I can only hope she meets people on a similar wavelength.

I have q friend like this and honestly feel drained after l have seen her.

Harsh but true.

and I’m absolutely entitled not to want people with that attitude in my life and to think less of them for it.

Exactly the same as my relationship with my mother. I hated it.

@TedMullins

I think we would be mates 😁!

I don’t have many mind. Four very close friendships that I’ve sustained for decades. That does me as I’m a bit of a hermit anyway.

Of course all my mates are as bat shit crazy as what I am 😂😂.

I’m all ears but it’s reciprocated. Give and take. But yeah I kinda like the I am who I am folks no fucks given.

See this is an example of a fair and sensitive approach. It is one thing being honest about trauma when a relevant topic is being discussed but what you’re describing of your friend here is something else. It’s totally reasonable to address the fact that she turns every conversation into one her past and gently encourage her to get more help. That is being a good friend. You haven’t just shut her down, you’ve tried to steer her towards healthier coping mechanisms.

@TedMullins

Except I’m about as far from self absorbed as you can get because I’m always happy to listen to someone in need.

Just not if their need is for you to stop talking about a particular subject as it's too much for them e.g. triggering due to their trauma.

You literally said you didn't care about their trauma and your feelings trump theirs.

It's the definition of self absorbed to be concerned only with your own feelings and interests even at the expense of others.

It's how bullies operate.

@TedMullins

It’s simply not true to say everyone finds listening to other people’s trauma upsetting.

Nobody has said 'everyone' does!

They've said some people do and that they aren't self absorbed for it.

I didn’t get this impression - I assumed the topic of childhood had come up and OP had simply been honest about the nature of hers, and the friend had complained it was too sad. If indeed OP had been monologuing for hours the friend could gently have steered the conversation in another direction or been more sensitive with her request to change the subject.

We’ll have to agree to disagree then because I think they are.

@wellhelloitsme

I didn’t read it like that. I think what she means is she is who she is, she won’t censor herself and if the other person didn’t like it then that’s their prerogative to leave/terminate the friendship, which by all accounts wouldn’t really bother her too much.

That is not bullying. That is just being unapologetically yourself. The other person doesn’t need to stick around.

@TedMullins

From what OP described she said ‘your stories are really sad, stop telling them’.

Actually, from what OP said, her friend said her stories were sad then OP directly asked if she wanted her to stop sharing them and her friend answered honestly.

You're projecting the narrative that you see when it's not reflective of the facts we've been given.

And you've shown a real lack of empathy.

Actually that's exactly what was implied by the quote Ted was responding to. They made a blanket statement about the mental resources needed to hear about trauma.

So yes somebody said it.

This.

I might feel unable to talk about rape with someone and still not want to tell them about my rape.

Does that me self absorbed?

Just want to pop up here and say please do something about it if a person tells you they're suicidal. Don't just file it as "depressing" and turn the other cheek. Even if it puts you off ever talking to that person again, please follow up with a call/message a few days later, or alert someone else.

I've been that person reaching out and no one's responded.

Sometimes they'll whisper it. I beg you to do something.

@TedMullins but sorry it takes years to establish that type of friendship?

I recently have spent a lot of time listening to a friend who is having a rough time and wants to share some childhood abuse. I listened for hours - happy to if that is what she needs.

we have been friends for thirty years - I know her very very well.

I am not sure I would want to be in that position with a very new friend. I would be concerned that is what the person wanted from the friendship - and it’s a lot. It’s okay if it’s part of a wider relationship but it can’t dominate - it can’t be all there is. Both parties need to get something from a friendship.

I work in a profession where I deal with trauma on a daily basis. I am TRIM trained to support my colleagues with trauma. I am a 'good listener' and am known in my workplace for being the person to go to with welfare issues as I can talk openly to anyone about anything. I am the person my friends phone when they need to chat or some advice. I don't turn away from taboo subjects and nothing shocks me due to my job so I hear all kinds of conversations. In January this year I was struggling with my mental health after supporting my husband who was struggling and my sil who attempted suicide, and had some work issues. I asked a friend to go out for a drink to clear my head. She took the opportunity to ask my advice, and basically revealed her husband was raping her on a regular basis. I stayed calm, listened to her and gave her advice and support... The next day a colleague came to seek me out to talk about her dad with dementia and her struggles. When she left, I shut the office door and started crying, and couldn't stop. I couldn't focus on work, or home. February is a difficult month for me due to past trauma, but I never talk about it and have coping mechanisms in place. Taking on everyone's trauma meant I couldnt deal with my own, and I ended up in therapy after a difficult few months where I was on a knife edge. My therapist actually told me to put those boundaries in place to preserve my own mental health.

It is not selfish to protect yourself from other people's trauma if you are not in a place to deal with it, and you don't owe anyone an explanation about why.

The person with the trauma who needs help and support trumps the listener. Sometimes that’s not me. I used myself as an example. I don’t talk about my trauma for the sake of it, but as I said if someone asks me something and the answer relates to past trauma I don’t censor myself. I wouldn’t expect anyone else to either. Any discomfort I might feel at hearing someone’s trauma is irrelevant compared to their right to talk about it.

That I agree with. It shouldn’t be the only topic of conversation all the time. But someone should be free to be honest about the nature of their life experiences without being shut down.

@TedMullins
So you only respect someone's boundaries if they're willing to tell you the most traumatic things that have ever happened to them?

You're not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they do have a history they want to keep private?

Personally, if someone tells me they'd rather not talk about something, I assume it's because of some personal history with it. I don't assume they're a self-absorbed horrible person who can never be a real friend.

I can only assume you don’t have many friends if that’s how you operate. Therapists exist for a reason