Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

@TedMullins

The person with the trauma who needs help and support trumps the listener.

The listener might have trauma too and the help and support they need might involve not being retraumatised if it's going to impact their mental health severely.

The way you've spoken about this and the disregard for other people's feelings and mental health is awful.

I'm glad you have friends who support you. I'm sad you can't have more empathy for other people are see that people may have hidden trauma they don't want to share, but means they cannot speak about certain things.

Well it would really depend how you dealt with it and how much sensitivity you showed when asking them to change the subject.

Absolutely this.

@TedMullins the thing is Ted - your the only one on this thread being angry, aggressive and belligerent. Which suggests that your approach to trauma isn’t working out all that well.

as I’ve said up thread - I spent a lot of my life basing friendships on my trauma and for wayyyy too long it was my identity. I made a friend about four years ago and it was very much based on the mutual sharing of trauma. It was not the only topic but was definitely a main theme of our friendship. I have done a LOT of work on myself and I kinda assumed that she was too and we were sort of sharing this journey of working shut out together. I recently spent a chunk of time in the town where she lives and where we met while I was on holidays. And I was shocked by how little she’d actually resolved things. I wanted to move forward our conversations and start talking about positive things and good things - and she simply couldn’t do it. She was literally unable to have a conversation until I went back into the old groove of things (not necessarily deeply dark stuff - but making ourselves feel better by talking about how awful other people who aren’t like us are etc @TedMullins sound familiar?). Anyway I worked out that every time I saw her I just ended up feeling like crap. And she didn’t want good things to happen for me - just to stay in the same old. It’s a shame - at her core she’s a good person - and she’s got a kid now poor thing who I can already see being trapped in the gloom). I also met another friend when I was there - great fun, lovely, lots of laughs - didn’t share anything too deep. And that friendship is. Ie geowing into a really lovely thing and I suspect that if something awful happens in five years - after a few years of a fun friendship - my new friend would absolutely be there for me.

so as I said before op - the trick is to look for joy and happiness in friendship as well as support for the bad things.

and also accept that a friend will never ever be able to fill the hole thst was left by having awful parents and a lack of childhood support. But they can make adult life really lovely and provide support to adult you.

But @TedMullins noone has a right to talk to another person about anything.

Your statement is anti-consent.

Someone with trauma who needs support deserves to receive it but cannot demand a specific person at a specific time if that other person is not ok with it.

@TedMullins

Well it would really depend how you dealt with it and how much sensitivity you showed when asking them to change the subject.

Wow. Again, a total lack of empathy or respect for victims of other trauma.

Good luck to you 👍🏻

It's actually a really shitty person who thinks like that. No empathy for anyone. Unbelievably selfish.

@TedMullins

I honestly don’t care how people might feel about my trauma tbh. It’s absolutely my prerogative to be honest about the realities of my life. My feelings trump the listener’s as far as I’m concerned. People who feel traumatised by hearing about other people’s lives aren’t ones I can be arsed with. I’m not moderating myself for anyone. The only time I’d be sensitive for this is if I knew they’d experienced similar and weren’t able to discuss it. I don’t find it traumatising to listen to others’ experiences and I don’t relate or have time for people who do, I find them incredibly self-absorbed and don’t surround myself with people like that.

You can't be arsed with people people who are traumatised by hearing about other peoples lives? But isn't the fact that they are "traumatised" indicate that they have been through trauma themselves? You didn't say "I can't be arsed with people who have no empathy, or who can't be bothered, you specifically can't be arsed with "people who feel traumatised by hearing about other peoples lives". Also you'd be sensitive if you "knew" they'd experienced similar? But what if you didn't know. You are assuming people who don't disclose anything have nothing to disclose, and furthermore it is only judge acceptable if they had experienced "similar". You're opinion and attitude in life is yours to have, I do find it traumatising to listen to others at times. So you wouldn't have any time for me, so it's all a moot point. I am sure sure it would my loss though.

TedMullins "I agree with all of this. Frankly, I don’t care if my trauma shocks or upsets people. It’s my life and the truth of my experiences, and I don’t want people in my life who expect me to hide it to comply with some kind of social etiquette."

I wonder if there's any generational connection to how people are responding. I completely respect your right not to want people in your life who behave this way.

But I feel like any new friends I make, I want them to be light hearted. I recently got to know a neighbour better and he poured out a lot of childhood trauma, now I avoid him. I was looking for a new friend to pop down t'pub with.

I had a traumatic event about 20 years ago. I sometimes just flag it up in case anyone makes a "joke" but I don't talk to contacts about it. That's for therapy if I choose to.

I am 46 and I do feel there's much more of a culture of "talk about your trauma" than, say, 20 years ago.

I would mention here the obvious - that OPs friend wasn’t signing up for a tour of OP’s childhood.
Imagine that you’ve gone for a meal with a new boy/girlfriend. You’ve sat down; you’re excited and happy.
A friend you’ve known for a very short time comes over and wants to talk to you about a trauma that she experienced 15 years ago. And she wants to talk about in then, and there.
What would you do? Genuinely interested.

This is a new friendship... not a bell boy to carry your baggage.

You dont know what SHE has been through, maybe she doesnt want to open personal wounds and just because you disconected doesnt mean others dont have trauma or still deeply feel that.

I seem like a REALLY open person who shares EVERYTHING to those that met me but Im actually deeply private, I just overcompensate by sharing the 10% of me that isn't privet very loudly and proundly (and my life has been quite a dramatic mess in the medical and tragity catagories so 10% is still a lot).

Most people havent even scratched the surface of knowing me while 'thinking' they know everything and most of them have known me 3/4 of my life never mind just being a 'new' friend.

I think some people have been heavily triggered by this thread and maybe coming across as lacking empathy or respect for others boundaries

for me friendship is two sided, a conversation and interaction is two sided, it is not one person offloading as they please,, even therapists don’t offer this type of extreme service.

if the ops test of a new friendship is that you need to listen till I decide to stop or you are not my friend and silencing me then she may find herself making very unhealthy relationship choices, as trauma or abuse survivors we need to have empathy for others, to understand there is a time and place and you need to pick your audience and timing.

thr anger is clear in the ops words, so she still needs further help with her trauma. And this new friend is not and should never be that primary helper.

Pretty much everyone on this thread has shown a lack of empathy to trauma survivors.

Just thinking about the irony of a previous comment from someone here saying the world doesn’t owe you anything… that’s true, but it seems many people think trauma survivors owe it to the world to keep quiet.

@TedMullins so let me get this right - the person who brought up that they were raped FIRST is the only persons feelings who matter?

so if someone gets dibs on being the rape victim then the feelings of another rape victim who is listening don’t matter
and they have to focus on being sensitive and centering the first person’s trauma.

honestly - you need to listen to yourself.

being unapologetic about who they are is exactly what abusers do.

Well I’m not a mind reader am I. If I don’t know they’ve experienced trauma it’s only reasonable I’ll come to my own (possibly wrong) assumptions about why they can’t make time to listen to other people’s. I don’t think it’s anyone’s loss just entirely incompatible approaches.

Pretty much everyone on this thread has shown a lack of empathy to trauma survivors.

I am a 'trauma survivor' - if I make a new friend the last thing I want is their trauma too.

Totally agree.

"Only my feelings matter" is at the heart of abuse and also a reaction to abuse.
Hence generational abuse and trauma ...

Me too

Sorry but YABU. Having been on the receiving end of listening to someone talk about their trauma with the whole conversation revolving around this this everytime I speak to them, she's perfectly entitled to set a boundary for her own well being.

This.

Or maybe women being unapologetic about who they are and what they’ve experienced is just confronting and scary because society tells us to put our needs last all the time.

I’m actually laughing at “abusers are unapologetic about who they are”. If you think that’s the main trait of an abuser then you clearly don’t know very much about them. There are many reasons people abuse and being comfortable in their own skin, forthright and honest don’t come into it.

This.

Well I’m not a mind reader am I. If I don’t know they’ve experienced trauma it’s only reasonable I’ll come to my own (possibly wrong) assumptions about why they can’t make time to listen to other people’s.

Holy fuck, seriously?

I actually find it really concerning you work with traumatised people and think this way.

@TedMullins your posts are the epitome of narcassism, the world does not revolve around you and people do not exist to serve you in any way you wish.

You are not OWED anything.

They are the main characters of their own story not a side kick to your whim regardeless of what yours or there stories are.

Or maybe women being unapologetic about who they are and what they’ve experienced is just confronting and scary because society tells us to put our needs last all the time
But in onanduow's scenario you're still asking the second rape victim, the friend, to put her needs last. And having the person you're talking to about your trauma bursting into hysterical sobs or other extreme reaction isn't generally helpful to anyone.