Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

It's almost funny that you describe other people as "self-absorbed" and then you keep writing things like this:

I honestly don’t care how people might feel about my trauma tbh. It’s absolutely my prerogative to be honest about the realities of my life. My feelings trump the listener’s as far as I’m concerned. People who feel traumatised by hearing about other people’s lives aren’t ones I can be arsed with. I’m not moderating myself for anyone.

This is about as self-absorbed (and selfish, and verging on cruel and sadistic) as it's possible to be.

The only time I’d be sensitive for this is if I knew they’d experienced similar and weren’t able to discuss it

You have no idea what other people have or haven't been through. Not everyone has the desire or ability to shout about their traumatic experiences to anyone they meet.

Especially not someone who is openly, aggressively shouting about theirs and is quite clear that they don't give a damn about how the other person is feeling.

We all have our past traumas, i don't discuss any of mine with all my friends. I have one very close friend and she is the only person i may discuss bits with. My past no longer defines me or my future. It s kept there, I have no interest bleating on about my fathers DV, death, baby loss. Not everyone wants to share there story and some manage to move on and have a healthy, happy life. you seem to feel the need to overshare and your new friend doesn't want to hear it. I remember meeting a male friends new girlfriend and within 10 minutes I had her life story including sexual abuse. Silenced the mood at the table. Dont worry about this friend as she will back away from you now.

I think that its important to be aware of who youre opening up to. It sounds like youre aware because you checked in with her and asked.

Ultimately, this is your life, and you probably need friends less easily shocked, and this one might only be able to connect with superficially.

And imagine if a suicidal person reached out to someone who said ‘sorry, I really can’t listen to this, I find it too traumatising’ then they went and topped themselves. No, it wouldn’t be the person’s fault, but it’s a depressing world we live in when so many people think that’s an acceptable response.

It really takes nothing to put yourself aside and make time and room for someone who needs it. It is the definition of being self absorbed to refuse. In some situations, one person’s feelings do trump others.

@Tedmullins.
Your trauma is yours it's nobody else's and to think you can just tell all and sundry is very selfish amd entitled and you also come across as someone who thinks the world and their wife owes you something.
Nobody owes anyone anything in life not one iota of a second thought regardless of what you may think.

I would never just assume anyone would want to hear about my childhood sexual abuse and neither would I just take it for granted that they actually would give one single shit about what I have been through.

The way you are coming across is really not endearing to anyone who has suffered abuse and deals with it internally doesn't mean we haven't dealt with it. It means we have more more respect for ourselves and others than to air our laundry in our public .

Yabu, it is perfectly fine for the friend to put up boundaries without having to explain why or even have a reason.

Enjoy your friendship, it is separate to your past, that is OK.

It really takes nothing to put yourself aside and make time and room for someone who needs it. It is the definition of being self absorbed to refuse. In some situations, one person’s feelings do trump others.

This is absolute nonsense @TedMullins

She told the truth about the nature of her childhood and the friend got squeamish. If the friend had said ‘I actually had a really bad childhood myself and find it upsetting to talk about, do you mind if we change the subject?’ Fine, and sensitive. From what OP described she said ‘your stories are really sad, stop telling them’. Not fine and not sensitive. There are ways and means of saying things

this is deeply unfair, deeply. You don’t know what that woman has been through, the impact of it and so what if she didn’t use the right words, who are you to judge a stranger like this.

I’ve been through terrible abuse as a child and it is always a very very difficult thing to both tell and hear. No one should be rushing in to judge like you.

No one is responsible for someone else's mental health. You don't seem to get that. People don't owe you to listen to your trauma if it makes them uncomfortable. It's completely fair for someone to set boundaries . The only one coming across self absorbed and selfish on this thread is you.

It really takes nothing to put yourself aside and make time and room for someone who needs it

That's complete bullshit. It takes a LOT to talk to a suicidal person. It takes a lot to listen to other peoples trauma. It takes a lot to put yourself and your own life aside "make time and room" for other peoples serious issues.

Anyone who thinks it takes nothing should never do it, as they have no insight whatsoever and won't be of any help

Sorry I think I was unclear. In the case of ongoing or very recent trauma yes, of course you are correct. I was speaking of historical trauma.

That said I do work with people with ongoing and very recent trauma in a professional role that involves discussing the trauma and have never had any training about how to deal with it. I am not alone. I have had resilience training but it was crap. It's very much geared up to stopping us all going off sick and it shows.

Again though the main context I am interested in is how we deal with previous trauma (and I know that in some circumstances years passing does not mean it isn't fresh). You only need look at this thread to see how childhood trauma is a sadly common part of human existence and yet it is still so taboo. I don't think this is particularly healthy.

It seems like you may come to terms with your trauma but society never will. Is that right? It will always a topic that should be avoided or glossed over.

But you asked her if she wanted to stop? You had already shared a lot of stories which I assume were distressing for you to recount, and her to hear.

you must have known she was uncomfortable to make the offer to stop. Now you are angry with her for being honest?

Except I’m about as far from self absorbed as you can get because I’m always happy to listen to someone in need. In those moments, how I might react to hearing about their trauma doesn’t matter. Their feelings are the ones needing centering.

Believe what you like about me. I’m in a very good place with my life and the friends I have and actually don’t feel the need to go round shouting about my trauma to anyone who’ll listen. But if certain topics arise and I’m asked about my past experiences I’m honest. If other people can’t handle that that’s entirely their problem. I’m happy for them to filter themselves out of my life.

“It’s absolutely my prerogative to be honest about the realities of my life. My feelings trump the listener’s as far as I’m concerned.”
Bet you’re fun to have round for drinks.
OP’s new friend was staying for the weekend! Should have been a nice time! Yet “later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again…”
Can you genuinely not see how tedious this would have been for the “lived reality” of OP’s friend?

Everyone's different OP. I completely understand why you felt upset that you're being silenced. I also understand why it was difficult for her to hear. I'm a very reserved person and keep traumatic things to myself. I don't feel comfortable telling people about the difficult aspects of my life and when I do, I gloss over it very quickly and then change the subject. I think it's all part of the British "stuff upper lip" approach. I'm not saying that's healthy but some people shy away from listening to difficult things. When I had had cancer I bumped in to my neighbour in the street and she asked why I'd had flowers delivered. I told her I had cancer and she literally started backing away from me in horror. She couldn't escape quickly enough!

More nonsense. I worked in a profession that involved interviewing traumatised people. I have a lot of experience and insight as well as my own personal experiences. It’s simply not true to say everyone finds listening to other people’s trauma upsetting.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong. You just have very different boundaries and tolerance for sharing personal stories at that stage of friendship. Neither one of your feelings trump the other.

Your friend was totally right to be honest when you offered to drop it, just as you have the right to feel hurt that someone you wanted to share that part of yourself with isn't ready/doesn't want you to.

Sorry the weekend hasn't gone to plan, I hope you find friends on the same wavelength so you can comfortably share all the parts of yourself with them.

Not as tedious as having had to live through the OP’s childhood I imagine.

@BringACarrot

Exactly. They’re just not on the same wavelength. It happens.

More nonsense. I worked in a profession that involved interviewing traumatised people. I have a lot of experience and insight as well as my own personal experiences. It’s simply not true to say everyone finds listening to other people’s trauma upsetting.

And you cannot say many people don't find it upsetting. You have no idea how people may feel about it and if they do find it upsetting, it's fair to set boundaries.

This is me I think. I'm almost 40 now, my childhood was such along time ago, it's processed, its done. I don't want to and I'm not qualified to play therapist for those that haven't processed their childhoods at this point of our lives.

Twice in one day is heavy shit and to me it would show that if you can't regulate speaking about this at the start of a friendship this is going to a constant in any friendship I have with you. I'm not about living in the distant past, if that's where you are at that's fine but personally I've put too much work into moving beyond my childhood to want to spend time listening to people that haven't.

I understand that to many people that will make me cold but i only have one life and I wasted too much of it being driven by the past already.

No - OP had already shared a lot - the conversation then returned to the subject lasted that day, her friend said she found the stories sad and she asked if she should stop sharing and her friend said yes.

that is okay.

I had an employee who shared a lot with me about her childhood. She wasn’t in current mental health crisis, she just said I was a great listener and so told me everything.

every night out, every work lunch she sat beside me and told me about horrible things that happened decades ago. I hate to say I got to the stage I would avoid her. If she was currently in a crisis then of course I would help but I just could take anymore. People on this thread might find that selfish - but I listened for as a long as I could. And I’m okay with that

The only time I’d be sensitive for this is if I knew they’d experienced similar and weren’t able to discuss it

What if they had experienced similar but you didn't know because unlike you they don't feel the need to tell everyone?

I understand that to many people that will make me cold but i only have one life and I wasted too much of it being driven by the past already.

Not cold at all. Sounds like you are in a healthy place for you.