Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

Maybe she is the type of person that people instinctively tend to dump their shit on and wanted to put in some boundaries. I know I am and it gets tiring. I'm not a selfish person but sometimes I just want to drink my bubbles in peace rather than someone being in my face, chewing my ear and dragging me down.

My impression of the OPs post though, is that they'd been talking about it for hours already, with the friend engaging and being sympathetic, but at some point when asked if she would like to change the subject, after a few hours, she agreed (understandable, would you like to talk about any subject, even a fly fishing hobby, for hours?). It's really not healthy to talk about trauma for hours, not for the OP or the friend.

Imagining myself in your shoes OP makes me realise how much our childhood is part of us. It's not like a film we watched or a country we visited. So it can feel personally rejecting if someone doesn't want to hear it.

Of course it's not you as a person that's being rejected, though it feels like it.

I found when I fully realised that what happened to me wasn't my fault - not due to who I am at my core - I was able to detach a bit from it. And the need to tell people reduced.

However, my closest friends would be willing to listen (still, some things I've never told anyone including xh)

That is unsupportive. Your feelings about the reality of her life are entirely irrelevant.

I can’t believe how many people think their desire not to hear things they don’t like is more important than other people’s lived experience and their freedom to be honest about it. It’s incredibly self absorbed.

As I said, I can only hope you never have to deal with any trauma of your own in case your friends have the same reaction. I’m very glad I don’t know people like this in real life.

Being private is not the same as "being censored."

Frankly she probably wanted a fun weekend, not a stint as amateur psychologist. Even close friends don't really need to know our darkest issues.

Just like any other new relationship you are both establishing your own needs and boundaries.

You each think yours should take precedence.

She wants a different sort of friendship and maybe that doesn't work for you.

There is little to be gained by putting all the blame on her. You'd be better thinking of it as mismatched expectations.

I have had therapy and have been told that it’s good to have boundaries and people who care about me will respect those boundaries.

OP you don’t seem to respect your friends boundaries. You have focused on how they make you feel and because the boundaries are inconvenient to you, you are angry.

sot with that for a while.

I'm sorry for your experiences.

As a rule, things like that aren't topics for social conversation. Even among longtime close friends let alone new ones.

Have you talked with your therapist about appropriate expectations of new friends?

It’s incredibly self absorbed.

It's incredibly self absorbed to trauma dump on anyone. I've gone through trauma, I wouldn't dump it on my friends. I certainly wouldn't be upset if someone asked me not to talk about it with them. Not everyone can deal with hearing about others trauma's and those feelings are perfectly valid.

Excellent post.
I think that the need to share your story with new friends/ aquaintances is also part of ongoing C-PTSD.
The need for acceptance, validation/ recognition and hope for resolution will never come from this.
Also it can make you extremely vulnerable in new friendships and relationships.
It shows a lack of boundaries and is an abusers green light.
Hopefully something good, a new understanding will come out of this Op

I honestly don’t care how people might feel
about my trauma tbh. It’s absolutely my prerogative to be honest about the realities of my life. My feelings trump the listener’s as far as I’m concerned. People who feel traumatised by hearing about other people’s lives aren’t ones I can be arsed with. I’m not moderating myself for anyone. The only time I’d be sensitive for this is if I knew they’d experienced similar and weren’t able to discuss it. I don’t find it traumatising to listen to others’ experiences and I don’t relate or have time for people who do, I find them incredibly self-absorbed and don’t surround myself with people like that.

It’s not like OP was going on a drawn out tirade. It sounds like they were discussing their childhoods and she was honest about hers. All the friend needed to do was say some variation of “that’s awful I’m sorry” and the conversation probably would’ve organically moved on.

I can’t believe how many people think their desire not to hear things they don’t like is more important than other people’s lived experience and their freedom to be honest about it. It’s incredibly self absorbed.

Isn't it self absorbed to tell everyone everything about yourself?

If Op & the new friend aren't compatible then that's that.

It is no one's "fault".

Certainly the Op shouldn't be looking to blame the new friend & be angry with her.

Just move on!

Her feelings about someone else’s trauma don’t matter. She isn’t the one living it. Friends support each other.

She may be living her own trauma.

OP didn't support her decision to state her boundary when OP directly asked her if she wanted to stop!

If OP wants genuine and honest conversations, she shouldn't ask questions that sound genuine if they are a trap because there's only one 'right' answer.

If you want friends, you're gonna have to learn to look forwards, not back. Your therapists should surely have come up with a plan that involves you coping and moving on, not obliterating friendships by trauma dumping when you barely know each other.

It really isn’t. “Trauma dump” is a bullshit phrase that discourages people from speaking out and seeking support. As I said earlier if it was such an egregious thing to do why is the message for people struggling with mental health to reach out and talk to people?

I have a childhood full of crap, I'm at a place now where I'm settled but I do not wish to be dragged into someone's trauma. I don't want to play counsellor for childhood problems, I don't mind talking though adult problems with people, current situations they are facing, support through their here and now but I lay my boundary down, I cannot be anyone's counsellor for past trauma for for my own mental health.

You seem to be seeking validation, that's okay, but you need to go back to therapy.

OP maybe you’re just not compatible as friends. I’ve found that those who have experienced severe trauma as kids will often gravitate towards others who’ve potentially had similar experiences.

Even with years of therapy your life lens will be so different and maybe seeking friends with a similar outlook/empathy is the way forward.

I don’t think you sound like an energy vampire as your posts have awareness and you don’t lack insight.

If you don’t feel comfortable with her just move on. 💐

My feelings trump the listener’s as far as I’m concerned. People who feel traumatised by hearing about other people’s lives aren’t ones I can be arsed with. I’m not moderating myself for anyone. The only time I’d be sensitive for this is if I knew they’d experienced similar and weren’t able to discuss it. I don’t find it traumatising to listen to others’ experiences and I don’t relate or have time for people who do, I find them incredibly self-absorbed and don’t surround myself with people like that.

This is how bullies talk.

I don't surround myself with people who believe their feelings trump other peoples and don't empathise with people who can't fathom that other people have different needs to them.

The irony of you calling other people self absorbed with this attitude is frankly staggering and shows a massive lack of self awareness.

Wow, are you self absorbed or what?

You're sensitive (I doubt that, somehow) if you know someone has experienced trauma, but you don't give a shit about all the people who have but haven't told you personally about?

Your feelings don't trump the listeners, at all.

I'm sure you mean well, but please stop with the armchair psychiatry. Even an actual Consultant Psychiatrist wouldn't be able to confidently diagnose someone with EUPD based on one brief snapshot of their life shared on an online forum, and yet so many on MN feel equipped to do so! Even if OP did have a diagnosed mental health condition, it's profoundly unhelpful when people attribute every feeling or experience you have to a mental health condition. She's just trying to offload and get some perspective on a situation that upset her, there's no need to medicalise that especially with the extremely limited information available.

As I said earlier if it was such an egregious thing to do why is the message for people struggling with mental health to reach out and talk to people?

To people who feel comfortable to listen. Not everyone will. And that is completely fair enough.

It's an incredibly selfish attitude to have.

@TedMullins you said 'I can only hope you never have to deal with any trauma of your own in case your friends have the same reaction. I’m very glad I don’t know people like this in real life.'

We are all different, as I've lived through major trauma in childhood and I tell virtually noone, and that because I'm private and I know they couldn't understand anyway (how could anyone?) and I also don't want a friendship based on friends knowing that information about me, or a dynamic where I feel like I am communicating like a victim. Those events stole enough time from me and they aren't going to steal anymore. I have great friendships and I feel very comfortable and happy and validated.

You take a very different approach and that's great for you - we have different preferences and personalities and friendship dynamics, and that's ok and right for us. But it's important to recognise that it isn't right to push one dynamic (that is intense and heavy) on to a new friend and just expect her to take it - what is acceptable to one person can be steamrolling to another. And it's also not ok to assume other posters haven't lived through any trauma, just because they haven't shared it with you, or because they don't communicate it like you do.

She wasn’t sitting monologuing about herself though - at least not from what was described. She told the truth about the nature of her childhood and the friend got squeamish. If the friend had said ‘I actually had a really bad childhood myself and find it upsetting to talk about, do you mind if we change the subject?’ Fine, and sensitive. From what OP described she said ‘your stories are really sad, stop telling them’. Not fine and not sensitive. There are ways and means of saying things