Friend didn't want me to talk to her about my upsetting personal stuff

[Sparklybutold]

Friend staying for the weekend. I experienced an extremely toxic and abusive childhood filled with suicide, murder, severe mental illness, premature death, all forms of abuse, the list goes on. This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did. I was left feeling hurt, confused, invalidated but also kinda empathised. The stories are awful and just so sad, so much so that part of me switches off from them and I struggle to believe they're actually true. Alot of my experiences are also filled with shame and I was silenced so much, so to then be silenced again because it's too much?

This experience makes me question how can I be close with this person if she can't tolerate the not so nice parts of me? Is this reasonable? I couldn't imagine switching someone off like this?

She's probably looking forward to leaving herself.....it's not fair to expect her to have to listen to something that she's clearly not comfortable with. Especially as it's so early in this friendship... perhaps it's triggering her own past trauma? Other people's feelings are important too!
If you feel annoyed already that she's setting boundaries, the friendship will probably just fizzle out now.

“This is a relatively new friendship so we are getting to know each other so naturally stuff about my childhood comes up. Later on in the day when the conversation swayed that way again* *she commented along the lines how my stories are just so sad - I asked whether she preferred I stopped, she said yes - I did.”

Not much else to add because the op seems to be ignoring anyone who doesn’t agree with them but yeah, the bold parts of the quote.

“Again” was meant to be in bold too.

Just to give an alternative perspective. I have a friend who also went through a lot of trauma as a child (addicted parents/witnessed a lot of abuse etc) and unfortunately despite years of therapy, sooner or later, every conversation seems to end up talking about her childhood.

There's no doubt about it, she went through some deeply traumatic things but so did a lot of others too! I was actually at a funeral with her and to my horror, while consoling the bereaved person, she started saying things like 'I know how you feel. After my dad died of an overdose, his drug dealers arrived at the door...' etc etc. I had to rapidly change the subject as the colour drained from the grieving friend's face.

I'm no psychologist but my amateur 'diagnosis' is that my friend has spent her whole life on the fringes of everyone else's pain and 'drama'. She's always been unseen and unheard and now she's an adult, she needs everyone to see her pain. Problem is, people are now politely distancing themselves from her, not because they're horrible, selfish humans but because they have their own stuff too and they struggle with the repetitiveness of the conversations.

I say this kindly (I hope!!!) and I should stress I don't know you, so this might not be your situation at all. But it might be worth exploring with a counsellor whether your expectations of friendships are too high? Yes, you've spent your whole life trying to be 'nice' and 'quiet' while your world imploded, but not everyone can handle that. It's not selfish of them. It's just the way people are.

My friend is now becoming increasingly lonely as people are withdrawing from her. I'm sticking about but I've put boundaries in place and told her to not use my pain as a diving board to talk about her own. These are tough conversations but none of it is designed to invalidate her. It's because I want to preserve the friendship.

OP you can't spend all your time telling a new friend about really dark personal memories, you just can't. It's extremely depressing and too much. I have some dark memories of my own from childhood and there's no way I'd share them with virtually anyone, and that's because even talking about them makes me feel low, and also how can the person listening understand? They are not my therapist.

You need to ring fence this and find an outlet like therapy, but do not talk about them to friends like that especially if you are spending an extended period together, or drinking together. It's very depressing for everyone involved and ultimately does not help you at all, then the friend gets blamed for not supporting or understanding which is extremely unfair for them.

I think maybe you just misjudged the level of disclosure appropriate for this friendship
I work with people in emotive situations and it’s draining and can’t always cope with extra during my down time
When my Dad was dying I went away for a few days with a friend who used me in place of her therapist for the whole holiday and didn’t emphasise with my feelings a jot

I dont think you personally can know that you dont do this, or similar to this. You are clearly very angry that when YOU asked her if she would prefer you stop, that she said yes.

your friend has done absolutely nothing wrong.

your anger is misplaced.

I empathise with this 🌸

OP I understand how you feel 100%.

Not being able to talk about it is like kicking you when you're down. It creates even more disconnection from "normal" people and it adds to the shame.

However, such is human nature. People don't want to be brought down by your life.

I only talk about it to other survivors now, and just let everyone else assume I had an ordinary life.

It’s hard to comment without having been there and hearing what exactly you said and how much information was given.

I am so sorry you had such a miserable childhood - it must be difficult and of course it is something you shouldn’t hide or feel shame over.

but, some people simply don’t want to hear about these things. It’s impossible to say why for this lady - she could be overly sensitive to others pain, she may have been abused herself, maybe struggling with depression or maybe just a selfish person?

but you can’t force her to be a different person than who she is.

if you need a friend who can listen and understand what you went through then she isn’t the friend for you.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong here - just established her boundaries. But it doesn’t sound like you are a good fit

basically you are asking whether your need to disclose trumps her need to not have to hear it and the answer is no.

Hi Op, it may just be that she doesn't know you well enough to feel comfortable listening to or sharing this deeply personal information. Not every friendship is a close and intimate one with that level of understanding - some get there after years and others never do.

I have a few close friends I've known for over 10 years so if they were sharing trauma, I would listen with no bias. However, I have a friend, we've known each other for years but never spent much quality time together. She too had a difficult background but it layers every conversation we have. And there's always an underlying anger in her that I find uncomfortable. It's extremely heavy and I leave every meet up feeling quite low myself. So if your friend is telling you that all your stories are sad - it means that you must talk about it a lot more than you realise? Does every story really need that context? I have suffered some terrible trauma as a child and adult but only my closest friends and partner know details - it just doesn't come up in any other conversation unless it's a mutual 'let's share deep secrets' type session. I'm mindful that not everyone has the mental capacity or desire to talk about trauma - if they did, we wouldn't need therapy.

You still seem angry about what happened and I think directing it towards her unfairly. As adults we all still have to censor what we say occasionally - and maybe you need to find a balance where you can separate censoring for abusive people vs censoring as part of your responsibility to others/being an adult.

OP- you're ignoring all the posts that do not validate you and your opinion.
I think you need to really ask yourself what you want from a friend; someone who you have and good time with and have common interests or someone you will act as an unofficial therapist and listen to you?

I don’t agree with this at all. Friendships absolutely are for listening to other people’s trauma and helping each other when down, as well as having fun, sharing humour, nice experiences etc. someone continuously going on and on about their trauma is entirely different from OP simply telling the truth about her life. She isn’t “dumping” on this woman. It would be fair to put a boundary in place for someone bombarding you all hours of the day and night with unsolicited tales of their trauma but this is not what happened here.

How other people’s problems make you feel is YOUR problem. Your (and others who claim it’s too draining listening to it) are not the ones whose feelings matter in these situations. It’s different if it triggers feelings around your own trauma, that I can understand is more difficult to navigate, but with friends you should be able to be honest about that and gently explain you empathise but aren’t ready to discuss etc. If you simply don’t want to listen because you don’t like it, well, tough. Let’s hope you never have anything bad happen to you or a mental health crisis where you need friends, in case they can’t be arsed to listen.

I don’t think I’ve ever talked extensively about my childhood to a new friend

This. I'm not even sure I went into huge details about it with dh either!! Obviously stuff has come out over the years but not when we were new friends.

And I think this is totally wrong. The answer is yes. Her feelings about someone else’s trauma don’t matter. She isn’t the one living it. Friends support each other.

Of course you should be able to talk about your trauma op but it needs to be safe for you both. Offloading on a friend who is going to burst into hysterical sons which you then have to deal with, or her closing down emotionally so as to be able to listen to you and keep herself safe etc all aren't particularly helpful to you, or her. Remember that counsellor's, therapists Samaritans, Child Line etc all have training in listening but also have someone else to offload THEIR feelings to. You're expecting that from a friend you don't know very well who wasn't expecting "so do you see you parents much" etc to turn into such a heavy topic, and presumably you also expect her to keep it confidential, not offload into someone else.

If this is what you need from friendship, that's ok. Better to know now she's not what you need.

Sparkly do you have BPD/EUPD- you are classically “splitting on her”.. she isn’t in the wrong it’s a new relationship and there’s time for all that. It could be triggering her. Now you are suddenly demonising her which is mostly your BPD talking. Take
a
deep breathe and try and just enjoy being around her x

This. Your friend has set some reasonable boundaries, and that's fair enough. Friendships work both ways, she is allowed to say how she feels.

I feel like a leper

I think this is more about you than your friend. I think you're being very unreasonable.

I think, as you yourself identify, are unreasonably directing your anger onto her. She isn't censoring you, she is identifying that the conversation is making her uncomfortable and when you offered to stop she accepted. That's absolutely fair enough and hardly shutting you down - especially as it had already been discussed once (where I assume she listened?).

I am sorry what you have been through, it must be awful. But you can't spend the rest of your life offloading that onto other people, and feeling resentment when they struggle.

Her feelings about someone else’s trauma don’t matter.

Of course they do, if it's affecting her hearing it.

It sounds like you've been triggered by experiencing her honesty and boundaries in a new friendship as silencing. We all have to filter parts of ourselves in different settings to fit in with social settings, work settings etc. Your new friend has been honest about her capacity. If that's not okay for you then perhaps she's not the friend for you? Boundaries are appropriate & aren't the same as being silenced abusively, but when we've experienced abuse/trauma we can feel as though they are. This conflict could be a helpful issue to explore in some counselling now that you've come so far in your own process & awareness. You've been through a lot but your friend is also okay to set out what she is able to handle in a social meet up.

I'm sorry you've had a horrible disturbing life but things are personal to you and you cannot load your past onto your new friend.

If I was your friend I'd be thinking your problems are out of my league and I wouldn't be able to help or deal with them.