AIBU to consider changing my will?

[CaroMD]

Long story but try to get the basics. Single parent, 3 children all now adults and supposedly financially independent - I have left everything in my will to be shared equally. Order of appearance: No.1 son married, no children. No.2 son married and one daughter. No.3 is my daughter, divorced with one daughter. I’ve tried to be fair over time but different needs don’t always make it easy. After daughter’s bank account suddenly frozen (never given reason) over 14 years ago I set up a joint account but was constantly topping it up when I got overdraft notices as affects my credit, last time I checked I’d spent over £18k to cover her debts. Daughter and SIL moved in for a year as in financial difficulties, it was hell! After my father died I gave each child £50k to get on property ladder and kept the same for myself to supplement my pension. Daughter needed a car as old one failed, pressure from her led to me offering a loan from my savings which ended up at just over £7k. Soon after she was very distressed as maxed out 3 credit cards. I loaned her £8k to pay off one. Daughter expected me to look after g’child several days a week and overnight but when lockdown came I refused as I’m CEV. She lost it, cut me off on social media, sent nasty messages and has made no attempt to repay a penny or keep in touch. Thinking of changing will to give her less with regard to the loans but by then I will be gone so will it make relations between my children very bad?

As you’ve helped some out before your time, I think it would be more than fair not to do equal splits.

I think some don’t deserve a penny more.

I mean why would you leave her anything? She's shown her true colours with no regard for your feelings or health.

YANBU.

Please stick with equal shares! Take from someone on the receiving end when it's not equal. It could well be the end of the sibling relationship 🥺

I would stick to equal shares. Your daughter's share though I would put in trust for her children as she won't speak to you.

I would change it- but write them a letter to explain that you love them equally and this is to make sure that they share equally based on the support you have given them through their lives

I'd work out how much I'd give em each child and make sure your will reflects that. So your dd will get less from the will, as shes had more whilst you're living. However I'd leave her % to her dc die to her behaviour

Sad as it is l would cut her out.

She has had way more than her siblings - put a note in your will to explain this so she can't contest it but if someone cut me out of their life, no way would l leave them my money.

I think I would have to take those "loans" into account as it's just not fair on the others. She sounds really cheeky actually the way she's expected you to pay for everything when you have been kind enough to give her a huge lump sum anyway. Instead of thinking of it being unfair to her, think about the present situation as being very unfair to the other two.

I'd be asking my solicitor how to leave in equal shares, with her debts to be repaid from her share before it is distributed.

I can't quite work out how to do it but I'm sure the right kind of solicitor would know how.

And yea, yea to the rest being left in trust for her children.

do your sons know about all the loans to the daughter? do any of them have any expectation of an inheritance?

It is always a good idea to talk to your children about your will and not leave any surprises. At least to your two sons. Are they in touch with and friendly with their sister or has she also cut them out?

if you do want to split equally, leaving your daughters share (or some of it) directly to her child could be a good idea to prevent it being squandered.

After all you've done for her, nasty little mare!

I would decducy the money she's already had as 'loans' out of her share & leave a chunk of her share to her DD & redistribute the remainder between all the grandchildren.

Definitely factor in the loans and assistance given. To not do so runs the risk of damaging the relationship between siblings. Your daughter has behaved pretty poorly. Given she appears to be quite financially irresponsible (and grabby and rude) I'd be inclined to give to her kids and not her herself.

I would take the money you've given her into account. I was executor for my MIL will and she had given/paid for 30k of various things for one son during the last 2 years of her life so the will was set up so other son received the first 30k then the rest was split equally. It wouldn't have been fair otherwise especially with the amount involved

I generally believe in totally equal shares but think the prodigal daughter has had quite a proportion of hers already and I would factor that in, with written clarification in the will. It isn't fair to your sons otherwise, even if your relationship with her had not broken down. TBH, if the estrangement continues, I would leave her share to her children.

I would think thats obvious? Me and a sibling have both received money from my parents to buy a property. My other siblings havent, because they dont need/want a house yet. It is absolutely clear to me that this payment is part of my inheritance and will be deducted when everything is split. I would find it pretty unfair otherwise.
Ibviously you cant consider every small thing you ever spent on them, but large sums should definitely be considered.

Well doesn't she sound lovely

She's had at least £30k more than the two lads and now she's spat her dummy out. I'd be tempted to either cut her out altogether, give her £30k less or leave what you would have given her to her daughter but make sure your daughter can't get it

She's treated you like a doormat and eventually shown her true colours. Why does an adult need to be bankrolled so many times?

She's done you a favor cutting contact

I'd set it out to say you are leaving each child equal shares. From their shares, you'll deduct cash advances that haven't been repaid. Make sure you do the same for each child and update as needed.

This can cause difficulties though if the recipient thinks the money is a gift and not a loan. You'd be best to discuss with your solicitor the best way to word it so it can't be contested in court.

My great auntie Will was like a few others have mentioned- 3 adult children - 1 had help with buying house. Say 30k. So the first 60k split between the other two and everything else was split 3 ways.

All parties aware that something was written but only found out when she passed.

She sounds like she's really bad with money. Maybe putting a certain proportion of her inheritance in a trust for her child might be a good idea. Also to stop giving her money when you are alive.

Yes this might be a good option. You've paid around £33k by my reckoning.

So if they each inherited £35k (105 total) she'd get 2 and the boys would get 35 each. That would repay the £33 and you could then split that three ways. So in total she'd get £13 and they'd get £46.

But you could then put her share into holding for her DD / any future children

That is my opinion also

Do you have savings? Could you afford to give your 2 ds a gift of money now (while you're alive) to even up the amount you've given each?

Leaving different amounts in a will won't affect you but could destroy any remaining sibling relationship between your 3 dc in the future.

I would change will to reflect the most ney your dd has already received above what her brothers have. I am in somewhat similar position to you OP. My eldest child dd was given £5k deposit for house, but she has married and both she and her DH have good jobs so financially independent. DS 1 was given £8.5k deposit but is largely financially independent however DS2 works just as hard and does lots of extra working at weekends but earns a lot less than siblings plus he does not have a partner like other two do. Without help he won't be able to get on to property ladder. I am gifting him £55k for large deposit in April so he can buy one of my btl houses from me with larger deposit he will be able to afford lower mortgage. I have explained to all 3 children why I am doing this and also told them DS 3 will inherit £55k less than other 2. I am also gifting each child £1k each year as I can do legally not affecting inheritance tax. All my DC say they are happy with this.

You could change your Dds to her daughter I suppose but maybe wait until the dust has settled.