AIBU to consider changing my will?

[CaroMD]

Long story but try to get the basics. Single parent, 3 children all now adults and supposedly financially independent - I have left everything in my will to be shared equally. Order of appearance: No.1 son married, no children. No.2 son married and one daughter. No.3 is my daughter, divorced with one daughter. I’ve tried to be fair over time but different needs don’t always make it easy. After daughter’s bank account suddenly frozen (never given reason) over 14 years ago I set up a joint account but was constantly topping it up when I got overdraft notices as affects my credit, last time I checked I’d spent over £18k to cover her debts. Daughter and SIL moved in for a year as in financial difficulties, it was hell! After my father died I gave each child £50k to get on property ladder and kept the same for myself to supplement my pension. Daughter needed a car as old one failed, pressure from her led to me offering a loan from my savings which ended up at just over £7k. Soon after she was very distressed as maxed out 3 credit cards. I loaned her £8k to pay off one. Daughter expected me to look after g’child several days a week and overnight but when lockdown came I refused as I’m CEV. She lost it, cut me off on social media, sent nasty messages and has made no attempt to repay a penny or keep in touch. Thinking of changing will to give her less with regard to the loans but by then I will be gone so will it make relations between my children very bad?

YANBU. Hugely unfair to give equal sums to all children when you've given over 20k+ to one child and not the others already.

Well, you have allowed this to happen. No way would I maintain a joint account that had been set up for a specific situation to be used as a constantly replenished source of funds for her.

However, it isn’t fair to your other Dc, so I would write your will that from your estate your other Dc get a sum of xxxxx (equivalent to what she had had) each, and then the remainder split equally between them.

Imho this is the best, fairest and most equitable way to sort it so that there is no ill feeling on anyone's part. Always best to communicate whilst still alive and explain what the plan is. Don't leave it until you're gone and its too late!

If you leave them the same amount then you will have given her far, far more. Is that any more fair?

I'd even it up by allocating the other 2 the same amount she has already had then sharing the remainder equally.

I think you should take the money you've already given her out if her share. Surely the sons will be bitter that she's been receiving so much more support over the years. You'll give them peace of mind that you loved them all equally.

My mum has bailed out my brother endless times over his adult years which total 10’s of thousands. She has a file on her computer which details all the debts and when she dies she wants me to take it to the solicitor and get it taken into account when the money is split.
I don’t know if I will as she has willingly provided me childcare over the years which if I had had to pay for would have probably cost similar.

But it is what she wants so I will have to decide what to do when the time comes. so I understand you wanting to make things even between your kids.

@Afolnerd - I’m not sure you taking a spreadsheet to the lawyer would be able to count legally (you’d need to check this). BUT in view of the childcare and if you don’t want to cause more fuss/worry I can understand if you just want to leave it.

@CaroMD

I'd spend it all before you go. Save any hassle or anger 😉😂

Seriously, though. She is just plain greedy. If she doesn't pay you back then I would either reduce her share by the monies she has already had or cut her out. She is using you as a cash fund but it's all one way. She wants all your money and your time to suit her.

When my mum died a few years ago our foster sister had been left out of the will. I didn't think this was fair as she had been around for my mum a lot. so asked the other siblings about sharing. Surprisingly, considering what total cunts they were after mum died, they agreed. Several thousands of pounds.

Never heard a word from her, no thanks nothing. Until last year when I heard she'd been moaning she hadn't got enough for a house deposit.

greedy people do not ever stop being greedy. Even if you do give her a share I can see she'll try and get more.

I think using your will for revenge is a bit shitty. I mean I get the sentiment, but it's like the final punch from the grave, one that can never be resolved or taken back, and one which your daughter will live with forever. I assume you had a good relationship before the falling out? If so, is the falling out really worth that?

Only you can really decide based on your falling out and your relationship otherwise, but it's a pretty serious thing to do that will hurt your daugher much more than just losing the money. I think if you do it you need to tell her before you die, otherwise it comes across as really cowardly and petty.

I would leave as is but deduct the loan amount. If the loan is not documented, you will need to be clear on this in your will. It is amazing how entitled some people can become overtime with parents.

Subtract what she owes from her share and leave her share in trust for her DC. Can't be touched until DC an adult.

How do your sons feel?

Do they know about all the bailing out? Do they know much money you've spent on her? Do they know about her shitty reaction?

I would talk to them. They've probably had to watch you put yourself into debt for their sister. Maybe they're feeling a bit shitty too.

Personally I would cut her out after she had a hissy fit and got nasty. But if you wanted to be fair you could leave her share to her daughter. Held in trust by one of her uncles. God don't leave it in your daughters hands.

I don't know the answer. In my family our parents have always given us siblings money of different amounts with the understanding that that is taken into consideration on their death.

This.

But I would also make it very clear that you will not be bailing her out any longer. It is high time she stood on her own two feet. You've allowed her to live with you, she's had £18k to pay off her debts, she's had a big sum to get on the property ladder and then had another £15k and still threw her toys out of the pram because you couldn't look after her children. This is sounding much less like need and much more like entitlement. Some people just take advantage when you're too nice and don't set clear boundaries.

What's their relationship like as siblings now? Your daughter seems to be quite selfish and entitled- you're clearly not going to get any of that returned and she will continue to expect you to help her out. I would t be seeing or treating her as equal, and she's already been treated I equally with the financial help she's received whilst you're alive.

I would. She has had SUBSTANTIAL support from you. Fair does not always mean equal, and to be fair in your wills, you need to account for the support you've already given her in some way.

Oh, and if her behaviour continues, I'd actually leave it in trust to her DC.

It's perfectly possible to leave notes as to why you are doing this.

I am dealing with the affairs of an elderly person who has made a will leaving their estate in unequal shares between their 3 children with a "letter of wishes" alongside it explaining that she loves all three offspring equally but considers it fair to leave less to one beneficiary as the she purchased a house for that child in the past. Any competent solicitor will be able to advise on how to do this (and the benefits and disadvantages of leaving funds in trust for the grandchildren if you think DD will not be responsible) and will be able to advise on wording that explains your intentions while minimising upset when the time comes.

Calculate roughly how much she's had, leave that much to each son first, then the remainder to be split equally between them.

I would bite the bullet and have this conversation with your daughter. Talk in real terms (with the paperwork) about how much she has had from you and your plan on how to approach your will. After this speak to your DC together so everyone is clear.

I wouldn't 'leave a note' in your will as that will possibly lead to unresolved feelings and resentment.

I would also tell your DD to sort out her own bank account. A joint bank account could be really problematic as you get older where you may lose your faculties and need to set up a POA, possibly open to intentional or unintentional abuse.

Are you still on the joint bank account ? If so get yourself of it or you’ll be forever paying off her debts.
Your CEV, during covid and instead of offering her support like getting shopping etc. She chose to cut you off and send you horrible messages.
She showed her true colours, your just a cash point to her.
Change your will and have a letter explaining why she is getting less than her siblings.

Your will, your choice. Your daughter needs something to wake her up to her spending, as whilst you have not gone into details, seems someone either financially illiterate, or assuming you will always bail her out. I doubt if the spending has all been on essentials.

Will aside, I would be trying to sort out the relationship. It sounds like she was humiliated and took it out on you. I have thought about buying my mother a book about how to be less defensive but obviously that would make her defensive! I don't know what the answers are. It's just so frustrating that some people whether they are daughters or mothers blame their family for the feelings they cannot bear to experience. Shame, Humiliation...

Do you have any common subject / interest with your daughter, could you reach back out in a way that doesn't go in with a ''set boundaries'' air of authority.

After 18 months of not speaking to me my mum reached out to me. I had wanted to talk all this time, but she started off with her conditions. When I said ok, my condition is that you understand the connection between the silent treatment and my anger. then she cancelled the coffee.

Sometimes I think the only way this will be ''solved'' is when I'm strong enough not to care who thinks how badly of me. I think of that Eleanor Roosevelt quote ''nobody can make you feel bad without your permission'' and I'm trying to get to that place. But did she mean family??????? Can you ever get to the place where you just submit to your family's low opinion of you?

Anyway, namaste

I would adjust for the money you've given her over the years.
My parents have given me help with a house deposit, but my brother hasn't wanted to buy a house yet, so they haven't helped him, and he's not even aware of what I got. If they pass, I will make sure to even things out and take my deposit into account...it doesn't sound like your daughter would do that.

I have a similar situation and have worked with my solicitor to include the debts in any calculation of inheritance to be paid. That will leave one DC with no inheritance because that DC has already had their share. So much fairer on the others who have worked hard and been very moral about not borrowing from others.

Given that your DD has put pressure on you to lend/give loans her money to bail her out, I would be concerned that by leaving money to your DGD, you put her in the same position. The pressure could be awful as your DD expects to still spend your DGD’s inherited money. You haven’t been able to manage the pressure for money demands, or the relationship around this, it would be awful to expect your DGD to have to.

Work out how much she’s had in total.

In the will, gift this amount to each son with the remaining money to then by split 3 ways with your daughter’s share to be held in trust for your grandchild.

I am assuming there is enough money to do this however.