Mum said I need someone to ‘train’ DS - I’m at breaking point

[Imatbreakingpoint]

I am so overwhelmed my life at the moment. I don’t even know where to start, I just need to get it somewhere because I struggle to talk in real life, I hold in all of my anxieties and feelings because I have no energy to release them.

To start from the beginning; I’m a mum to a 2.5 year old; I had severe postnatal depression, borderline psychosis, for a long time after he was born. I know being a mum is hard, but I can’t describe the dark place I was in, it was the worst period of my life.

I also have OCD, and at the moment I am really struggling with intrusive thoughts and panicking something bad is going to happen to the point I feel sick.

I’m a business owner, after a failed business a couple of years ago that landed me in a load of debt. This business is set to turn over £230K this year which is maddening to me, but I am working so so much. And I work to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts. It’s all so overwhelming to me and I don’t feel like I’m ready for all of this. I know I know; poor me. I don’t mean it like that, I’m just really scared and my life feels like it’s spiralling out of control.

Heres to the breaking part bit...

my partner isn’t working after losing his job and isn’t even bothering to look for work at the moment. He doesn’t do much housework beyond laundry even when DS is in nursery.

my DS is suspected autistic, he can’t talk and doesn’t understand things. I’m not sure if he even understands what we’re saying. He communicates by leading us to the things he wants but he gets frustrated because he’s not talking and has meltdowns a lot, has major sensory issues and isn’t the best behaved at the best of times. I’m trying my best, I’m constantly talking to my health visitor and the nursery to ask for more support had all the referrals done, but nothings come of it.

last night my mum had DS for the first time in about 4 months so that DP and I could go away for the night. When I picked him up this morning my mum said ‘we need to have a serious conversation about your DS, his behaviour today was awful and you need to get someone to train him’.

we do everything for DS, make sure he is happy and we remove him from any situation he finds overwhelming. He’s been really chilled since being home and had a nice play date with next doors little girl; so I’m not sure if he was just out of sorts because he hasn’t been to granny’s for a while, but that comment has really got to me because it’s made me feel like a crap mum.

im really struggling and don’t know how to talk to anyone or what to do, I’m holding back the tears most of the time.

many advice is appreciated.

thanks for reading it you got this far

Your mum needs to educate herself. It is not possible train autism out of someone! She needs to learn the best way to manage him. I have two with asd. I had to learn how to adapt our life to make things as easy as possible for him.

Train him? Like a dog.

It’s very insensitive. You can have someone help support you but you can’t train him to behave.

@cansu i know it was a really hurtful comment. I know he was probably just overwhelmed and overstimulated, he’s been great since he’s been home but she doesn’t see that and makes me out to be an awful parent

What kind of support do you get ,has your son been referred for portage ?
My son is 12 now and has severe autism and learning disabilities, so can relate ,the early years can be very hard it might help to find out what's going on locally for children with special needs, and meet other parents who have children with similar needs .

@x2boys yes, portage said it would take 6 months to get to us because there’s such a long waiting list, and they’ll contact me when they have capacity

That's a nasty thing to say, he's not a pet

Then she is not the person who can support you. I found my best support came from another mum who had an autistic child. We supported each other. Try and meet some people in the same boat.

"my partner isn’t working after losing his job and isn’t even bothering to look for work at the moment. He doesn’t do much housework beyond laundry even when DS is in nursery"
This is a major problem. Your partner should be parenting full time in order to take the pressure off you, if he is not intending to look for work.
If he was stepping up and doing his share, you would probably be able to take a little time to get some advice and support for your little boy.
Are you getting advice and support from your GP and HV?
Are you able to access some free hours nursery for your son?

Bless you, congratulations for your business though! At least you have one major positive to focus on. Your DH sounds a bit useless tbh, do you get on with his mum and dad? Could you get them to have a word with him if he's not listening to you.

Are you under CMHT for your mental health? Maybe time to get in touch with them before you end up spiralling out of control. I say this in the nicest way, I've pretty much wrote the book on mh issues and raising an asd child at the same time.

Wow your mum needs to be more understanding
She was probably just tired and not used to looking after LOs.
It sounds like you're doing great, your business is evidently beaming.
I would try not to overthink this comment and just do what makes both of you happy. Take care

I think you're doing amazingly.

Can you possibly afford to pay for a session with a private speech and language therapist- or perhaps two, an assessment and then an advice session where you, your mum and your dh attend together and discuss what's working and any new ideas, and get on the same page?

@endofthelinefinally I know, I keep encouraging him to look for work and he keeps umming and ahhing about it.

Have taken all the right steps to support DS - GP, health visitor, paediatric, PORTAGE, speech and language therapy, he’s in nursery two days a week

Sorry, just seen that DS is in nursery. Still, your non-working partner should be doing everything he can to help you.

@Sunnyqueen thank you. Yes under CMHT, but they’ve cancelled every appointment since last December, next one isn’t til November and they won’t see me before!

Same here ,I met a great bunch of friends who all have children with complex needs, we support each other we have a group dhat thing so even if we can't meet up ,we are constantly in contact, it's helped me massively.

I think your biggest problem is your useless DH.

If he’s not working then he needs to do everything else. What the fuck does he do all day? It’s utterly selfish that you’re worn down and struggling mentally whilst he isn’t doing anything. Why would he want to see you like this and think it’s ok?

He's 2 and a half!

He hasn't yet read the textbook on how he should be behaving.

Even without the special needs, alot of two and a half year olds are challenging!

Op have you applied for DLA ?
You don't need a diagnosis, but you will need evidence of your sons care needs ,it might take the financial strain off a bit .

Your mum probably just struggled, yes she spoke out of turn. Try not to over think it.

your big problem here is the useless partner. He’s not working but does nothing around the house either? And how much is he looking after his child?

What are you going to do about him?

Umm, you do know that you're an actual real life wonderwoman?!
You have so much to deal with and honestly, you're bloody amazing.
I suffered dreadfully with intrusive thoughts after the birth of my second daughter. My anxiety was off the scale. She's 16 now, so it does get better! even if she is bloody hard work
There was a book that helped me tremendously. I'll look it up and post the title in a mo.

@MissyB1 Hes great with DS when DS isn’t in nursery to be fair to him, but I’m tired of being the one to have to tidy up everything when he’s napping while DS is in nursery

The Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer.

Good luck with everything, OP

@mycatisannoying thank you so much for your kind words that means the world. Sorry to hear that you suffer too, I’d love to know the book if you do find it, I’m sure the reading alone would help me escape a little!

OP, there are going to lots of people who will give you some good advice, which I cannot do. I want to share simply that I think you are doing a really good job as a mum. For someone who is struggling with intrusive thoughts, an unhelpful partner and a little boy who may be heading towards an ASD diagnosis (any one of these things on their are really, really hard) , you sound really switched-on, empathetic and loving towards your little son.

I know you feel overwhelmed, and I hope there will be someone along shortly whose advice helps, but really, have a pause and see how far you have come and just how well you are doing.

All my very best, OP

Thank you xx @mycatisannoying