Mum said I need someone to ‘train’ DS - I’m at breaking point

[Imatbreakingpoint]

I am so overwhelmed my life at the moment. I don’t even know where to start, I just need to get it somewhere because I struggle to talk in real life, I hold in all of my anxieties and feelings because I have no energy to release them.

To start from the beginning; I’m a mum to a 2.5 year old; I had severe postnatal depression, borderline psychosis, for a long time after he was born. I know being a mum is hard, but I can’t describe the dark place I was in, it was the worst period of my life.

I also have OCD, and at the moment I am really struggling with intrusive thoughts and panicking something bad is going to happen to the point I feel sick.

I’m a business owner, after a failed business a couple of years ago that landed me in a load of debt. This business is set to turn over £230K this year which is maddening to me, but I am working so so much. And I work to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts. It’s all so overwhelming to me and I don’t feel like I’m ready for all of this. I know I know; poor me. I don’t mean it like that, I’m just really scared and my life feels like it’s spiralling out of control.

Heres to the breaking part bit...

my partner isn’t working after losing his job and isn’t even bothering to look for work at the moment. He doesn’t do much housework beyond laundry even when DS is in nursery.

my DS is suspected autistic, he can’t talk and doesn’t understand things. I’m not sure if he even understands what we’re saying. He communicates by leading us to the things he wants but he gets frustrated because he’s not talking and has meltdowns a lot, has major sensory issues and isn’t the best behaved at the best of times. I’m trying my best, I’m constantly talking to my health visitor and the nursery to ask for more support had all the referrals done, but nothings come of it.

last night my mum had DS for the first time in about 4 months so that DP and I could go away for the night. When I picked him up this morning my mum said ‘we need to have a serious conversation about your DS, his behaviour today was awful and you need to get someone to train him’.

we do everything for DS, make sure he is happy and we remove him from any situation he finds overwhelming. He’s been really chilled since being home and had a nice play date with next doors little girl; so I’m not sure if he was just out of sorts because he hasn’t been to granny’s for a while, but that comment has really got to me because it’s made me feel like a crap mum.

im really struggling and don’t know how to talk to anyone or what to do, I’m holding back the tears most of the time.

many advice is appreciated.

thanks for reading it you got this far

A) Your DS doesn’t need training - he needs kindness and understanding.

B) Your partner needs to start contributing to your family.

C) £230k turnover doesn’t give context. Turnover = vanity, Profit = sanity

You need a proper plan and a partner willing to pitch in or you’d be better off alone buying I help.

My pleasure. Oh, and if money is an issue, I'd be more than happy to send you my copy for free. Proof indeed that it does get better, as I wouldn't even need it back
Just PM me your address if that would help x

You poor thing having to hear that awful comment. You don't need someone to train your son! You need a supportive family who will love your son including his additional needs. Sadly I think people who think like your Mum just wont change. My parents are similar and despite me telling them over and over that kindness is better than just ignoring a child they won't have it!

You sound amazing actually. You’re battling your own mental health issues and have overcome lots already. You have a lovely son who is chilled out in your presence and who you are getting all the right support for. You’re keeping your family going when your partner is out of work.
you are incredible.
what your mum said was wrong and insensitive but she was probably tired and exhausted. You do need to get your partner to step up the looking for work and pulling his weight

Um ...... maybe your Mum needs to be trained as to how to deal with him.

Do not take it personally - she clearly found it hard, whereas you are managing as you are used to his needs and how best to handle them. So, it is not you who is the bad parent here.

I hope very much that your MH problems will start to settle soon.

He had a really nice play date??

Maybe he's not autistic
Maybe some attachment issues??

Difficulties stemming from you pnd ( not that there is anything wrong with that at all)

Sending much love OP it is so bloody hard
I know if too well

Great suggestion

Could your DP be a full time Dad? Obviously doing the housework too, but then you could have a bit of a break, and your DS would have full time support. My DS had speech issues and seeing a private speech therapist, although not cheap, was absolutely brilliant. Likewise the private OT we saw some years later when DS had issues at school (handwriting, coordination etc.). Is that something you could consider? Actually, I think having a young child who potentially needs extra support is hugely challenging, and I'm not surprised you're feeling at breaking point. If it's any consolation, in my case it got much, much better as DS got older.

If your DP isn’t working then he should be picking up everything at home: why isn’t he doing this? especially if your DS is in nursery. Why isn’t this happening? I’m not blaming you, just trying to understand the dynamics of you struggling on while he… does not. He’s meant to be your partner.

My son is late teens and autistic. It was exhausting dealing with the unhelpful and unkind people. I was incredibly lucky to have mumsnet which was a bit more nurturing then. Find other mums with children with ASD. It’s a totally different experience to parenting a nt child. I’d tell your mother her comment was horrible and keep her at arms length for a bit.

To be fair to your mum maybe an overnight stay after a gap of 4 months was a bit overwhelming for your son and he struggled more than usual?
Did you talk her through the strategies you have developed or just let her work it out?
Could you try building up from short sessions to start with?
Unless she is generally unsupportive it would be worth persevering as your partner sounds a bit rubbish and you may need her support in the future.
My youngest has ADHD and my mum, despite being a great mum to me, struggled to get that he needed a different sort of “parenting” once she understood she was an amazing grandma and support to me.

I mean this kindly but Yabu to put so much pressure on yourself.

Does your mum know about autism? Are her child rearing ideas less child centred
compared to modern parents? It sounds like she's an unsuitable babysitter if she's expecting a robot or mini-adult as a grandchild. My kids are NT but would have been giddy spending the night in a new place because it's genuinely exciting for them.

That's bs, I know it's different for different areas but I see them pretty much every week, with 6 weekly psychiatrist appointments. Keep phoning them and pushing them and they should see you sooner.

As for your mum lots of family just have no idea how to treat them and end up actually creating situations that didn't need to be created, they just don't know. 😔That was an awful thing for her to say.

@Sunnyqueen i know I’ve made a complaint to PALS because I’ve been awaiting a medication review since December too!

You don’t sound like a crap mum at all. You sound like an exhausted mum who is doing an incredible job in difficult circumstances.

Your DS doesn’t need “training”, but if she’s going to look after him, your mum might. You have all this experience with him of how to read him, how to anticipate, how to de-escalate and he still has melt downs with you and gets frustrated. Your mum probably had a really difficult time and none of the tricks she developed caring for you worked. It was probably a bit of a shock for her and her comment might have been a bit defensive because she felt she was a bit of a crap carer and was looking for something to blame that on. Not ideal, but maybe it will help you not feel so bad about yourself if you can understand how such a comment might be more about how hard your mum found it than anything to do with you.

I know you’re feeling overwhelmed and this might seem like more being piled on to your plate, but you need some hands on support and that means training up some of the people around you to do some of the heavy lifting for you. Do you think your mum might be open to learning a bit more about autism and how to manage ASD children, specifically her DGS? Have a heart to heart with her about DS’s difficulties, tell her you are struggling a bit, ask for her help, tell her about the strategies you use, and see if she will spend more time with you all together learning the ropes? With the intention that she might be willing to take him on her own more often to help you out?

But also, before that, you need to see if your DP can be encouraged, shamed or threatened into stepping up. His behaviour at the moment seems pretty disgraceful.

You left your child alone with someone who they hadn't seen in nearly half a year. That's almost a lifetime for a toddler!

It would have taken quite some time for your toddler to adjust to such a big change without you, their trusted adult.

Your toddler sounds like they were responding very healthily to a strange environment. If he had been very laid back it might suggest attachment issues.

Your mum seems to have missed this huge point.

Your dh is a lost cause.

In the kindest possible way op, please stop relying on the NHS to diagnose and find solutions for either of you. They won't on a timely basis. You will have to pay for it.

I'm aware that this wasn't what your post was about- but my eldest was a prem baby and was very speech delayed. The biggest help to us was we were told to learn some Makaton by the speech therapist- so that she could communicate with us.
She would bite and kick in frustration because she couldn't tell us what she wanted and she was nearly 3. Makaton really helped her with this. We learnt a lot from the 'Something Special' on BBC.

Your mum is being weird. Get someone to train him? It’s a child, not a dog…

You sound like a great mum. You’ve been through a difficult time and you sound like you’re coming through, even if maybe you don’t feel like it.

My child was diagnosed at three and a half by the NHS whilst I realise this was nine years ago ,but the more apparent the signs of autism the quicker a diagnosis, i know it can take years for some children but my son was diagnosed after seven months of assessment, s in his case it was incredibly obvious .

@Notwhennever we see my mum around twice a week, he just hadn’t stayed overnight

Have you applied for an EHCNA? It is possible to have SALT and OT assessments via this without the need to sit on the normal NHS waiting lists. Then if an EHCP is issued it’s possible to get SALT and OT provision without the need to sit on waiting lists and often more frequently and for a longer length of time than otherwise typically available.

Also, have you asked for social care assessments? Home Start might be able 5 help, too.

That's not been my experience at all either for myself or my child.