Mum said I need someone to ‘train’ DS - I’m at breaking point

[Imatbreakingpoint]

I am so overwhelmed my life at the moment. I don’t even know where to start, I just need to get it somewhere because I struggle to talk in real life, I hold in all of my anxieties and feelings because I have no energy to release them.

To start from the beginning; I’m a mum to a 2.5 year old; I had severe postnatal depression, borderline psychosis, for a long time after he was born. I know being a mum is hard, but I can’t describe the dark place I was in, it was the worst period of my life.

I also have OCD, and at the moment I am really struggling with intrusive thoughts and panicking something bad is going to happen to the point I feel sick.

I’m a business owner, after a failed business a couple of years ago that landed me in a load of debt. This business is set to turn over £230K this year which is maddening to me, but I am working so so much. And I work to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts. It’s all so overwhelming to me and I don’t feel like I’m ready for all of this. I know I know; poor me. I don’t mean it like that, I’m just really scared and my life feels like it’s spiralling out of control.

Heres to the breaking part bit...

my partner isn’t working after losing his job and isn’t even bothering to look for work at the moment. He doesn’t do much housework beyond laundry even when DS is in nursery.

my DS is suspected autistic, he can’t talk and doesn’t understand things. I’m not sure if he even understands what we’re saying. He communicates by leading us to the things he wants but he gets frustrated because he’s not talking and has meltdowns a lot, has major sensory issues and isn’t the best behaved at the best of times. I’m trying my best, I’m constantly talking to my health visitor and the nursery to ask for more support had all the referrals done, but nothings come of it.

last night my mum had DS for the first time in about 4 months so that DP and I could go away for the night. When I picked him up this morning my mum said ‘we need to have a serious conversation about your DS, his behaviour today was awful and you need to get someone to train him’.

we do everything for DS, make sure he is happy and we remove him from any situation he finds overwhelming. He’s been really chilled since being home and had a nice play date with next doors little girl; so I’m not sure if he was just out of sorts because he hasn’t been to granny’s for a while, but that comment has really got to me because it’s made me feel like a crap mum.

im really struggling and don’t know how to talk to anyone or what to do, I’m holding back the tears most of the time.

many advice is appreciated.

thanks for reading it you got this far

What an awful way to talk about her grandson.

I didnt used to talk at home and used to get incredibly frustrated but was as good as gold on playdates. My parents were both neurodiverse and our needs clashed, which made me feel unsafe. I found my voice at 16 and went into have a professional career, which involves a lot of public speaking.

Ive had the same MH issues as you and the root cause was undiagnosed ADHD, which did turn me into a workaholic who was a perfectionist. Due to the false stereotypes that exists NHS psychiatrists mis-diagnosed me with a range of MH issues including bipolar disorder. Have you considered that you and your husband may be neurodiverse too and your previous coping strategies no longer work now you are parents hence your MH needs?

I think you need to find yourself a therapist ASAP. Yes they are expensive but could you try to budget for one? Someone who specialises in the problems you've suffered. It's a case of you putting your oxygen mask on first before your child's. It might give you some clarity of thought and help you cope with all this stuff. How was your husband after the birth? Does he make you happy? Your mother showed that she knows fuck all about what's going on and she was coming from a place of ignorance. A therapist would help you to say 'fuck her' instead of taking it so personally and letting it derail you.

I agree with this 100%.

Take care of you so that you can take care of your DS - despite the undermining of your OH and DM.

OP I am in the same boat. All I can say is what I wish someone would say to me. You are amazing and you are just doing your best. Good enough is good enough! Sorry I don’t have more good advise

Firstly ignore your mum.
Secondly it sounds like you need a chat with your dh it's not fair he leaving it to you.
Thirdly some things that helped us-
Photographs of routines so ds could see what was happening and know what to expect
Photos of new places before visiting to prepare him.
A fairly set routine each day
Lots of opportunity to burn energy and stimulation
Access to things that soothed him - tv , food , books. Not all time but as needed
Distraction to try and offset a meltdown
Not expecting more than he was capable of
Plenty of sleep
I joined some support groups on Facebook which was helpful.

Your DS is so lucky to have a mum who understands his condition. You are doing a great job. Perhaps you could encourage your mum to learn about Autism?

You’re doing a great job.

As the mum of a child (DS5) with ASC and ADHD and SPD and PDA, I could have written your post at the same age. I won’t say it gets easier, but I thought it would break me many, many times. The worst part is having to push for services and support - I’ve complained about GP, SALT, OT and the complaint against DS’ pediatrician has gone to the Ombudsman. There is so little resource that they bin you off as much as possible for as long as possible and it’s utterly soul-destroying. Just keep
at them. DS was chucked out if school at age 5 for “bad behaviour” and it broke my heart.

Like a PP suggested, consider whether you might also be ND - I suspect I am, but I’m not going to self-diagnose and my efforts/resources are all focused on DS.

We have recently had a bit of a breakthrough with DS after finally being given ADHD medication, so I’m cautiously optimistic. It can get better and I hope it does for you.

I was also coming along to say that it's worth getting yourself assessed. Intrusive thoughts, feeling constantly overwhelmed even when things are going well, anxiety, psychotic type experiences - all things I've experienced and I'm autistic.