Mum said I need someone to ‘train’ DS - I’m at breaking point

[Imatbreakingpoint]

I am so overwhelmed my life at the moment. I don’t even know where to start, I just need to get it somewhere because I struggle to talk in real life, I hold in all of my anxieties and feelings because I have no energy to release them.

To start from the beginning; I’m a mum to a 2.5 year old; I had severe postnatal depression, borderline psychosis, for a long time after he was born. I know being a mum is hard, but I can’t describe the dark place I was in, it was the worst period of my life.

I also have OCD, and at the moment I am really struggling with intrusive thoughts and panicking something bad is going to happen to the point I feel sick.

I’m a business owner, after a failed business a couple of years ago that landed me in a load of debt. This business is set to turn over £230K this year which is maddening to me, but I am working so so much. And I work to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts. It’s all so overwhelming to me and I don’t feel like I’m ready for all of this. I know I know; poor me. I don’t mean it like that, I’m just really scared and my life feels like it’s spiralling out of control.

Heres to the breaking part bit...

my partner isn’t working after losing his job and isn’t even bothering to look for work at the moment. He doesn’t do much housework beyond laundry even when DS is in nursery.

my DS is suspected autistic, he can’t talk and doesn’t understand things. I’m not sure if he even understands what we’re saying. He communicates by leading us to the things he wants but he gets frustrated because he’s not talking and has meltdowns a lot, has major sensory issues and isn’t the best behaved at the best of times. I’m trying my best, I’m constantly talking to my health visitor and the nursery to ask for more support had all the referrals done, but nothings come of it.

last night my mum had DS for the first time in about 4 months so that DP and I could go away for the night. When I picked him up this morning my mum said ‘we need to have a serious conversation about your DS, his behaviour today was awful and you need to get someone to train him’.

we do everything for DS, make sure he is happy and we remove him from any situation he finds overwhelming. He’s been really chilled since being home and had a nice play date with next doors little girl; so I’m not sure if he was just out of sorts because he hasn’t been to granny’s for a while, but that comment has really got to me because it’s made me feel like a crap mum.

im really struggling and don’t know how to talk to anyone or what to do, I’m holding back the tears most of the time.

many advice is appreciated.

thanks for reading it you got this far

Why have a partner who does not help your life in any worthwhile way. Better get rid and pay cleaner, babysitter, childminder etc.
I suspect he might shape up a bit if it's made clear to him what is on your mind ie him shifting out.
He should be devoted to dS and keep a spotless home. He is neither so just adding to your stress.

I voted YABU as I think your mum was letting you know that you need help and support - which from your posts it does sound like you do.

Is your business definitely going to make money?
Or are you working yourself into the ground when actually you could get a less stressful job.

Does your DP make your life harder or easier would you say?

Wow OP, you are doing great. Your DP is taking the piss though.

Just a couple of things that may be useful, flashcards can be a good communication tool, with photos of all of the things he would ask for to give you when he wants something. Also those pop up play tents can make a nice cosy calm down place which can be transported if he is spending time elsewhere, so he has familiarity to return to when he is feeling overwhelmed.

I think your mum might find this picture helpful!

OP you have my complete respect. From someone going through a very similar situation, I’m sending a big hug of solidarity. Don’t ever doubt your parenting ❤️

You said yourself that your DS’s behaviour is difficult for you and you’ve tried to get help without success. It’s not a surprise they your mum struggled tbh. Did you give her any pointers? Do’s & dont’s to help?

I’d take this opportunity to push for more support/help. Early intervention is vital.

Your mum’s choice of words were not helpful.

Your little boy obviously doesn't need training. Probably your mum would benefit from some training in looking after autistic children, though (I'm not being snarky- she really would!)

FWIW I think that it shows what a fantastic job you're doing with your son if he's mostly happy and calm with you, despite the fact he clearly has quite significant additional needs x

And Ps yes, your husband is a dick. Obvs.

Your partner is a lazy shit. Does he contribute anything financially?

Your son needs professional help.

I think your Mum was just trying to help but she obviously doesn't know how to deal with your son.

What is most important here?

I almost went under just before the first lockdown due to mental health and stress. Please talk to your GP and seek professional advice.

When I was having counselling last year, one of the best bits of advice I was given was, "You need to make sure your tank is full before you keep trying to help everyone else."

@Imatbreakingpoint Please look after yourself.

I had people say similar when my dd was the same age, she was exactly like your ds, non verbal, would pull us towards what she wanted, he sleeping was rubbish and she would often scream because we didn’t know what she wanted and she couldn’t communicate with us. I think for older family members they believed it was down to parenting, mainly because they didn’t know much about autism. I did find it really upsetting but it has got easier..or my skin has got thicker. My parents have become more autism aware and they no longer make stupid comments about DD’s behaviours.

sounds like your doing a great job juggling work and your DS, it isn’t easy at all. Your DH needs to do more to help.

I do not think anyone has mentioned this, but basic makaton may help your son's frustration over communication. It is a very basic sign language developed for children and adults with complex disabilities. Google it. You simply sign the word and say it when giving something e.g, drink, sign, give drink. Even children with very complex disability can usually learn a few signs - usually biscuits, sweets, and drink, but there are other ones as well.

Sounds like you are doing a fantastic job op.
Can I suggest makaton with Lucinda on Instagram. Absolute god send and will help your little one immensely. Sending you positive thoughts

Why are you tidying up when you’re making that much money?! Get rid of the sleeping man and hire a cleaner or a good child minder! Or maybe just threaten to 😉

How about encouraging your partner to take on the household "job" until you get more support for your ds. It might help to not remind him about his inability to get a job and help him regain some self esteem.

Maybe give your mother some books to read on interacting with children/people on the spectrum.

All of the above is not to suggest that you are wrong and the people around you are right, but rather to redirect your energy into encouraging them to do something that they can manage instead of constantly being frustrated by their shortcomings and reminding them of your disappointment.

I do not know how old your mum is. But many oldish people learned nothing about autism when young. She is speaking from ignorance, but not unusual in older people.

Op sounds like you're doing wonderfully

My ds is 30 with Aspergers. A head teacher once said to me that his nursery group were "25 little animals that need to be trained "

I moved him after that .

It sounds like you're doing really well for him - give your mum some reading material .

First things first OP, you really are not a crap or failed Mum, you are a fantastic Mum. Despite his challenges your little boy is chilled and happy at home, you have sought the right help, are engaging with your HV and are on Ds’s side.

Despite your own huge challenges.

The people around you are not picking up their share and you have a big burden if you are the breadwinner, doing most of the household work, and taking care of Ds’s needs.

You will not be able to continue to do your best by Ds if you continue like this and I think you should start with a clear calm talk with your DH. Talk about how you best become a team for keeping your family thriving. What would most take the pressure off you so that you can continue to make a success of your new business? (I am in awe of your success and resilience here).

What your Mum said is ignorant and insensitive.

What is she usually like? Was she understanding and supportive about your post natal illness and OCD? If she is usually OK, maybe you can get her on your team by getting her to spend more time with you and Ds so that she can learn how best to care for him. She will have a much better time as a grandparent if she can and would do this! Explain about autism and how he doesn’t always see the world as she does and it is frustrating for him not yet havjng his language.

Discuss it with her calmly and directly. If she is prepared to be onside, great, encourage her.

If she continues to undermine your confidence, we’ll, keep her at polite arms length.

My friends with disabled kids (incl autism) tend to have one grandparent who ‘gets it’ and is a real help, hands on and morale wise, and other relatives who have basically put themselves on a Christmas card list and that’s it, because if they don’t add anything they don’t get to take up time and energy that is needed elsewhere!

You can do this OP, a woman who can build to a turnover of £230k after a crash and in tough times can prioritise and strategise. Hang in in there.

Op there are also other forms of communication other than Makaton or signalong which mu son never took but he does use PECs which is picture exchange cards ,speech therapy will explain all this

Oh bless you. I have PND and an autistic child. I completely understand and you are doing great, honestly. If anyone needs training, it's your mum, maybe she would benefit from an understanding autism course.

Also, my ds was diagnosed as Neurodiverse at 21. The neuropsychologist recommend a website called neuroclastic.com and a book called neurotribes

Sorry you’re finding everything overwhelming, it sounds awful.
Can you not go private to get help for your son?
Look into a low carb / ketogenic diet for him. Kids need the right proteins and fat and most food these days is over processed, lacking in nutrition and too high in carbs. Good luck

I would go private to get help for yourself first. You have been through the wars and are holding it all together despite the additional issues of your DS suspected ASD, single handedly clearing and being undermined by you selfish OH and ignorant DM.

I applaud you for still standing.

Invest in getting your own mind straight and then how best to manage the others will unfold.

Good luck. Look after yourself because no one else in your life is taking care of you.

He sounds just like my son at the same age. He has asd, diagnosed when he was 7 but under speech therapists and peads since he was two.
he used to get so frustrated if for example he got a Disney blind bag. He thought the picture on the front, you were guaranteed to get. That's the only time my mum got cross with him, ever, but it had been meltdowns all day, we lived with her.

I can understand his anxiety in a way as my sons nearly 10 and wouldn't have an overnight stay from his home comforts etc.

I remember my mil crying when I asked her to watch him for a day while we were decorating, when he was about 3. But she was honest and said she didn't think she could cope. I wasn't offended at all. I was glad she told me and I could reassure her.

now he's older he has a better relationship with her. Neither of them were at fault. Hes not a tactile at all and loves being at home, but they have a shared love of art. He could talk to her for hours about different art, pens, artists, blending etc. but even when they didn't she did come round at least twice a week, and she takes my younger two out.

from this id say give it time. I honestly thought I'd done something wrong. He didn't talk til 4 and he still mumbles now.

if you ever want to message me my inbox is open, I wouldn't go back to those years but they were helpful sometimes in learning triggers

It was a very ignorant thing to say, and beyond belief really. Does she know that you suspect autism and have tried to make appointments for assessments? It sounds like she doesn’t understand at all

Btw your partner sounds like he isn’t pulling his weight and is relying on superwoman (you) to do everything, he needs to step up

You’re running yourself ragged running a business, supporting your family financially (alone) running a house and looking after a toddler with suspected SN and your DH naps while your ds is in nursery!!

Ffs.

Op, if you have the money then I would strongly suggest getting a private covenant with an occupational therapist that specialises in sensory diets. They could also refer you on to private speech and language do you could be learning makaton and/or other basic communication methods. Such as a "now and then" board or even just laminated pictures of his favourite toys, foods, activities and people. Is amazing how much of a difference it can make, literally? We had a 1 day course in sensory and a 1 day course on communication and the difference was Life altering for all of us.