Ungrateful

[ingratitude]

NC as a bit outing.

Birthday is coming up. I loathe birthday with a passion due to family issues. I'm reconciled to this and at 40+ happy to live this way

DH thinks he has to fix this. Each year I ask for no presents or fuss. Each year he tries. Each year we fall out as I'm ungrateful for something I didn't want in the first place

This year he's taken me away - booked and paid for without my knowledge. Lovely small hotel but the nearest people in age to us are at least 25 years older and most I'd say are 80+. It's a tiny intimate hotel (nicely done) but I feel like I'm in a nursing home.

Today we're going 'out'. I asked where. Sightseeing. Sightseeing what exactly? Whatever you want he tells me. So he's booked a hotel in the middle of nowhere (no pub, restaurants etc for miles) and there's not even a plan as to how we spend our time. Hotel has no pool or anything.

AIBU to feel hugely pissed off that firstly my reasonable request was ignored not to do anything and secondly what he did then arrange is a bit shit?

I just want to go home and/or cry right now and he's gone down to breakfast without me as I'm clearly unhappy

There was a lot I could have answered this with. But I didn't

Is 'Be grateful' the new 'Be kind'?

@COL1N
SHE
DOESN’T
WANT
IT
AND
HE
KNOWS

clear enough now?

God, this thread has made me irrationally angry!

Why is the OP so wrong for wanting (and expecting) to be listened to by her husband?
Why has she got to suck it up just because he's overridden her, allegedly doing something nice 'for her'?
Why would you be grateful for being given something you didn't want when you have made it crystal clear your birthday should be a non-event?

She hasn't done ANYTHING WRONG!

OP, I completely understand. Try and make the best of it this year.

Many people really struggle with the idea of someone genuinely not wanting a birthday fuss and overcompensate to fill the gap because they have no guidance on what the birthday person wants. And then they don’t want to fall into the trap of not actually doing anything and causing great upset.

Maybe next year try taking control of the situation, by booking in low key things that you’d like to do anyway but it’s just a coincidence it’s on your birthday. Eg., an exhibition, a favourite place for a meal, going for a walk and treating to coffee and something sweet, the cinema. It could include making sure you get to go to a nice Pilates class or going swimming. Or even just rewatching a favourite film at home with a takeaway. If your DH asks you what gift you want, just insist he pays for dinner and nothing else.

Birthdays don’t have to be a big deal, just plan having a nice day. Your DH may back off a bit if something is actually in the diary.

Nb - I’ve also historically been terrible about birthdays. Doing the above has really helped me come to terms with the day and getting through it. Xx

@user656709 - alright love, calm down! Im just saying that shes there now, in a nice hotel with the man she presumably loves, it shouldn't be too hard to have a nice time & enjoy her weekend!

I get you OP. He hasn’t respected your wishes for your birthday for years which to me is the main issue. But concerning this particular birthday trip I would google and find local walking trails or parks or popular sites and suggest to visit those. Get some cards or a game and play outside or somewhere. Try to make the best of it.

i suppose maybe thats his plan? sex. hotel weekend away means sex.

but the OP isn't likely to be in that sort of mood.

i assume just staying at home and watching a movie would have been a much prefeffed way to spend the day than having to be up and perky and make plans and generally BE PRESENT.

least next year birthday may be on a work day and you can just go to work and ignore it.

Thank you all for your thoughts. We've been to beach and had a nice day. When DC's were little I'd always make sure we were on holiday for my birthday as that totally deflected any attention but now they do their own thing I can't hide behind that anymore.

I didn't mean to be rude about the other guests being older. It's just very very quiet and annoyingly DH keeps telling people it's my birthday (cue well meant birthday wishes from strangers).

DH really doesn't understand why it upsets me and I think next year I shall just take matters into my own hands and arrange something un-birthday-ish for myself then I can't whine

DH really doesn't understand why it upsets me

He doesn't need to understand-just accept it and stop trying to "fix" it.

As for telling strangers that it's your birthday🙄

Is he a complete idiot or does he just not care?

You need to stop thinking of it as 'whining'.

If a poster comes on here complaining (rightly) that her DH ignores her birthday, even though it matters to her, they are often told how wrong he is, and if he loves her he should listen.

What's the difference?

Poor bloke.

Yes, poor bloke. It must be very difficult going through life entirely unable to listen to what other people want. So much effort put into deliberately ignoring other people's wishes. 🙄

I am quite shocked by your partner keeping on telling strangers that it's your birthday. He may not fully understand that you want NO birthday acknowledgement, rather than that you haven't yet had the right sort yet; and as I said above, you may be contributing to this misunderstanding by complaining about details of the gifts/ arrangements. But surely he should realize that you don't want strangers involved! Is he that insensitive and intrusive about other things, or does he have a specific 'thing' about birthdays in the opposite direction from you or me?

It seems to me you need to communicate with your DH.

You said in the past you always made sure you were on holiday during your birthday. Could he not be trying to do the same sort of thing by being away for your birthday? Why is it different because of no children now? And how would he just know that?

You said “DH doesn’t really know why it upsets me” so wouldn’t it be helpful to explain it to him?

I do understand your point of view, but so many people run into trouble when they take their spouse at face value saying “don’t do anything for my birthday, and I don’t want any presents”. Communication is key