Ungrateful

[ingratitude]

NC as a bit outing.

Birthday is coming up. I loathe birthday with a passion due to family issues. I'm reconciled to this and at 40+ happy to live this way

DH thinks he has to fix this. Each year I ask for no presents or fuss. Each year he tries. Each year we fall out as I'm ungrateful for something I didn't want in the first place

This year he's taken me away - booked and paid for without my knowledge. Lovely small hotel but the nearest people in age to us are at least 25 years older and most I'd say are 80+. It's a tiny intimate hotel (nicely done) but I feel like I'm in a nursing home.

Today we're going 'out'. I asked where. Sightseeing. Sightseeing what exactly? Whatever you want he tells me. So he's booked a hotel in the middle of nowhere (no pub, restaurants etc for miles) and there's not even a plan as to how we spend our time. Hotel has no pool or anything.

AIBU to feel hugely pissed off that firstly my reasonable request was ignored not to do anything and secondly what he did then arrange is a bit shit?

I just want to go home and/or cry right now and he's gone down to breakfast without me as I'm clearly unhappy

I think your husband should listen to you and stop making such an effort.

However, what does it matter what age the other guests are in the hotel? Are elderly people not allowed to go on holiday? Why does it affect you in any way? It makes me wonder if you are being a bit mean and finding fault unnecessarily.

If he'd thrown you a surprise party knowing that you didn't want one then I'd get it, but a trip away.... yeah, YABU and no doubt ruining your DHs break. Slap a smile on and stop being so rude. I did this once when an ex booked somewhere for my b'day that wasn't to my taste. In hindsight I'm embarrassed at how rude and ungrateful I was about it.

also, as he is DH - so married - then most couples share finances (obv not all)

so this lovely treat - well she is paying for it!

Plenty of hotels that would be ideal for an older person who wanted a lovely lounge area overlooking a great view for an afternoon snooze with occasional tea.

but not appeal to a 40 something who wanted to go off and do stuff. doesn't mean its a bad hotel, just doesn't appeal to all.

Totally agree.

Op has said she doesn't want to celebrate, doesn't want presents etc. I get it. I'm not a fan of my birthday either and rarely do anything to celebrate it.

Would you consider that you are now with a person who wants to treat you in your birthday and the past whilst you cannot change what member you went through it’s in the past?

Wow - we've got very dodgy mobile signal so just seen this.

FWIW I find birthdays deeply upsetting through childhood trauma. OH knows this but does truly think he's helping by treating me to a trip away

I've given my head a wobble and have mentally told myself this is just a weekend away and to crack on with it.

It's hard trying to please a birthday misery guts. You obviously do care a great deal about your birthdays otherwise you wouldn't be behaving like a birthday diva.
What's so hard about doing nothing? I'd say it was harder to please somebody who wants others to acknowledge their "special" day.

I could have written that!

Very few people know the actual date of my birthday. And that's just the way I like it!

It’s a weekend away with your OH, not with all the family. Get on and make the best of it. I don’t like birthday parties or a fuss, but I’d love to be surprised with a weekend away for my birthday tbh.

Jeez you sound horrible and your poor husband just trying to do something nice for you what an asshole lol

100%

But he knows it isn't nice for her due to childhood trauma.

That actually does make him an arsehole.

I’d love to have any break with my dh, dc and new baby so no chance. Be grateful!

if I was your partner I would leave you and find somebody who appreciated my thought and kindness rather than be stuck with an ungrateful fault picking human who made me feel awful for caring about them enough to want to treat them

Hello OP. If I were you, every year on your birthday I’d talk over with your DH something you’d enjoy doing and make a plan. It could be as simple as going for a walk in the park. That way there are no surprises, you’re doing an activity you enjoy ( you could see it as a normal day out) and your DH feels like he’s doing something to celebrate your birthday.
As an aside many older people have led very interesting lives and have some wonderful stories.

That's the point, surely?

She didn't want it and if it's shit, it's shit

So you're always delighted when you're either given something you've expressly said you didn't want, or taken somewhere you didn't want to go?

So if you did something for your partner that they'd expressly stated that they didn't like or want you'd expect them to be grateful?

I'm with you OP.

Why should we be grateful and go along with things we don't want, when we've stated VERY CLEARLY that we don't want them?

That's you.

Why should the OP feel the same?

Exactly

Um, whose birthday is it exactly?

If her DH likes celebrating his birthday, has the OP said that she won't?

I'd be handing you your suitcases (along with your arse)!

I'd far rather be with someone who actually listened to me rather than a person who did what they thought I should like

The OAPs at the place will be less joyless than you.