Ungrateful

[ingratitude]

NC as a bit outing.

Birthday is coming up. I loathe birthday with a passion due to family issues. I'm reconciled to this and at 40+ happy to live this way

DH thinks he has to fix this. Each year I ask for no presents or fuss. Each year he tries. Each year we fall out as I'm ungrateful for something I didn't want in the first place

This year he's taken me away - booked and paid for without my knowledge. Lovely small hotel but the nearest people in age to us are at least 25 years older and most I'd say are 80+. It's a tiny intimate hotel (nicely done) but I feel like I'm in a nursing home.

Today we're going 'out'. I asked where. Sightseeing. Sightseeing what exactly? Whatever you want he tells me. So he's booked a hotel in the middle of nowhere (no pub, restaurants etc for miles) and there's not even a plan as to how we spend our time. Hotel has no pool or anything.

AIBU to feel hugely pissed off that firstly my reasonable request was ignored not to do anything and secondly what he did then arrange is a bit shit?

I just want to go home and/or cry right now and he's gone down to breakfast without me as I'm clearly unhappy

I can’t believe what I’m reading. OP has made it very clear she doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday. Bear in mind we don’t know what it is from her childhood that makes her feel this way. Her DH persistently ignores this and tries to make her do it anyway and she is being told to go along with it. Where does this end? How much does she have to do to keep him happy even though he is showing a blatant disregard for her wishes. Are you all honestly saying you would advise a friend, your daughter or sister to go along with something she doesn’t want to do to make a man happy. Wow!!

as for the ingratitude she is saying she can’t make the best of it because there is nothing to do. So on top of making her go and celebrate her birthday he is now making her arrange it too! He sounds like a prick and if he has people in his life like PP who are encouraging him to carry on disregarding her wishes like a child who doesn’t know what’s good for her then he won’t change. He thinks he knows what you want better than you.

my advice is next year book something for yourself, a retreat, citybreak, a course - anything that gets you away and don’t engage in any more birthday activities. If my DH did anything like this I would definitely get the ick. Nothing attractive or lovely about this behaviour.

It's hard trying to please a birthday misery guts. You obviously do care a great deal about your birthdays otherwise you wouldn't be behaving like a birthday diva. If it wasn't your birthday how would you be responding to this situation. I think you should try to enjoy it but if you genuinely can't and will stay in a mood then you to do some therapy before the next one.

Exactly, you just sound utterly miserable. Do you really think no presents and no fuss makes you better off ?

OP mentioned sight seeing so I'm going to assume it isn't in the middle of no where, how many hotels have you heard of where there is absolutely nothing to do? There must at least be somewhere to get food and somewhere to go on a walk. OP sounds like they just want to find faults in it

This. There will surely be a market town or large village somewhere drivable to with nice independent shops to browse, a pub/somewhere to have lunch or a cream tea. It sounds like the OP is putting a lot of effort into being miserable.

Quite ungrateful, OP.

I agree, it sounds like you want to be miserable and wallow around the time of your birthday in the family issues that caused your feelings.

How kind of your DP to just want to make you happy, and make your birthday a happy time instead of a time to ignore. He wants to celebrate you and you are moaning because "it's a bit shit"

He deserves better I reckon. I dont know what you expected from this post.

Why are so many of you against the OP having her own feelings about her birthdays? Why do you think she should try and hide her feelings and feign or force happiness to make someone else (who ignores her wishes every year) happy?

Would you say the same if it was about something else?

I think the issue is that he repeatedly ignores your issues and behaves as if HE knows better than you about how you want to spend your birthday.

He is doing what HE wants.

He hasn't listened to you.

He is disrespectful if he thinks he knows you better than you know yourself.

I would be pissed off too and I would think it is controlling.

Posters telling you that it is not a big deal and you are ungrateful is more of the same.

Dismissive of your feelings.

I am married nearly 30 years and if you want to be happily married, you listen to your partner when they tell you something.

You do not go ahead and carry on with what you want to do and pretend like you don't know and haven't heard.

Being expected to be grateful for something you have clearly said you don't want would piss me off no end.

Controlling and manipulative.

I know what I want.
I don't need any man telling me they know better than me what I want.

I hear you OP.
It's annoying.

So why doesn't he sort that then? Rather than saying to her "we will do what you want"?! Leaving HER to work out what to do?

I think that there are two different issues here. The first is his disregarding your strong wish to avoid your birthday. There, I entirely sympathize with you. I hate my birthday more than almost anything in the universe, and it is very important to me to be allowed to totally forget its existence. It is of the UTMOST importance to me that others should ALWAYS respect my phobia, and NEVER go against my wishes on the matter. I'm accommodating on most issues, but not that one!

The other is that you feel that 'what he did then arrange is a bit shit'. While I can see that it may not be the most exciting event and venue in the world, he did try to give you something enjoyable, and I think you shouldn't complain about it, because (a) it is rather ungrateful; and (b) it deflects attention away from the key point of wanting no birthdays. I think your partner may be under the impression that your dislike of birthdays is just because they haven't been done in the right way, and that if he can find the ideal present or treat for you, he could make you love them. Complaining about his attempts may only reinforce this idea, which is fair neither on him nor on you..

Like pp, I think that as things are already booked, you should try to enjoy it as a mini-break, and forget the birthday aspect. Going forward, I would suggest that you show particular enthusiasm and appreciation for things that he gives you/ does for you outside of birthdays; and even suggest to him at times that you do something together for an 'unbirthday'. You could tell him that you love the things that he does for you, but could they not be linked to your birthday, as the thought of your birthday makes you so depressed that you can't fully enjoy things, and may cause you to get moody and bad-tempered with others including him, for which you apologize. I don't know whether these specific suggestions will work, but I think you should try to separate your general birthday-phobia from your opinion of his gifts.

Where has she said she wants to be miserable and wallow? All she has said is that she doesn't want to mark her birthday?! All the drama actually seems to stem for her partner ignoring that?!

I'm sorry but I think there's something in this. Presumably you do some fun stuff the rest of the time. So what's the problem with saying no cake or presents please, but this is a nice restaurant I'd like to try or place I'd like to visit (and just having it coincide with your birthday)?

Bollocks

If you are forcing someone to go somewhere when they don't want to, then at least it should be nice

I agree with you.

MN is full of women telling others to suck it up ignore their feelings, put others ahead of them.

Even on a woman's birthday she has to repeatedly accept her husband planning things when she has clearly said she'd rather not celebrate.

Heaven forbid she would be entitled to choose how she spends HER birthday🙄.

No wonder so many women are unhappy and abused, remaining in shit situations for years because so many women are determined that they always subsume their feelings at the alter of a MAN.🙄

No, I get this. I have spent my life with husband who does this. (Not usually birthdays though).

He will buy me things I don’t want, and get cross because I’m not grateful enough (all I’m thinking is what a waste of money)
He does things I don’t want him to (but I’m ungrateful because it was done for me - no actually this was something you wanted)
And if I do ask him for a specific thing to be done, he does it the way he wants it done, in spite of telling me this is my special project and I can have it any way I want.

Its not a case of being ungrateful, it’s having a partner whose wants and wishes always come first, even though they dress it up.

You have my every sympathy.

Perhaps because he knows by know what sort of reaction he’ll get if he plans something without discussing with her? Perhaps the idea was to discuss all the options over a nice leisurely breakfast

Exactly this. Change your mindset you sound a massive pita and quite frankly a right misery he's done a nice thing you sound so ungrateful.

Just because something happened in the past shouldn't let it affect the future.

I'd love my husband to book a holiday for me! The weather is lovely. Why do you need specific plans? Just go for a walk?

It's not his fault the guests are on the geriatric side. Bet they do t advertise that!

Think if this for him rather than for you. One thing I've learnt about birthdays they aren't just about you. Other people want to celebrate you! My husband hates his birthday and is a miserable Scrooge. It's so sad for my kids as they get excited about buying him a pressie and baking a cake. His mum wants to celebrate. So get over yourself

Her DH persistently ignores this and tries to make her do it anyway and she is being told to go along with it. Where does this end? How much does she have to do to keep him happy even though he is showing a blatant disregard for her wishes. Are you all honestly saying you would advise a friend, your daughter or sister to go along with something she doesn’t want to do to make a man happy. Wow

That’s the point though, she didn’t have to go along with it, she could have nipped this in the bud by saying she wasn’t going. She knows he has form, so why put up with it at all? What’s the point in capitulating, only to then moan about doing the thing you didn’t want to do?

@ingratitude

Sounds like bliss to me.

Go out and about and find a nice cafe somewhere you can sit outside int be sunshine.

Have a mooch around,stop for a glass of wine.

When your back at the hotel get a book and sit in a sunny quiet spot and relax.

If he had booked it for no occasion and just as a getaway would you be so annoyed?

Be grateful to have some peace op.

There must be some areas to explore nearby?

Find a good restaurant or have your evening meal at the hotel with your dh and enjoy some time together,have a laugh.

I'll swap with you.

This isn't about the birthday or the weekend, is it?
This is about the husband.

The way to avoid this in future is to tell him you want vouchers for M&S or somewhere. Then just buy underwear as normal. You could even regift them if you did not use them.

YANBU - all you want is for him to listen to you! I would be so frustrated.

Agree

Just go for a walk, and enjoy spending time together. Go for a drive, find a nice restaurant or go and have a picnic.

Reframe it as a weekend away, rather than a birthday present you didn’t want want. Choose to have a nice time rather than being miserable and complaining