To think I'm a creepy man magnet

[Shadowmallow]

It doesn't matter where I go, whenever I'm alone, I seem to get weird men (often middle aged) coming over to talk to me/cornering me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate it and dread being approached. I'm 35, very plain looking, size 10. Day to day I wear jeans and t shirts/midi skirts and t shirts, very casual. Nothing remotely attention grabbing about me.

I'm currently at a large park, enjoying the sun, reading a book. There are plenty of empty benches everywhere, but of course some creepy guy comes and sits right next to me on a bench and starts asking me what I'm up to, how's my book, with a creepy smirk on his face. A couple of weeks ago I was sitting outside a coffee shop reading and a man decided to come and sit and my table without asking, started talking AT me, and said he liked my trainers - he wasn't even a customer of the coffee place. I had to tell him sorry but I've come here to read my book so not really up for chatting today. This has been happening all my life - is it just me or do all women get this?

Also I can't work out their intentions - do they just want to chat, or actually make women feel intimidated?

If you're too intimidating to approach you're fairly aggressive.

Good, lets all channel some of that, I would love to be too intimidating to be approached by these random creepy men

Although I think you are misreading unapproachable for aggressive. I mean you can't actually be aggressive by simply looking unapproachable. Where is the aggression in 'looking' something

Too intimidating to be approached by people you don't want to approach you = too aggressive, does it?

Fascinating. I'd think it represented exactly the right amount of whatever quality you decide to label it.

Unfortunately it happens too often to me too and my female friends. I'm 47. I still don't know how to handle it very well as I'm so socialised to "not make a fuss". I hate it. I posted on a FB group the other day which is a hobby/interest group I've joined, put a few photos on of the activity I'd done (very tame activity nothing unusual). One of them was a selfie, no make up, wearing a zipped up fleece. I had numerous comments and one private message. It's like they can't help themselves. I've had to change my FB profile pic to one of an inanimate object due to the amount of DMs I was getting when it was one of my face.

DD age 15 gets lots of unwanted attention on public transport and just walking round usually from much older men. One was quite verbally aggressive towards her when she rebuffed him. She's called me in tears before when she was on a train and a man of at least 30 sat down next to her despite there being multiple unoccupied seats. I'm trying to teach her to be more assertive and tell them to do one.

I really sympathise with this, I used to be approached a lot like this when I was younger. It happens less now I’ve reached my 30s as I seem to have perfected my “don’t talk to me” face which I wear at pretty much all times.

I also used to be a lot less confident so I think my overall body language made me look quite vulnerable. Now I make sure I walk confidently and assuredly, and when alone on public transport I try to make myself look completely absorbed in something. I still get it occasionally, but far less, and I think I’m good at just saying “I’m busy/not interested/in the middle of something”.

I’m in no way saying this is your fault though, OP. Women shouldn’t have to resort to any kind of ‘special measures’ to avoid unwanted attention.

I don’t necessarily think all men do this sort of thing maliciously, but I do think there’s an expectation with a lot of men that women should talk to them, and are being impolite if they refuse. You shouldn’t have to engage in conversation with anyone you don’t want to, without fear of repercussions.

Exactly. Some ppl are weird they can't talk face to face with ppl when they are out buy can sit on their phone arguing with strangers.

I cannot see why it is weird to not want to,be approached by random creepy men....

If you're too intimidating to approach you're fairly aggressive.

Or perhaps men know to approach seemingly weaker women because it allows them to get away with this shit?

Bullies & criminals approach targets weaker than them: Women, the elderly, children, people with disabilities, those physically smaller than them. But I'm guessing that just comes with the territory of fitting in any of those categories as far as you are concerned.

If a resting bitch face makes me aggressive (as if any us with RBF can help the way we look) then you know what? What you think is irrelevant. I just hope to fuck that your daughter grows up with healthier boundaries than the ones you appear to promote.

I mean you are also sat on your device arguing with strangers so you don't have the moral high ground here that you think you have

I live in a very small village, I talk to everyone when I am out and about, its totally normal around here. But I am lucky in that there is only one creepy bloke in the village and he keeps himself to himself. (He's not considered creepy because he is a recluse, he is considered creepy because when he was younger he sexually assaulted several women in the village)

However when I go into larger towns/cities for work, I often see this kind of thing, either men approaching me or I see them approach other women. Its absolutely a thing. And whilst they may be nice enough they are totally playing on the fact that women won't know whether they will turn on them or not so they have to try to be nice to the strange men.

Its completely okay to not want to talk to men like this. Not weird at all. What is weird is denying multiple women's lived experiences.

I don't know @girlfriend44 - if you're agreeing with me I feel like I'm probably the one in the wrong here

I think you're onto something there. I've been noticing two separate trends over the past couple of years: one being posts which are clearly from fetishists, two, being those who flame and harass women who talk openly of VAWG and sexual abuse they've experienced at the hands of men. Some of these people claim to be women, one of whom has trailed me around this site for the sole purpose of abusing me and then attempting to claim I was bullying them (I never responded or attempted to interact). I brought this to the attention of MNHQ, who eventually asked this poster to leave.

Such people make a beeline for victims of sexual abuse. The reasons why, I wouldn't care to speculate on, but the trend is certainly there.

The determination of these posters to prevent women talking about our experiences must clearly stem from the problem that relating the severity of those experiences will make men look bad. Look at any thread with variations on the theme of this one - or, sadly, worse. You will always find such posters.

I have news for these people. They will never silence me.

I've just had a man chatting away to me on the bus.

I had earphones in but nodded along for ease.

then before I got off, he said "do you want my phone number, I won't ask for yours".

i took the easy road and said my boyfriend wouldn't like it.

hope I don't bump into him again.

not nasty but just whyyyyyyyy tho

It's fucking entitlement is what it is. They think they are entitled to our time and we are conditioned to be polite.

I tell my daughter to get loud if anyone is trying to be creepy with her. There are some absolute horrors out there.

There is coffee in that nebula.

If op, does or is involved with security, defence, military, or even company research and development etc, then it's likely that its either foreign intelligence services trying to recruit the op, or it's corporate espionage, from competitors of the company.

Its like people.watch e.g. James bond, or spooks etc, and think nah it's only fiction.

It's crazy how men will respect 'the boyfriend' and back off, but not the woman in front of them.

I think I am going to start pretending to be talking on the phone.
It is definitely worse in summer. Being short doesn't help.

it makes me feel less inclined to talk to men, ever. I was at a networking thing recently and this wasn't intentional, but I avoided the men. I realised a few days later.