To think I'm a creepy man magnet

[Shadowmallow]

It doesn't matter where I go, whenever I'm alone, I seem to get weird men (often middle aged) coming over to talk to me/cornering me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate it and dread being approached. I'm 35, very plain looking, size 10. Day to day I wear jeans and t shirts/midi skirts and t shirts, very casual. Nothing remotely attention grabbing about me.

I'm currently at a large park, enjoying the sun, reading a book. There are plenty of empty benches everywhere, but of course some creepy guy comes and sits right next to me on a bench and starts asking me what I'm up to, how's my book, with a creepy smirk on his face. A couple of weeks ago I was sitting outside a coffee shop reading and a man decided to come and sit and my table without asking, started talking AT me, and said he liked my trainers - he wasn't even a customer of the coffee place. I had to tell him sorry but I've come here to read my book so not really up for chatting today. This has been happening all my life - is it just me or do all women get this?

Also I can't work out their intentions - do they just want to chat, or actually make women feel intimidated?

I can see why you’re solo.

Look love, they were just trying to being nice, you should be flattered. Try to be kind, you wouldn't want to hurt their feelings by ignoring them. It's women like you that make men afraid to even talk to women in case they are accused of being creepy.

Besides, nothing says receptive to conversations with random men quite like being a woman in public, reading a book and minding her own business, let's face it you were asking for it.

You'll miss the attention when you're older and men no longer notice you as an attractively packaged set of holes with the potential to service their penis.

(Sarcasm alert for anyone who missed it)

I attract these weirdos too. I think some of it comes down to whether you look like you'll stick up for yourself. At the point I attracted most of them I was very quiet, looked like I wouldn't tell them to fuck off and would take whatever letchy bullshit they were going to pull just so I was less likely to be attacked or sexually harassed. Now I'm pushing 40, have a don't piss me off face and overweight I don't get harassed as much, funny that.

My mum used to attract these weirdos when we were small and for her it was usually much older men, knowing that she was unlikely to throw up a fuss in front of 2 small kids and instead indulge whatever they wanted to talk about while they letched over her.

Thats a bit victim blamey

I mean you are right when you say you don't owe anybody a dialogue

But the 'I feel like you attract what energy you project' is verging on blaming the OP for a mans actions. How do you 'stand taller' when sitting on a bench reading a book?

And no telling someone to fuck off is not ott and ridiculous. They are just words.

I get it.

Men won't experience creepy guys coming up to them randomly like this, so they have no means of understanding that it exists.

So that guy commenting on here is right from his perspective, just a bit sad that he feels entitled to comment as if his personal experience is universal.

OP came on here to see if she was alone in experiencing it, or whether other women got it too. Not to slag off men in general. I'd say we all get it, especially as a young woman. It sadly feels as though any young woman is seen as fair game by a certain subset of men.

That doesn't mean I don't like talking to random people in public, I do. I love it when some random person starts chatting to me, male or female. However, women do develop a radar for people, usually men, behaving oddly, and experience has sadly taught me not to ignore those signals.

I've been flashed at more times than I care to remember, and my daughters have had the most unspeakable things said to them. I can understand women who just prefer not to take any risks with itby not engaging.

I'm very confident but no-one is bulletproof. I have found the kindness of strangers including men to be incredible when I'm in trouble. But there is still a minority of weirdos.

Exactly men need to stop doing it

regarding my ear post I just shake my head if anyone gestures to me in that situation or I mouth ‘I’m busy’ I never take it out.

Ok. Lets go with what you are saying. Its another thread about men being crap.

Have you ever stopped to think WHY thats the case?
Or exam why women feel fearful and intimidated by certain behaviour from men?
And if you haven't, have you considered how men might unwittingly engage in such behaviour not realising they are behaving in a manner that concerns women?

You cannot get away from the sheer prevailence of abuse and violence towards women from men as part of this.

Whether women are reasonable or not in their response, deliberately misses the point. It's based on experiences and genuine statistical risk.

Minimising or dismissing what women say without analysing what and why they are saying it, isn't ok.

Oh absolutely.

I'm 5'2" and v petite. I get it a lot even in my 40s.

You can be minding your own business doing anything and someone butts in.

Its often intrusive and not just making conversation.

Its extremely difficult to get out of. Being rude often isn't an option because you don't know how someone will react to that. Its more a question of 'how can I make my excuses and exit the situation'. This means that you end up self limiting your own behaviour and freedom if you are able to exit because someone else is unable to read body language which says 'this is not an appropriate situation to approach me'. If you are not able to exit its extremely difficult...

DH didn't realise how much differently I'm treated in life compared to him. When I started to point it out, he started to notice little things. From both men and women. We are assessed based on physical appearance in various ways.

I get poorer service for just about everything compared to him. Not because I do anything wrong or differently. But because he's a big dude and people don't want to deal with him complaining - cos thats the expectation; he will complain. I am perceive as a doormat who won't complain, therefore I'm fair game.

It affects everything.

Creepy weirdos don't do the same to everyone. There is a reason for this.

And have you ever, after asking someone politely to leave you alone, been told that you're a fucking bitch, or that you're fat and ugly anyway, or that if they wanted to, they could rape you there and then? I bet the answer is no. Most women are cautious at the very least about politely asking men to leave them alone, because we don't know for sure what the reaction will be.

Exactly, I would believe that it’s ‘loneliness, just wanting a chat’ if they also did it to big blokes and groups rather than exclusively lone females.

for me the worst is when they sit next to you, blocking you in, for long public transport journeys. I pretend I’m getting off at the next stop if it’s a train, then re-board into a different carriage. But you can’t do that with a bus/coach. I’ve had men talk at me (and like I said it’s rarely truly reciprocal) for hours in such circumstances. It’s mind numbing and spoils your peace.

And yes it’s horrible if you have a baby with you. I remember pushing Dd in the pram and some weird bloke following me through the town centre shouting abuse at me. Something to do with the council not housing him, but he seemed to think I was the person responsible for this. it was really frightening and made DD cry.

98% of sexual crimes are committed by men (ONS statistics)

So not only creepy but dangerous.

OP just walk away. Or if you are in a cafe for example say "No, please move away" loudly.

Creepy men rely on our socialised niceness, so I've always taken the embarrass them route if it's safe to do so.

Yes, public transport is awful. I never use it anymore

As a male, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about mate. As a male you will never experience being intimidated, sexually harassed and feeling like you have to be polite to dickheads for your own safety. Jog on.

As a single dad and a male, you are talking rubbish.

Oh, you're so naive! Do you also, as a single dad and a male, get followed around the streets, or have random women lurch up to you and tell you to smile when you are minding your own business, preoccupied, or grieving; do you have lecherous men 'just being friendly' to you then touching you up, do you get called a bitch if you don't cooperate with these friendly strangers, do these friendly strangers rape and bash you, no...

My mum used to attract these weirdos when we were small and for her it was usually much older men, knowing that she was unlikely to throw up a fuss in front of 2 small kids and instead indulge whatever they wanted to talk about while they letched over her.

Oh gosh that just unlocked lots of memories for me! Yeah, when my mum was young I remember her getting chatted up/bothered all the time when she had us kids with her. Followed too actually. I do remover feeling anxious about it, being very small.
OP, you are young and slim and therefore they see you as unthreatening. It used to happen to me a bit but not as much as my friend who was smaller, slimmer and more natural looking than than me. I was always a big hair, big attitude type and probably looked like I might be more trouble than I was worth. Thats not at all victim blaming -these sad losers go for the ones they think won’t make a fuss.
It does get better as you get older. For now just cultivate a steely stare and a curled lip and don’t engage.

Don’t apologise ask them to leave you alone

I found it hard to be direct as it’s not in my nature, many women have been conditioned to not cause a fuss try not to offend but we shouldn’t be worried about offending them. I soon got used to it being more direct and not caring how I may come across

Many men (and it is many) feel women are there for their own entertainment.

some women/girls are or appear to be more vulnerable than others this is something predatory men often pick up on unfortunately (obviously all girls are vulnerable)

Sounds very british.

You probably look approachable and friendly. Some people are lonely. You say you're plain, so presumably these "creepy" men don't fancy you

You think only very attractive women are approached and harassed by men?? I’m assuming your a man to actually believe that. I get far more men trying to talk to me with no make up on than when I actually look good, I don’t know why that is, maybe they think they have more of a chance the worse I look.

I mean I am British, if thats your point. I mean I'm mixed race so there are plenty who would consider me not British to be fair, but I am British so I am speaking from a British experience yes.

But otherwise I'm not sure what point you are making here?

I dont think its a male thing or that your attract them

I think there are many odd people in the world in general (both men and woman)
its like mosquitos - they can be everywhere and bite everyone but only stick and continue to suck the blood of people who are not aware of them or wearing adeqeute amounts of repellent

We have all felt lonely at times

funny how all these lonely men don’t strike up conversations with other lonely men 🙄

I dont think its a male thing or that your attract them

When 99.99% of the unwanted attentions a women, teenager girl, or child experience over the course of their lives are from men, I think it is a male thing.

If you don't experience this, then you are probably not attracting them, and so are unaware that some of us do attract this sort of attention throughout our lives.

@girlmom21 Having a 'don't you dare mess with me' veneer isn't aggression. I think you know that, but of course it's easier to tell a woman who isn't immediately amenable that she's aggressive and to simply be kind.

You think over 40 is some kind of cloak of invisibility? I’m 68 and still get random blokes thinking I want to chat to them - I help out in the bar my daughter runs and get inappropriate comments, often from guys young enough to be my grandson! This is not a stealth boast, it’s said with some despair.