To think I'm a creepy man magnet

[Shadowmallow]

It doesn't matter where I go, whenever I'm alone, I seem to get weird men (often middle aged) coming over to talk to me/cornering me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate it and dread being approached. I'm 35, very plain looking, size 10. Day to day I wear jeans and t shirts/midi skirts and t shirts, very casual. Nothing remotely attention grabbing about me.

I'm currently at a large park, enjoying the sun, reading a book. There are plenty of empty benches everywhere, but of course some creepy guy comes and sits right next to me on a bench and starts asking me what I'm up to, how's my book, with a creepy smirk on his face. A couple of weeks ago I was sitting outside a coffee shop reading and a man decided to come and sit and my table without asking, started talking AT me, and said he liked my trainers - he wasn't even a customer of the coffee place. I had to tell him sorry but I've come here to read my book so not really up for chatting today. This has been happening all my life - is it just me or do all women get this?

Also I can't work out their intentions - do they just want to chat, or actually make women feel intimidated?

Woman1: I find it creepy when strange men approach me
Man: you shouldn't find it creepy because it happens to me too
Woman2: yes but when it happened to women we are more scared because X, Y and Z
Man: I don't care if my actions scare you, I'm going to ignore that and carry on doing what I want

And there with just one man is a prime example of why men think its okay to take your time and attention even when the interaction is clearly unwanted and unappreciated

Excellent work there that man, thanks for proving the point

Oh look another feminist telling allen how they think and act, pathetic.

I have no issue with people talking to me no matter what their gender and then again I'm not the one sticking Ng pointless labels on the opposite sex 😂

Good for you being ok with it. Excellent, you do you. But don't you dare tell any woman she should simply accept this behaviour when she isn't ok with it. I'm not the one telling others how to think and act, evidently.

Also, if NAMALT, please share a fool proof way of how we can tell if a man is a bad guy, so that we can engage with the good ones.

I mean to be fair the good ones are probably the guys not sitting down on park benches trying to force women reading books to speak to them.

Maybe that should be a question on dating apps so women know which idiots to avoid

God yeah, I've had this happen so many times. Earlier this summer I was having my lunch at my local park (I regularly do this as I live in a tiny flat and don't have a garden) and was listening to a podcast, when a guy told me to take my earbuds out and asked me why a young woman like me was all alone at the park on such a nice day? Was I lonely? Before trying to recruit me to his niche church. Predatory cult vibes.

Okay to be fair I've never had anyone try to recruit me to a cult, that's a special level of creepy!

But yep the headphone gesture really pisses me off. I wouldn't mind if every once in awhile it was someone wanting directions, or asking if I had seen their missing dog or something. But no its always some wanker who thinks their need to speak is more important than anything I might be doing with my life at that moment in time

I get this. If I have my dog with me, I get questioned and talked at about dog train8g, and German shepherds. Which sometimes draws me in, but thankfully ,y dog doesn't like men so I move along with the excuse that I must keep walking him. Also, bizarrely, a lot of men talking to me about their workout routines, apparently I look like a personal trainer. They expect me to plan their gym routines for the,pm. I am not a pt. Cars stopping, and men attempting to talk to me from their cars. I've been blocked in while driving by men, who then force me to talk to them.
I never feel safe, unless I have my large dog with me, who now hates all men

I keep trying to speak about what I call 'forced interaction' with people I know. This is what I mean - it's not overt sexual harassment though I'm fearful it turns into that. Men do it constantly to women. It can be as subtle as insisting they hold a door open for you even though you're still a few yards away to force an interaction with you. Men seem clueless in how nuanced all this is and why some men and most women are not threatening at all yet lots of men are.

If I want leaving alone I politely ask it's nice if you've always experienced people listening to your polite request and then them leaving you alone. It's actually pretty terrifying if you get followed by a man who won't take a polite 'no' you don't want to give him your phone number or no you're not 'looking for business' (on your way walking to work at 8am in the morning dressed in office attire) as an answer. I by no stretch of the imagination hate men and do have a decent (male) partner, but I would say quite a notable percentage of my interactions with men in my teens and 20s were pretty shit and fairly predatory.

With all due respect, do you work in any research and development projects, ? Any branches of security services, ? Or military etc, ? These could all be attempts or at.least some, of building a rapport with you to gain trust, friendship etc ?

Or yes, the individuals could be random.

OP "Also I can't work out their intentions - do they just want to chat, or actually make women feel intimidated?"

Intimidated, but that's also want these types want from a girlfriend, someone they can intimidate.

Or they are using you as a practising tool for their next target.

Hawkins "With all due respect, do you work in any research and development projects, ? Any branches of security services, ? Or military etc, ? These could all be attempts or at.least some, of building a rapport with you to gain trust, friendship etc ?"

but why can't they just leave us alone? Why approach lone women strangers?

I feel like you attract what energy you project. So it might be time to learn to stand taller and more self assured and send out big dick energy :)

And you dont have to tell the guys to FUCK OFF like some pp said cuz that is just ott and rediculous. But telling someone your are not interested in listening and ENDING the conversation right then and there is fine. You dont owe anybody a dialogue.

Stick up for yourself. These men will dissapear

This sort of behaviour and worse from men started for me at the age of 10. I do not miss it. It was never 'friendly'.

YANBU - at a lunch outing to meet up with friends after the birth of DD1, I was accosted by a man with his group of friends as I wheeled her in her pram to the bathroom to change her. It was very odd, eerie and very unsettling. No one is off limits it would seem.

@Solokidydad and this right here is one of the privileges you experience as a man. When men turn unsolicited advances down its annoying sure, when women turn unsolicited advances down it can turn violent which is why when a random man approaches a single woman sitting alone it comes across as threatening regardless of their intent because women have grown up to learn that they need to be cautious. It's like when I moved in with my husband and we went for a walk one night and on our way back he just went to cut down one of the alleys near us without thinking about it but I would never do that because to me that is unsafe- something he'd never thought about before. Same as why when you're walking behind a woman who's alone you should cross the street out of respect incase you're intimidating her without even realising. Don't dismiss op because you get to have a different lived experience.

I now have a 'don't you dare mess with me' veneer.

These men mess with you as they sense you won't tell them to F off.

@KatherineJaneway I need to learn this for random men and chuggers.

This thread reminded me of the time a man stopped me whilst I was on the phone to ask if we could be friends and when I gave him a confused look and carried on with my call called me a fat cow and followed me until I walked into a Tesco and spoke to the security guard and he gave up. But yeah obviously he was a nice guy.

You don't need to be aggressive to men just wanting to talk. You can tell them you're not interested if you make a pass.

If men are instantly aggressive they get ripped apart and called all sorts. If we're constantly aggressive to men they'll be aggressive too. Your act isn't helping anyone.

To address your concern about being a creep magnet. It's male entitlement. You are an approachable and attractive woman, so therefore they are entitled to your time and attention. They have wrong thinking. They are not entitled to anything from you. Ignore them and walk away, if you need to. It does mean you can't relax outdoors and that is very sad.
Regarding the misogynistic comments, this has been happening more frequently in recent months. There seems to be an organised misogynistic group targeting women on Mumsnet. They appear to derail the thread to gain attention.

@girlmom21

Men are aggressive.
The end.
It diesn’t matter what women do or don’t do or how women behave or don’t behave.
Men are just aggressive.
Women are not responsible of men's behaviour.

It's wrong, you should object every time. Whilst of little consolation and not in any way justifying the behaviour you describe, I bet once you are over 40 you will get less of this.

@girlmom21 that is not my experience at all. Men can get aggressive in a flash and there is no way to tell which ones will and which ones won’t. People may call them out online but in public most people just walk on by for their own safety.

It's not even about aggression, Girlmom. It's the underlying assumption that a woman sat alone should indulge the desire of a random to chat.

I don't want to. I don't want to take the time to politely send them on their way. I want to be left alone.

If I want to talk to someone, I'll look around and make eye contact, smile at someone. Look at them warmly as they approach.
If I'm looking in my bag, at my phone, at the table or the view, I'm not interested in chatting with you. It's basic body language.

Perhaps they have never needed to read basic body language, so aren't good at it.

Oh look, the menz have arrived to deny a woman’s lived experience. Quelle surprise 🙄