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To put TTC on hold at 39?
99

BeeQuiet · 06/08/2022 07:55

I’m approaching 39 and my baby is approaching one. I’d like to start TTC again shortly for the best chance of a sibling as I realize it may not be easy and that time is not on our side.

My therapist is against this idea though and thinks it’s too soon as I didn’t have the easiest time postnatally, my baby is quite a handful in various ways and two close in age would be hard. I’ve told her I agree that a small gap is not my ideal either but I fear I’m too old to wait any longer now. She says she has worked with women who have conceived up to the age of 44 and that there is really no hurry.

I’d like to at least start taking prenatal vitamins but she says that, whilst she does understand the need to plan, she wouldn’t even think about it right now.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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CRbear · 06/08/2022 07:57

It’s absolutely not her business. She’s not a medical doctor presumably and her anecdotal evidence won’t give you comfort if you don’t conceive. This has to be your decision (with your partner if applicable) alone!

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Immaterialatthispoint · 06/08/2022 07:57

How much do you want another baby? I assume your Mental health must have been pretty poor for your therapist to be asking you to wait. I suppose it depends if you want to risk your mental health again especially with a young child so soon, or if you want to risk not conceiving naturally again.

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/08/2022 07:58

Have you/she factored in how you might feel if you’re unable to have another baby?

I know someone who had babies at 49 and 51 recently. That has no bearing on whether you will be safe to wait.

You have a responsibility to your existing child to try to stay well. How likely is a pregnancy now or in the future to compromise that?

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RodiganReed · 06/08/2022 08:01

She's overstepping the mark advising you on physical health/ fertility.

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Lostmyway86 · 06/08/2022 08:05

15 months between my two. I was pregnant when my eldest was 7 months. Definitely not ideal and my second was a lockdown baby so very tough. My first was a high needs baby and I struggled postnatally too. I was terrified about having two so young, but actually having a newborn a second time was so much easier. You're not as shell shocked and know what you're doing. Helped my second was a dream baby too! Of course the first 12 months are hard-core, but I think it would be even if you had a slightly larger age gap. Mine are 21 months and just turned 3 now and although they bicker they've started to play together and are a little team. Lots of my NCT friends from DD1 are having their second now and I'm so relieved I got it all out the way! I don't think having a newborn with a 3 year old would be any easier to be honest. DD1 was too young to really understand so there was no jealousy and she doesn't remember a time before her sister. If you want a second definitely, I wouldn't wait personally.

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Bodice · 06/08/2022 08:07

Not her place at all to tell you there is no hurry. Medically yes there is a hurry and her anecdotal evidence counts for nothing. I am quite annoyed a therapist has said that to you. You have to do what is best for you and not saying you should start TTC and that she doesn’t have a point about you being in the right place mentally. But yes from a statistics point of view the sooner the better.

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Frazzled2207 · 06/08/2022 08:08

Agree she should butt out.
i was slightly younger but struggled ttc#1. However ttc#2 was no trouble at all and I was flabbergasted to be pg just after ds1’s first birthday. So my two are just 21 months apart. Yes it was tough but it’s great now (7 and nearly 9) and I wouldn’t change a thing.

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passport123 · 06/08/2022 08:09

Your therapist is an idiot. If you want another baby you need to get a move on.

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Whataretheodds · 06/08/2022 08:10

How difficult a time are we talking? Were you or the baby at risk?

Any chance of speaking to your midwife or GP to get their thoughts?

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Sweatinglikeabitch · 06/08/2022 08:10

I think the priority should be you being mentally well enough to car enforcement the child you have. Not supplying a sibling. If you were really that unwell then trying for another seems like a very irresponsible thing to do.

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diamondpony80 · 06/08/2022 08:11

Does she know what your ovarian reserve is like at the age of 39? Mine was already significantly lower than average at 34. Such a small age gap is not ideal of course, but this is the situation you're in. If you know want another child I really wouldn't wait. Yes, you might be able to have a child at 45, but without fertility testing you don't know that.

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KeepingUpWithTheKs · 06/08/2022 08:12

I think its hard for us to make comment when we dont know the inns and outs of the difficulties and really as your therapist will have quite deep knowledge I feel as though she is just looking out for your mental health.

My mum conceived by surprise at 45 so you are not necessarily running out of time. However, it is important that you put yourself first.

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LittleHeapOfBooks · 06/08/2022 08:22

If you fell pregnant now it would be a 19 month age gap. It is close in age but I wouldn't say very close in age. (I would consider 15 months and under to be a very close in age). At 19 months they are a proper toddler.
Your fertility has been declining for quite a few years, I wouldn't wait if you want another.
Many women younger than you struggle due to age, it is irrelevant she knows some 40 year olds have conceived naturally. You certainly don't have plenty of time. If your mental health is very poor to the extent she doesn't think it's a good idea then she should say you should focus on you first. Get a new therapist.

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girlmom21 · 06/08/2022 08:22

It's absolutely not her business to tell you you shouldn't TTC!
At most she should be helping you consider how and whether you'll manage with certain situations.

I wouldn't put off TTC because one woman she knows conceived at 44. That's crazy.

But I would consider very strongly whether your MH wouldn't handle a second.

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Alfenstein · 06/08/2022 08:24

I disagree with PP that it's none of her business

You are in therapy and have disclosed wanting to do something that will most likely impact your mental health and cause you more stress and potential trauma.

Of course that's her place to say 'maybe wait'

But unfortunately you're not at an age where maybe waiting is a good idea

Tbh even at 39 it's a push so if you want another baby you will need to start TTC earlier.

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arrogantorwhat37 · 06/08/2022 08:25

Your therapist is acting unprofessionally. S/he is not qualified to pass judgement or advice of medical issues
Talk to an obstetrician for advice on a second child - please!

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VestaTilley · 06/08/2022 08:26

I have a different take - I had PND, and it’s no joke. There is no way I’d have thrown another baby in to the mix when my first was only 1.

Only you know how much you want a second child, but if you had severe PND or are still in recovery I would wait. For everyone lambasting the therapist, I’d be inclined to listen - in her career she’ll have seen hundreds of women broken by PND; she’s not wrong to advise caution.

My DS is 3 now, and I’m still not ready for another one.

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JMKid · 06/08/2022 08:27

There clearly is a reason she is saying it, I'm assuming the reason for seeking therapy is postnatal related and she feels that you have not overcome current issues and having another baby so soon will make it all worse for you.

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VestaTilley · 06/08/2022 08:27

@arrogantorwhat37 an obstetrician isn’t best placed to advise on mental health in pregnancy! A psychiatrist or a member of the peri natal mental health team is.

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Alfenstein · 06/08/2022 08:36

arrogantorwhat37 · 06/08/2022 08:25

Your therapist is acting unprofessionally. S/he is not qualified to pass judgement or advice of medical issues
Talk to an obstetrician for advice on a second child - please!

But they're damn well qualified to comment on the OPs mental health which seems to have deteriorated after having a child

A therapist wouldn't say crack on if an alcoholic patient was planning a tequila night.

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TailSpinner · 06/08/2022 08:39

Your therapist is well meaning I’m sure but she sounds extremely ignorant of how fertility works. There’s a good chance that you won’t conceive easily in your forties, and on top of that you have an increased chance in miscarriage, pregnancy complications and health issues for your baby - all of those would not be good for your mental health either. These are things that need to be weighed up carefully and I don’t believe your therapist has considered any of that. Saying another woman she knows had a baby at 44 is not helpful at all. I’m not saying she’s wrong in pointing out that having another baby now would negatively impact your mental health - but she can’t just back that up by placating you with exaggerated ideas of easily conceiving in your forties, I just think it’s unprofessional. I think you should talk to a fertility specialist for a more accurate picture so you have a balanced argument on which to make a decision. The decision is ultimately yours, no one make if for you - you just need the right information to go on.

Do you really want another baby for yourself? Or do you want a sibling for your first? Because there’s nothing wrong with just having one.

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arrogantorwhat37 · 06/08/2022 08:44

VestaTilley · 06/08/2022 08:27

@arrogantorwhat37 an obstetrician isn’t best placed to advise on mental health in pregnancy! A psychiatrist or a member of the peri natal mental health team is.

Correct, although would have psychiatric training and access to psychiatrist to consult with about peri-natal MH issues a patient may have.
My point is, the therapist is not medically qualified, and does not deal with MH issues in the same way a psychiatrist does. So, for a therapist to be gaily throwing around comments relating to concieving/having a baby at an age where pregnancy is riskier, is dangerous.
@Alfenstein @VestaTilley

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BeeQuiet · 06/08/2022 08:45

Thanks for the responses.

I’m not talking about a situation where either of us was at risk, no. I’ve never had any NHS involvement. I did once ring the health visitor but she wasn’t able to offer me anything so this is a private therapist.

I was planning to take three months of prenatal vitamins from DD’s first birthday, so the age gap would be at least two years by then.

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Sometimeswinning · 06/08/2022 08:46

Has anyone considered the therapist may have a far better insight to how the op may cope and that is why they are suggesting to wait?

Just an idea!

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arrogantorwhat37 · 06/08/2022 08:50

Sometimeswinning · 06/08/2022 08:46

Has anyone considered the therapist may have a far better insight to how the op may cope and that is why they are suggesting to wait?

Just an idea!

that's as maybe, but therapist is not qualified to provide medical comment about conceiving at 44, etc

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