To put TTC on hold at 39?

[BeeQuiet]

I’m approaching 39 and my baby is approaching one. I’d like to start TTC again shortly for the best chance of a sibling as I realize it may not be easy and that time is not on our side.

My therapist is against this idea though and thinks it’s too soon as I didn’t have the easiest time postnatally, my baby is quite a handful in various ways and two close in age would be hard. I’ve told her I agree that a small gap is not my ideal either but I fear I’m too old to wait any longer now. She says she has worked with women who have conceived up to the age of 44 and that there is really no hurry.

I’d like to at least start taking prenatal vitamins but she says that, whilst she does understand the need to plan, she wouldn’t even think about it right now.

Your therapist is an idiot. Fertility declines rapidly after 35 and precipitously after 40. That’s just a fact, even if your therapist knows several women who had late babies. They are notable because they are unusual. People will also tell you about Uncle Fred who smoked and lived until he was ninety. Doesn’t make it safe, or a good idea to take up smoking.

If having a second child is very important to you, you should not be waiting for your DD’s birthday or 3 months vitamins. You should be getting on with it now.

The voting is confusing so pay no attention to the poll. Don’t put off FTC if a second baby is important to you.

Time for a change of therapist.

I had low ovarian reserve at 34, so no way would i be waiting if I were you. Getting pregnant early forties is a lottery and just because x down the road managed it does not mean you will too.

I wouldn’t wait it’s risky as might be too late then would you regret not Ttc
it may take a while anyway and you can carry on your therapy whilst pregnant
obviously it’s your decision and you should not listen to others but do what you think is the right thing to do! Decide if you can manage a small age gap, if you have any support if you need it
and if you’d regret not going ahead!

Many therapists are a bit rubbish tbh, and anyone can set themselves up as one. Even with training they can be a bit rubbish and there’s no quality control or checks as balances as there are with medical professionals or nHS staff.

Fertility does decline from 40 onwards.

OP this is a judgement for you of how much you want a second child and how far you feel able to cope with what that will mean.

I think the question you need to ask yourself is are you capable of taking care of a toddler and a difficult baby (if it comes to it) because nothing guarantees that new baby will be easy going. If you're physically and mentally prepared for it, go for it.

My delivery and post natal time with dc1 has many similarities with what you've posted here. I had different professionals questioning whether I should have another baby. I went ahead (bigger gap than you though). Dc2 has been the most therapeutic gorgeous thing that's happened to all of us. My midwife was exceptionally supportive throughout and second delivery was very different. I knew knew knew that I wanted another child. It wasn't a question of if but when. I had a short course of counselling with a lovely person in the weeks leading up to delivery of dc2. Wishing you the best with your decision

I think you're in tricky place OP. Only you know how you & your dh would cope with a demanding toddler & a potentalially demanding baby.
But..if you both want this then my advice is start sooner rather than later. I had first dc at 36. Got pregnant first month we started trying, text book pregnancy, all wonderful.
At dc's 2nd birthday when I was 38 we started trying for no 2.
7 long years of secondary infertility, unsuccessful invasive medical treatments ( IUI / IVF) our savings decimated, our hearts broken..At 44, having given up hope I miraculously fell pregnant spontaneously & we were plunged back into that world & our hopes soared again. I had a traumatic missed misscariage at 12 weeks.
That was the end for us. It took us a long time to get over it all.
There are no guarantees at all. My friend had her 1st at 40 & second at 42 - no issues.
You need to decide & only you & your dh can do that.
Good luck OP

@TestingTestingWonTooFree Surely the person who got pregnant at 49 and 51 used an egg donor (whether they were open about it or not?).

I would be very happy to take that route. Maybe I should look into it…

@PraiseBee and @UniBallEye thanks for sharing your stories. The possibility of both your scenarios has occurred me.

Much love to you @UniBallEye.

Hi, just read your latest post and it's a shame your therapist reacted the way she did.

I am planner - if something goes wrong I think about what to do next what would I do differently next time etc.

Ie Breastfeeding was tough - but next time I know how and when to get help and if it doesn't work I have other options - does that make sense?

I get really annoyed when I hear people flippantly quote people still have babies at 44. Yes some do but there are so much more risks.

I had my first at 38 and then a year later we tried again. Got pregnancy at 39, lost baby at 40. Took 6 months to get pregnant again. Lost baby. Got pregnant again and was blessed with an amazing son. So in my view it isn't easy.

@BeeQuiet

I see what you mean, sorry read it the wrong way.

It's really up to you - you know how difficult it was the first time and if you're ready for round two that's your and your partner's decision.

My first sounds a lot like your experience with your first. Tongue tie, mastitis, low milk supply, awake every 45 minutes through the night for months. I had a much harder time than any of my fellow parents.

I had another baby (admittedly I did wait longer because of the apprehension!) and she was completely different - settled and very easy. Now pregnant with DC3.

Ultimately a therapist is supposed to help you through your life, not tell you what to do. I've had times when I was practically begging my therapist to tell me what to do, and she would redirect me back to the fact that that wasn't her role.

I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a therapist who tried to tell me what to do or judged my decisions. What's going to happen, she'll tell you off if you conceive?

Tbh even at 39 I'd be considering a donor

Egg quality is often very poor at that age

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I think my therapist just really hasn’t appreciated the realities of declining fertility and TTC at a later age. This is very frustrating as she’s been great in other ways (obviously, or I wouldn’t have stuck with her so long). I guess her own children were all conceived very easily when she was relatively young and she just doesn’t get it. DD took 8 months to with an early loss along the way, so I’m more realistic.

Our conversation basically went like this…

Me: I’m planning to start prenatal vitamins once DD is one, so we can start trying for a second baby.

Her: You don’t need to be thinking about that right now. It’s very soon.

Me: Yes I do. I am coming up for 39. If we’re going to have a second - which has always been our plan - we need to be getting a move on.

Her: You’ve still got time. I’ve had clients conceive as late as 44. Why don’t you wait and see?

Me: It’s advised that you take the vitamins for three months, so I’d like to start now to at least keep trying as an option then.

Her: Well… I understand you have to plan. But honestly, I wouldn’t even be thinking about it right now.

Me: I’m planning to start prenatal vitamins once DD is one, so we can start trying for a second baby.

Her: You don’t need to be thinking about that right now. It’s very soon.

Me: Yes I do. I am coming up for 39. If we’re going to have a second - which has always been our plan - we need to be getting a move on.

Her: You’ve still got time. I’ve had clients conceive as late as 44. Why don’t you wait and see?

Me: It’s advised that you take the vitamins for three months, so I’d like to start now to at least keep trying as an option then.

Her: Well… I understand you have to plan. But honestly, I wouldn’t even be thinking about it right now.

Wow. I know you are saying she’s a good therapist but she is massively overstepping the mark if that’s seriously how the conversation went. She basically just shut you down, it is not her place. Sounds like you’re talking to a controlling and dismissive family member or something! I really recommend you ditch this therapist, she is not acting professionally.

Indeed. Egg donation isn’t usually a first step though. It’s still worth trying with your own eggs initially at this age, as lots still do get there if they persist.

By 45+ it’s obviously a different story.

@BeanieTeen You’re right that she’s not allowing the discussion to go anywhere at all.

She’s not even giving an indication of what time-frame she would consider it reasonable to be thinking about this. 6 months? A year? 5 years? It’s like she’s hoping I’ll change my mind/forget about this completely.

Nor will she say how she thinks I can productively use that time (other than of course to focus on being the very best mother I can possibly be to DD).

I guess she’s somewhat disbelieving that, having supported me through this rough first year, I’d actively choose to put myself potentially back at the beginning of it again. Like an addict coming out of rehab and instantly relapsing or someone who’s just had a triple heart bypass for a smoking-related condition taking out a pack of fags again. Having a second child surely isn’t comparable to this though?!

Advice in the UK to couples where the woman is under 40 is to try naturally for six months before pursuing any form of treatment (unless there are known problems of course), I believe? Please correct me anyone if I am wrong.

If we were to approach a reputable clinic and say we’d like to go straight to egg donation, I don’t imagine we’d be taken very seriously? Donor eggs are in limited supply so it seems only right for them to go to those who truly need them. Some women of 39 and older conceive healthy babies very quickly.

She’s not even giving an indication of what time-frame she would consider it reasonable to be thinking about this. 6 months? A year? 5 years? It’s like she’s hoping I’ll change my mind/forget about this completely

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there.

I just don’t have a good feeling about this person at all from what you’ve described. I’m not dismissing what you’ve been through, but I think going straight to this person instead of going through the NHS to get a proper diagnosis (easier said than done I know! I’m sorry your HV didn’t offer you support, it sounds like you were really let down there) maybe wasn’t the most helpful course of action. I’m even wondering (again I don’t want to minimise what you’ve been though, I’m sorry if this is out of line) whether your PND was as severe as you now think or if this therapist has been fuelling that notion instead of helping you recover adequately. Her being hell bent on convincing you that you can’t cope with another pregnancy without hearing you out properly is just odd to me.
This person sounds a bit big for their boots, is making good money by making you feel like you can’t cope and is possibly enjoying their superior position of the ‘saviour’ and being in control over you just a little too much.

Sorry but your therapist has NO idea as to whether you “have time” or not. Most people do not have babies at 44 or even beyond 42/42 I’d suggest and unless she knows your ovarian reserve, she can’t possibly tell you (even then - a good ovarian reserve is no indicator that the eggs are good quality and there is no test for that other than age).

What age do you suggest women start using donor eggs? Plenty of women have healthy first pregnancies in their late 30s.

@girlmom21 when egg quality starts to decline

Which is 32 onwards, from 37 there are serious issues.

Women who are 45 can have a perfectly healthy baby, many don't though

The minority aren't the rule

@BeanieTeen When I spoke to the health visitor early on she said that the threshold for getting short-term postnatal support was very high and that because I was basically functional and getting through the day (although it was bloody hard), I wouldn’t qualify. She said there was always the option to self-refer to IAPT but to be aware that there were very long waits. GP effectively said the same. Because we were not long out of Lockdown 3 and still emerging from restrictions with national mental health not exactly at its best, I wasn’t surprised and hadn’t expected much.

As we were fortunate enough to have the funds to look for a therapist privately, I decided to pursue that route instead. Even that wasn’t easy though. I spent ages ringing round people from the BACP website. Lots were absolutely chock-a-block with no availability anytime soon. The few who did have availability mostly had red flags. Then I found this one who seemed like a godsend at first and admittedly wasn’t from the BACP. Now I’m starting to think that maybe there is something in what you say as she still often portrays things as being really bad when - actually - I’m not sure they are anymore. Yes DD is high-needs but is that so very unusual? Plenty of people who had difficult starts to parenthood and have high-needs children go on to have more.

I’ve never had a diagnosis of PND by the way. It’s more like we just had a lot of bad luck early on.

@BeeQuiet that advice is based on fertility not egg quality