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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put TTC on hold at 39?

99 replies

BeeQuiet · 06/08/2022 07:55

I’m approaching 39 and my baby is approaching one. I’d like to start TTC again shortly for the best chance of a sibling as I realize it may not be easy and that time is not on our side.

My therapist is against this idea though and thinks it’s too soon as I didn’t have the easiest time postnatally, my baby is quite a handful in various ways and two close in age would be hard. I’ve told her I agree that a small gap is not my ideal either but I fear I’m too old to wait any longer now. She says she has worked with women who have conceived up to the age of 44 and that there is really no hurry.

I’d like to at least start taking prenatal vitamins but she says that, whilst she does understand the need to plan, she wouldn’t even think about it right now.

OP posts:

cherrypiepie · 06/08/2022 08:58

Therapists are not always right and they do not always have the answer. I dont like they way they present a range of reasons why you shouldn't but not balance it with a range of why you should

I'd crack on. You'd be younger, the overall period of post /peri- natal MH symptoms would be shorter. The baby years would be over sooner, the kids closer in age. As well as fertility. I'd not even wait until she was one of just start now. How would you feel next month if you found out you were expecting?

cherrypiepie · 06/08/2022 09:00

@Sometimeswinning but maybe they won't happen, and why can't they be dealt with as they arise, and it might just delay not coping!

berksandbeyond · 06/08/2022 09:00

None of you advising her to just have another baby think that maybe there's a bloody good reason why this ladies therapist, who presumably knows the situation much more than you, would recommend waiting?

cherrypiepie · 06/08/2022 09:06

@berksandbeyond lots of women have babies in less than ideal circumstances and the OP said that she didn't meet the threshold for NHS intervention with her mental health.

I speaks as a childless 43 year old after years off TTC multiple losses and failed IVF.

OP I think this is worth a conversation with a GP if you can or have one you trust.

At booking midwife appt you will be asked about you mental health. So be honest.

georgarina · 06/08/2022 09:08

Therapists categorically aren't supposed to advise you in this way. They're supposed to listen and help you analyse your feelings and reactions.

I'd be having a think about this therapist personally.

It is absolutely not her place to be 'against' your life plans.

berksandbeyond · 06/08/2022 09:10

@cherrypiepie of course they do, doesn't mean it's a good idea, a lot of people shouldn't have had their kids when they did but it's not a race to the bottom.

OP needs to think about why her therapist is recommending waiting, and if there's anything she can do to prepare herself for having a second.

Original poster

BeeQuiet · 06/08/2022 09:12

I feel like I’ve misrepresented myself here and that people are imagining we’re a family with a long history of social services involvement and/or that I was hospitalized with postpartum psychosis or something.

Definitely not the case. Although even if it was, I’m not sure of the ethics of telling someone not to procreate?

I’m finding it frustrating that she’s not even suggesting any concrete steps I can take to get ready to TTC at some point in the future but just telling me to forget the idea for now.

OP posts:

Ablababla · 06/08/2022 09:14

Is she otherwise a good therapist? Do you trust her judgement on other matters? While most are great not all are well qualified or sensible.

Itslookinggood · 06/08/2022 09:18

OP at 39 you don’t have time to waste. Your plan sounds sensible and a 2 year age gaps is normal.

unless your therapist has advised against TTC on grounds that it would seriously endanger your own MH /your baby, ie you had post partum psychosis/ended up in a mother and baby ward or similar, then she has overstepped/is talking out of her arse, depending on how charitable you want to be.

crack on with your plan. You definitely do not want regrets.

cherrypiepie · 06/08/2022 09:18

@BeeQuiet I think you are answering you own questions here. You are being rationale and looking at all the possibilities. Why don't you say to the therapist that IM ready to start to TTC can you help me with a short timeframe plan? I don't want to wait.

I wish you all the best. Be strong and confident in the decisions you make. I've always been very cautious to my Own detriment but the few risks I have taken (quitting my job) have always worked out in my favour. So it might even work out better than you could have hoped for.

Oblomov22 · 06/08/2022 09:22

How bad was your mental health, at its worst? How bad is it now? What problems are you expecting when dc2 arrives. With mn help and a decent thread, you could allay many future fears now. Because I wouldn't wait, at all!

InChocolateWeTrust · 06/08/2022 09:22

Your therapist is bonkers if not completely irresponsible to say plenty of people are conceiving as late as 44.

It's one thing for her to be clear it may not be the best choice for your mental health right now, but you need to be clear in making that choice that a delay at your age is quite likely to end up, in reality, as a choice not to have a second. That's fine if it's the right choice for you.

georgarina · 06/08/2022 09:24

I’m finding it frustrating that she’s not even suggesting any concrete steps I can take to get ready to TTC at some point in the future but just telling me to forget the idea for now.

She's not a fertility specialist or health professional. She doesn't have access to your medical records. She couldn't tell you what to do to get ready for TTC.

It's just not her place. I'm really sceptical of a therapist who thinks it's ok to step in like this, especially with something that could have major consequences for you.

Oblomov22 · 06/08/2022 09:27

Based on post 3. What is she doing in your sessions. Dealing with core issues? So she is actually preparing you mentally, for TTC. Why don't you tell her what you said in post 3, see what she says. Tell her you want to change the focus, to concrete steps, for getting you ready, to be able to TTC.

ChagSameachDoreen · 06/08/2022 09:29

Agree with previous posters about not discounting the therapist's input. Having a baby takes a psychological as well as physical toll, and the therapist is wise to advise caution.

There's such a knee jerk tendency nowadays to react somewhat aggressively to anyone who tells you something you might not want to hear.

MeenzAmRhoi · 06/08/2022 09:35

At the end of the day, it's your body and your choice.
Not saying this would be happen, but if you chose to wait because of your therapist then ran into problems / it never happened, you'd likely end up with major regrets.
I'm due my second and they will have a 2.5 year age gap, I would have wanted to wait a bit longer but DH has fertility issues and we were told not to wait too long or there might be nothing left to work with. We know it's going to be hard for the first year (or two) but we think it will be worth it in the end to have our two children. It was our decision to make and we went for it.

Shelby2010 · 06/08/2022 09:35

It’s disgraceful that the therapist is advising you - and advising you wrongly - about your fertility.

Any advice should surely be around getting to a strong place mentally & building support networks. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be able to work with her anymore.

I think your plan to start on vitamins & then start in a few months is sensible. How long did it take to conceive the first time? I would say that on average (at your age) it is likely to take longer the second time. And sadly there is a higher risk of miscarriage.

Best of luck!

GeekyThings · 06/08/2022 09:37

She's not a medical doctor, so her opinions on your likelihood of conceiving is a moot point; but obviously she's there to give advice on what she thinks in terms of your mental state and she's done that. She doesn't have to give you conception tips like how to prep for a baby, because as already said, she's not a medical doctor, and that's not what you're paying her for.

But it is just her opinion - you don't have to listen to her, it's your choice whether or not to have a baby.

Ponoka7 · 06/08/2022 09:44

Are you having fully open conversations with your partner? Is he onboard with stepping up if needed? Have you got family help? This time around you can be prepared. Ask your therapist why she thinks that you shouldn't even be thinking of it. Are there major issues that she's told you to focus on for now?

GrowBabyGrow · 06/08/2022 09:53

Counsellors aren’t meant to give advice or share their opinion it is very odd she has shared such strong thoughts instead of helping you to work out what it is that you feel is the right decision. Because of that I’m curious whether she literally said ‘I don’t think you should TTC now’ or if she asked you questions that you could have interpreted as her opinion, but also could have been her encouraging you to look at the decision from another perspective. If it’s the former,she’s really overstepping how a counsellor should interact with a client.

ultimately it is completely up to you and your partner what you do, taking prenatal vitamins won’t hurt. I hope you can establish a strong support network to help if you do have another baby.

BuffyFanForever · 06/08/2022 09:56

If you desperately want a sibling then start trying right now, your fertility will be in quick decline if you are like the majority of women. Can a Very small percentage of women conceive into their 40s yes but this is not the case for most women. If you are happy to have your one child and feel you can give them everything and love your life as it is with one then put it off but with the knowledge that another child later may not join your family. I have 1 year old and all toddlers are hard work! Best of luck!

billy1966 · 06/08/2022 10:05

Change therapists.

She hasn't a breeze about fertility and it is not her place to be forcing her view of it on you.

Best of luck.

Riggle · 06/08/2022 10:12

What are the therapists qualifications? Are they accredited with a professional body? This would make me question any ‘advice’ they have provided to date.

Original poster

BeeQuiet · 06/08/2022 10:13

georgarina · 06/08/2022 09:24

I’m finding it frustrating that she’s not even suggesting any concrete steps I can take to get ready to TTC at some point in the future but just telling me to forget the idea for now.

She's not a fertility specialist or health professional. She doesn't have access to your medical records. She couldn't tell you what to do to get ready for TTC.

It's just not her place. I'm really sceptical of a therapist who thinks it's ok to step in like this, especially with something that could have major consequences for you.

Sorry, I should have been clearer. I meant suggesting concrete steps to get me to the place she feels I need to be in psychologically to conceive again, not giving medical advice.

Re: my postnatal difficulties.

We had a traumatic birth, despite being well-prepared and having done hypnobirthing. There was a point at which I truly thought we’d lost DD. I had to go theatre right after so didn’t get to be with her straightaway. Then she got jaundice. None of this was great for bonding and we had a lot of difficulties with breastfeeding. She had tongue tie which took a long time to be diagnosed and I was exclusively pumping for several months. I’ve also had repeatedly had mastitis. DD was very unsettled, colicky and would only sleep for any length of time on one of our chests for the first few weeks. Even now she still wakes several times a night (believe me, we tried everything!) and is very clingy, taking up a lot of my time of attention.

It’s been a rough year but I do feel like we are seeing some light now. DD is my world, I love her more than words can express and yes - despite all the above - I am still mad enough to want to throw that dice again.

My therapist has been great up until now so I am disappointed that she does not seem on-board with my plan to try for a second. I feel like she’s hoping I’ll just forget the idea.

OP posts:

custardbear · 06/08/2022 10:18

Everyone's different but I found my first hard work and had undiagnosed PND, second was a breeze. Not saying you'd have the same but it's not written in the stars that your second will be like your first
Good luck

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