To put TTC on hold at 39?

[BeeQuiet]

I’m approaching 39 and my baby is approaching one. I’d like to start TTC again shortly for the best chance of a sibling as I realize it may not be easy and that time is not on our side.

My therapist is against this idea though and thinks it’s too soon as I didn’t have the easiest time postnatally, my baby is quite a handful in various ways and two close in age would be hard. I’ve told her I agree that a small gap is not my ideal either but I fear I’m too old to wait any longer now. She says she has worked with women who have conceived up to the age of 44 and that there is really no hurry.

I’d like to at least start taking prenatal vitamins but she says that, whilst she does understand the need to plan, she wouldn’t even think about it right now.

You're putting too much weight on what your therapist is telling you. She's there to help you navigate your emotions postpartum, not to advise you in when us or isn't suitable for you to have a second child. It's inappropriate for her to pass judgement on your decision to extend your family. Many women can and do have babies in their 40s. Similarly, many women stop being able to reproduce MUCH earlier than this. She shouldn't be commenting on your family planning and she definitley shouldn't be advising you that you have plenty of time as she has no idea whether things true or not.

Bottom line is, if you want another child then you better get cracking before the opportunity passes you by.

She’s overstepping. Your fertility is not her business.

The therapist sounds like she’s overstepping the mark to me.

I wouldn't wait personally but it is your body and your choice. Your therapist shouldn't be advising you. She is just there to explore your feelings about it.

I'd get a new therapist.

So anybody 32 or over who wants to conceive should be using an egg donor? You’re being ridiculous now.

You should freeze your eggs before the age of 32??

@glowinglantern tbh most state it's best to freeze in mid to late 20's

I'd personally not risk waiting until 32 but that's when significant decline starts so...

@Alfenstein You’re right. If I were to have a child who was disabled I would never forgive myself. I’m going to look into egg donation. Thank you.

A private therapist should not be advising you about this. It's totally overstepping the professional boundary.

If you want another baby then that's your decision.

I really hope you are just humouring Alfenstein and his/her ridiculously poor advice to get them to be quiet.

If not, I worry about:

• how easily swayed you are not just by your therapist who I agree with others have overstepped but also random strangers
• language like 'I would never forgive myself if I had a disabled child' without dwelling on how offensive this sounds (as if having a disabled child is the worst thing that could happen) the way you make everything 'your fault' and how anxious you seem.

I think you should find a new, more supportive therapist and perhaps you're not in the best place to have your life decisions evaluated online? You sound lovely and I wish you all the best.

@napody most would prefer not to have a disabled child no?

It's no secret egg quality declines with age and that quality is directly linked to a myriad of concerns with babies and childrens health

Hi OP,

I had mild, undiagnosed PND with my first DC, who was also a very high-needs and demanding baby, and it took me the best part of a year to recover.

However, the PND did not recur with either my second or third child, even though my third pregnancy was the hardest in many ways.

If you feel ready then I wouldn't put off TTC in your late 30s.

There is plenty you can do to prevent PND recurring, or even mitigating the effects. With my second and third DCs I was much more aware of looking after my mental health, and a lot of the worries I had with my first were no longer there with subsequent children.

Lastly I think it is ridiculous to suggest using donor or frozen eggs before you have even tried to conceive naturally. Neither donor eggs nor frozen eggs are preferable to conceiving naturally with your own eggs, and in my opinion, using donor eggs is not ethical.

All the best and good luck whatever you decide

Really it's up to you. This is not advice, this is just what happened to me :I had my first child just a few months shy of 38. We started trying again when I was 39, for the reasons related to age you mentioned yourself, but I had 2 miscarriages (7 weeks and 12 weeks) and then a long spell with nothing happening. It took changing jobs (very stressful job before), taking the best quality vitamins I could find, a fitness regime, acupuncture sessions, all sorts of medical tests and pinpointing my ovulation days with military precision to time it right to finally get pregnant again the week of my 41st birthday. My daughter was born perfectly healthy just a few months before my 42nd birthday.
This is just what happened to me, I'm not trying to influence you in any way. Some women probably fall pregnant very easily in their early 40s but I think it's rather rare.
There are 4 years between my children, we wanted 2 years but in insight it was probably better as I would have been exhausted with 2 under 2/3 years old.
Good luck with everything!

At 39 you don't have a lot of time to be thinking about this. If you are wondering if you should wait, maybe it's worth having a fertility test.
As I'm sure you know, the average woman's fertility declines dramatically after about 37. Not only does it become harder to conceive, it becomes harder to carry a pregnancy to term, as the risk of miscarriage also increases, I believe quite sharply, after 40. There is also a higher risk of the baby suffering from chromosomal and other disorders.
If you weren't actually suffering from severe PND, then I think your advancing age ( sorry!) outweighs most other factors in making this decision. Or, to put it another way, if you were to suffer from PND again, or just find things difficult, what support is available to you? Can you afford to buy in help in the short term, eg for a few months after a second baby is born? Is there anything you can do to cushion the impact?
Lots of people do manage a gap of around 2 years between children without too much problem ,partly because a second baby is often easier to deal with - a routine is already established, the house is set up, and importantly, you have a much better idea of what do as a mother. You feel much more competent, some of your friends have babies ( because you meet them at baby groups) so you are not as isolated as some people are with a first baby. Obviously there are no guarantees!
I don't think that you should be swayed by the fact that some people do have babies over 40. I am one of them, and I had no problem getting pregnant. That's not to say it will be the same for you, and you don't want to be having to rely on IVF or other fertility treatments, which can be expensive, difficult to deal with hormonally and physically, and which have quite a low chance of working.
If you are unsure, get tested. And don't take fertility advice from someone unqualified to give it.

I’m assuming your therapist is coming from a place of advising on whether your mental and emotional health is ready for another pregnancy and baby - which I can understand is likely to be part of her remit. But that’s a totally different question to whether you may or may not actually be able to conceive. Is the therapist also advising on how you might handle not managing to conceive a second child because that appears to be a relevant counter-balancing factor here. On fertility itself - I had a very surprise last baby at 44 (a couple of months off my 45th birthday) and I don’t know a single person personally in real life who had a baby older than me (including amongst that presumably at least a few who had assisted conception) - there’s a few that had babies at 42, 43 etc but I can think of 3 people among everyone I know (which is a demographic of later-babies rather than e.g. 20-something weddings - most of my friends were in their mid/late 30s for at least one of their children). It’s worth looking up the stats to see what your chances might be, and perhaps having some fertility tests to establish your ovarian reserves, so that you have all the information you can get.

Well she's a therapist not a doctor - advising any woman that it's ok to put off TTC until age 44 is ridiculous

Please say you're joking...

While some women CAN have children at 44 and older still, many more simply can't. It's a total lottery.
It's a difficult decision, and we don't know how challenging your mental health has been over the last year, but to say there is no hurry is simply inaccurate for large sections of women I'm afraid.
I don't see the harm in taking prenatal vitamins in readiness. Especially as they take a while to start taking effect.

I'm just confused that your therapist said it's not the right time to ttc and your post is titled 'should I put ttc on hold,' then a random poster says you should freeze your eggs so you agree.

You don't have to do what random people tell you to do!

You therapist is not a doctor, the older you are, the harder it is to conceive, I would try to conceive again asap

Yes because burdening a child with the future mental health mindful that comes with having a mother who isn't genetically related to them is totally the answer 🤔

Listen to your heart, not your therapist.

Thanks to all those who have written kind and thoughtful replies. I’m definitely aware of declining fertility and increasing risks. I’m just a bit frustrated that my therapist apparently isn’t.