AIBU to be a bit annoyed at DH for this. Anyone else got one like him?

[MsFrog]

When I am ill, to the point where I'm out of action or can't do much (and I'm not a wimp, I get on with it as much as I can), it's like DH gets instantly stressed and goes in a bad mood. He's great practically, I can't fault him, but his stressy, moody attitude makes it so much harder. I don't get much sympathy, which is reasonable I guess if he's picking up a lot of the slack, but I get this weird vibe and tone of annoyance from him. E.g. I have obvious pain - "why don't you just go upstairs and lie down?", but said in an irritated manner.

I've asked him about it, and he says he's stressed by the situation. But his inability to just suck it up a bit, the way he makes it so, so obvious just how stressed be is.. it just makes it so much harder when I'm already ill.

Anyone got a DH like this? Does it drive you up the wall?

I get annoyed with my DH when he is unwell sometimes. This is because he will tell me numerous times that he is sorry he can't do much, or that he isn't feeling well, or that he is feeling really weak today (to be fair he has a degenerative condition so he has valid reasons for feeling unwell). Why I get annoyed is that I will suggest he goes to have a rest, or whether I need to do anything for him, or offer to get him some painkillers or something and he just won't do anything about it! He says 'if I have a nap I won't sleep tonight' or he doesn't need anything, or he doesn't like taking painkillers. And I'm thinking ffs stop complaining then! I already know he's not feeling well, I know why, and I know what he needs to feel better. If he won't help himself there is nothing I can do about it so stop telling me about it!

That sounds very irritating, @DilemmaDelilah. I would understand being annoyed at that. I'm not like this though - I take medication religiously and liberally as required! I do my utmost to spend my energy in the right places, and when I couldn't cope alone with the kids today and yesterday, I said so and I enlisted help from my parents with the kids! I try to lighten his load to reduce his stress. But he's barely looked at me all day and is just seeming really grumpy. I don't get it, but it's hurting my feelings a bit.

Maybe I'm just being a bit sensitive coz I'm tired and in pain (anyone had shingles?! It's bloody awful).

It all depends on how often it happens really?

All of those are really valid responses from him. How do you think a sleepless night because he napped all day will make him less ill?

I don't have a DH like this - but I'm like it. And not just with DH, with the dc too. More so with dh though because when the dc are ill I have the comfort of DH being there as back up - but if DH is ill, it's just me.

I recognise it in myself and try and mask it as much as possible, I think very successfully most of the time - but not 100%. I probably come off as vaguely 'off' when DH is ill.

For me, it's worry and anxiety I think. I have health anxiety and this comes out as anger and irritation. If DH is ill, I can feel it building in me, intense anxiety and stress but mainly anger, annoyance, and I have to push it right down. I'm not selfish, I'm not annoyed at caring for him or picking up the slack - I don't mind it at all, I WANT to help him feel better and I'm not lazy. But I have a constant burning feeling inside that I can only explain as anger. It goes as soon as I know he's OK.

I can't explain it any better than this. I've tried analysing myself and have come to the conclusion I'm just a bit odd and my health stress response is wired wrong. I don't have any 'general' anger management problems and I'm actually a very relaxed person...but I find illness very hard to cope with normally.

Is he frightened by illness? When my kids were small and were poorly I became tenser and snappier until they got better. I tried to be kind to them, of course, but I was terrified that they were seriously ill. Same when my husband actually became seriously ill, and my mother, now that I think of it. Seeing the people I love most in the world in a weak and vulnerable state makes me scared and anxious. It can come out snappy.

Every time I'm ill enough that it has some sort of impact. I don't just lie around all day - today I have hung out/put away laundry, cooked the tea for the kids, washed dishes, tidied toys, taken the kids for their vaccinations. He just gets so grumpy when I'm ill and it makes me feel rubbish!

I'm not ill ridiculously often, if that's what you mean.

@PseudonymPolly Snap!

Thanks @SquirrelFan and @PseudonymPolly it's really, really interesting to hear your responses. DH does have terrible health anxiety, actually

Migraine sufferer here. Exh used to demand his dps come over to help him with the dc if I was bedridden. If he announced I looked fine he absolutely would not have it I felt shit..
Utter twat...
Exh..

@Summerhasbeenandgone he didn't believe you were ill?!

Was the comment about going upstairs to lie down because actually you are downstairs?

I have to admit when people are unwell I'm happy to pick up slack.

But I have no patience with people who like to be present, explaining their pain, explaining they feel unwell and constantly apologising for it.

If ill - go and rest!

@itsgettingweird sometimes I do hang around because I'm worried about him managing the kids. Maybe that is quite irritating for him. I don't hang around to complain, but I am obviously not well so I suppose I get it.

But it's every utterance - even was he asks if I'm ok or feeling better, it's like it's annoying him to even have to ask!

But judging by PPs, this is a real thing!

My dh is very good when I am feeling poorly. Bringing me cups of tea and painkillers, and letting me lie down and avoid the bedtime routine. However, he nearly always gets struck down with something the following day, and then I have to repay the favour. He thinks that he must have caught what I had - despite the fact that I had a migraine/pms/something not contagious.

@Bimblybomeyelash that must drive you mad, but I must admit it made me laugh a bit about the PMS

@Wob of course they are valid responses, I don't dispute that. HOWEVER.... It really doesn't matter if he doesn't sleep well through the night. He is retired, if he wants to nap during the day or go to bed early or stay up late or get up to watch telly in the middle of the night it doesn't matter. We sleep in different rooms, he won't disturb me, he is 68 and apparently our sleep patterns change as we get older anyway and elderly people are more likely to nap rather than to sleep through. AND.... If he doesn't want or won't accept any help to make him feel better don't go on about it! I can tell when he's not well, I do whatever I can to help, I tell him he can't help his weakness and tiredness and that he doesn't need to apologise to me. Just don't keep going on about it if he's not going to do anything about it! I don't say that to him.... I just think it inside. Our life has changed considerably since he was diagnosed and it is sad, there is so much we can't do now. All I want is for him to be proactive in managing his condition and to help himself/allow me to help him. And no - I don't complain to him and yes - I do know what he is going through and how difficult it is for him. It is difficult for me too and I know that his condition means that he may be taken from me earlier than if he didn't have it. I'm just having a rant.

If you're ill why are you acting as though you're not?

I'd find that annoying

@Topgub I don't understand what you mean. Do you mean because I'm doing things around the house? We have two very young kids and my husband is at work. I'm not so ill that I can't do anything at all. I'd probably be doing less, but I feel like I need to do what I can to help him because he's so obviously struggling

@MsFrog

Yeah

If you're ill you rest, do the bare minimum, go to bed as soon as oh gets in.

Not martyr yourself micromanage him.

Why can't he look after his kids on his own?

@Topgub well, because he's at work. But I suppose you are right - I worry and project a lot about how he might be feeling/coping, and I react badly to any sign he is stressing out. Maybe that is the crux of this whole thing; thinking back, I have often struggled through for his benefit, even when very pregnant and recovering from a section

Though, I don't know if I'm micromanaging him, I'm trying to be a team player and do what I can within the limits of being ill. Don't all parents do that?

I guess we've gone a bit off topic from what my OP was about now, though!

Not really

You asked why could he be annoyed.

Imo that's why

You say you're ill but then carry on as normal.

That would piss me off

Cause if I'm ill, I'm ill. I go to bed and rest.

If I can't I lie on the couch and do the absolute bare minimum

If dh kept moaning he was ill while being a 'team player' I'd think oh fuck off, stop being a martyr.

And you've said a few times he can't cope looking after his own kids.

Why is that?

I can relate. When dh is ill he goes to bed and the house runs as normal. When I'm ill I often end up have to manage while he's at work (easier not kids at school) which can't be help but then obviously he has to step up when he gets in. He gets grumpy and stressed which makes it harder for me as I then feel guilty . I find it easier to go to bed out the way. The other thing that's annoying is if I'm ill in bed a couple days the house looks horrific. Dh argues it's cause he's doing "my stuff" plus his own. So the few days after being ill I'm always rushing round trying to catch up.

Nah my husband is kind and sympathetic to me if I’m not well; he doesn’t snap at me or make me do all the work when I’m better- house runs fine, he looks after me

I think you need to treat him the same when he is ill. I bet you are nice to him when he is ill.

Currently there is no incentive for him to change.