AIBU to be a bit annoyed at DH for this. Anyone else got one like him?

[MsFrog]

When I am ill, to the point where I'm out of action or can't do much (and I'm not a wimp, I get on with it as much as I can), it's like DH gets instantly stressed and goes in a bad mood. He's great practically, I can't fault him, but his stressy, moody attitude makes it so much harder. I don't get much sympathy, which is reasonable I guess if he's picking up a lot of the slack, but I get this weird vibe and tone of annoyance from him. E.g. I have obvious pain - "why don't you just go upstairs and lie down?", but said in an irritated manner.

I've asked him about it, and he says he's stressed by the situation. But his inability to just suck it up a bit, the way he makes it so, so obvious just how stressed be is.. it just makes it so much harder when I'm already ill.

Anyone got a DH like this? Does it drive you up the wall?

@PrawnofthePatriarchy actually that's a very likely reason too what a helpful post

what proportion of looking after the children does he do when you’re both well?

I feel for you. I have shingles often (despite it being EXTREMELY rare to get it more than once) it's completely draining and it just makes you feel awful.
My DP is the same. He won't just let me rest he has to come in and keep 'checking' on me. I think he panics when I'm down lol. 2 toddlers are a handful. I feel his stress from my bed and then I feel stressed. It's not worth trying to rest sometimes so I just get up and struggle through the bare minimum.
I look back now and realise why my Mum was 'never ill' when I was growing up. She was, she just had to suck it up and get on with it like we have to. Nothing has changed in a generation. Sigh.
Get well soon OP.

I think the well person wants to fix the ill person, but they can't and that frustration comes out as irritation and distance. It's also a lot to do with how illness was managed during their childhood. If the parent was one of these stop moaning, just get on with it people, they tend to be less sympathetic. Also showing sympathy can be showing empathy and it's mentally unsettling to 'feel' the pain and distress of someone you love, so it can be a self protection mechanism.

Tbh t sounds like you've got much bigger problems

Why is he only 'stepping up' when you're ill?

Why isn't he capable of looking after his own children alone without getting totally stressed out and not being able to manage it?

It sounds like he thinks looking after them is your job so he's pissed off at having to do even a small part of it. That's ridiculous

That’s what I suspected @Topgub

You both sound like quite anxious people generally and those anxieties don’t appear to mix well when you are not well. It sounds exhausting. Maybe it’s time you enlisted professional support in developing strategies for managing your individual anxieties.

As an aside, I have had very supportive colleagues offering their support when I’m looking stressed but I’m not stressed, outwardly I might look it but internally I’m not. What I do find really stressful is feeling obliged to accept their support when I don’t need it.

Wow, lots of interesting and conflicting responses. Not really sure what to think now! Will have to mull it over. I relate to the PP saying you get stressed when your partner gets stressed, and it's almost better just going to help.

DH definitely doesn't think the kids are my job, but I do look after them a lot more because I work part time, so I'm more used to it. Maybe I do micromanage. I am pretty anxious. I suppose I probably worry about his mood more than a should as a result of my own childhood and the way we all had to tiptoe around my dad's mood...

PPs are probably right that I should just step back and let him deal with things. But it doesn't change the fact that he's just not nice to me when I'm ill. He doesn't say "sweetheart, you need to go and lie down, just go, we'll be ok". He says, "god this is stressful" or "I'm just trying to get everything done" or "I'm not sure how I'm going to manage, but I'll have to". And then he does manage, but I feel crap. But it sounds like quite a few of you relate to that. And he can't leave anything, he needs the house tidy and the jobs done.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts

He doesn't say "sweetheart, you need to go and lie down, just go, we'll be ok". He says, "god this is stressful" or "I'm just trying to get everything done" or "I'm not sure how I'm going to manage, but I'll have to". And then he does manage, but I feel crap.

But he does manage, that's the important part. I think it's okay that he has a bit of a grump/moan about it, tbh. It's not personal, it's just his way of expressing frustration at the situation.

In a way, he's not responsible for your feelings. Let him moan/stress and stop worrying about it - just go and lie down if that's what you need to to :)

@sunsetsandsandybeaches yeah I guess that's a good point. Maybe I just want to be coddled a bit, but I'm a big girl. It's just so not what I'm like (and he complains a lot about his health!), but we aren't the same person

You know he doesn’t truly believe he’s caught it don’t you? He just believes you’re indebted to him for his ‘care’ and feels entitled to pretend to be sick and do fuck all for a day.

And he can't leave anything, he needs the house tidy and the jobs done.

But why is that your problem? Or the fact he finds looking after his own kids stressful your problem?

Let him get on with it.

And if you need him to be nicer to you, tell him that

I recognise this in both me and my partner. Neither of us has health anxiety though.
So if I'm ill which isnt often but always ends up dragging on, like I'll have a cold, it gets worse, then it's a chest infection and suddenly 7 weeks have gone by with me being ill. My partner has no compassion, might bring me a drink and tablets, mostly will leave me alone which to be fair I dont mind but still stuff has to be done and I feel like death warmed up and still do necessary things.

So then he will be ill (again it's not often) and I'm pissed off at how he treated me when I was ill so I do the same as him, fuck off out all day, ignore his requests for drinks/tablets send not one message asking how he is, then its all over til the next time.

One time I was properly unwell and eventually ended up in hospital for a fortnight and he would not come home early from non compulsory overtime to bring me a drink, I pretty much slid downstairs to get drinks and tablets and crawled back up, it took about an hour for me to do that and then when he finally came home he was angry that I hadn't done much at all. Thank God we're not sick often.

Yeah, I think it's easy to expect someone to act the same as you, but in reality, it's an impossible expectation for them to live up to. I know I've had a few arguments with DH about that over the years

I mean, when I'm unwell, the last thing I want is to be "coddled" - I just want to be left alone to sleep/rest/feel sorry for myself, so when DH is ill, it wouldn't cross my mind that he needs to be "coddled" himself, iyswim.

Remember, how you behave towards him isn't necessarily what he wants either.

Maybe he's annoyed because you seem to think he needs not only help but direction.

My other half does this too...

"Cough..cough...splutter...make sure you rub the baked potatoes with oil and salt. Have you put the oven on to pre-heat? God, I feel shit. Oh, and remember Annie doesn't like cauliflower. Do some sweetcorn. And make sure the chicken's cooked through. Cough, sneeze, moan. It's the bins tomorrow. Did you post the letters in the hal?. If I could get up, I'd've done it myself. Did they catch the last post? The forks are in the cutlery drawer. Oh, is that the front door. Front door! Get the front door!"

.....perhap that's why he gets annoyed. It's annoying.

So many apologists for nasty men.

Hes only concerned for himself here.
You arent allowed to be ill, its inconvenient for him and so he is nasty to you.
Since when does being worried about your partner mean its ok to show zero concern and be emotionally abusive, moody and unpleasant?
It comes from the same place as "it means he likes you" when a boy is nasty to a girl at school.
Bullshit.
He doesnt think you are mummy, hes not scared, hes a selfish man who puts himself first and doesnt care that you are ill.

OP, the core issue is a lack of kindness when you are unwell because he is pissed off at being impacted by it.

Not nice and certainly not indicative of a good man and a happy marriage.

How you are treated by your partner when unwell is a huge marker of your marriage health.

He may feel stressed by it all, but being bad tempered and dismissive is not acceptable.

You need to spell it out to him how completely unacceptable it is.

Personally I would not want to stay married to someone like that.

Simply put, I wouldn't trust them to have my back, because they certainly don't when I am ill.

I hope you feel better soon.

@Topgub I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't need to worry and stress over his every little emotion. He's a big boy.

I will talk with him when I'm better, because I agree with PP that supporting someone when they are ill is massive in a marriage, because we all get ill and older eventually, and it does stress me out to feel like if I got really ill or had an accident, I don't know how he'd cope.

See this would do my head in. When people go for a lie down because they’re a bit under the weather I just find them irritating. If you’re genuinely really unwell then fair enough, but most of the time they’re not, they’ve got a bit of a headache (or whatever) and want to opt out. Most people just get on with it because they have to. It’s not martyring yourself it’s just life.

But I have no patience for ‘poorly’ people, especially when they do the poorly voice or are needy.

@SandieCollins

Well that was my point. I'm never ill but if I am I'm actually ill. To the point I have to go to bed

I cant function with a migraine. Its not just a bit of a headache. It's searing pain, blurred vision with flashing lights and nausea and vomiting.

A bit of a cold and I'm the one insisting I still go to work.

Tonsillitis with a temp of 39 and I am actually too unwell to do anything.

So either the op isn't actually that unwell and is moaning for no real reason or she is and is carrying on as though she isn't

Both are equally annoying

Are you aware shingles is contagious? You can pass on the chicken pox virus to people who have not had it yet. So you can give chicken pox to other people from your shingles outbreak. Just because you said you took children to get vaccinated today so presumably out and about mixing with others (drs office)

Aah, I missed that. I got the impression that you were saying that people who get on with things when they’re unwell are being martyrs.

@SandieCollins

I am.

Lots of women do it

If you're genuinely unwell why wouldnt you go to bed and rest?

I'm not moaning. I'm not that type - I'm more the "just get on with it, insist I go to work with a cold" type. But as @SandieCollins says, it is just life that you have to just get on. I think it's alright to want a bit of kindness when you're cracking on but a bit ill. Or if not kindness, not outright grumpiness.

@ThanksForAllTheFish yes, the GP said its fine if the rash isn't oozing and covered up. It spreads through contact. And I told the GP receptionist, and she said no need to sit in a different waiting room or anything. Thanks 🙂

it is just life that you have to just get on. I think it's alright to want a bit of kindness when you're cracking on but a bit ill. Or if not kindness, not outright grumpiness.

But surely one of the many benefits of having a partner is that you don't "have to just get on"? I would 100% expect DH to pick up the slack so I could rest if I was unwell, just as I would pick up the slack if he was unwell.

However, if he decided that he needed to "crack on" regardless, my sympathy for him would be pretty limited, to be honest. You can't feel that unwell if you have the choice to rest but are choosing to make a martyr of yourself anyway.