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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed at DH for this. Anyone else got one like him?

83 replies

MsFrog · 05/08/2022 19:08

When I am ill, to the point where I'm out of action or can't do much (and I'm not a wimp, I get on with it as much as I can), it's like DH gets instantly stressed and goes in a bad mood. He's great practically, I can't fault him, but his stressy, moody attitude makes it so much harder. I don't get much sympathy, which is reasonable I guess if he's picking up a lot of the slack, but I get this weird vibe and tone of annoyance from him. E.g. I have obvious pain - "why don't you just go upstairs and lie down?", but said in an irritated manner.

I've asked him about it, and he says he's stressed by the situation. But his inability to just suck it up a bit, the way he makes it so, so obvious just how stressed be is.. it just makes it so much harder when I'm already ill.

Anyone got a DH like this? Does it drive you up the wall?

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 06/08/2022 06:35

Yes mine is the same, like he is annoyed with me. we booked a few days away which we were both looking forward to.
I don't really mix with many people but somehow managed to get Covid two weeks before we were due to go, he sulked being really quiet and moody until I was better,
Lucky enough after five days I was negative, but he even admitted he was angry I was Ill as it might spoil our plans. X

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 06/08/2022 07:05

Hmm, personally I do get a bit irritated when someone is blatantly unwell and insists on moping around the house telling me how unwell they feel, while also forcing themselves to get on with things that aren't actually necessary.

If you're that unwell that you have to tell me
about it - go to bloody bed and rest, and just let me get on with it.

I actually find it quite stressful to have someone who's clearly unwell trying to force themselves to carry on as normal. It makes me feel guilty and like they don't trust me to be able to cope on my own.

Why can't you just go to bed and rest? What is it that's making you feel like you have to get up and carry on as normal when you have a partner around to step in?

MsFrog · 06/08/2022 07:16

@Shoxfordian that's lovely!

@autienotnaughty that's a bit like here - if he's ill, I just get on and I'm sympathetic towards him. Things slip through the cracks, but I don't get vexed about it.

@Topgub I don't think it's coz I keep doing things, because the mood shift is instant when it becomes apparent I'm ill. And he's happy to let me do things - I got up with the baby yesterday at 5am, he also woke up but didn't move. He was wfh yesterday, so he couldn't really have the kids. But I get what you are saying - he should be able to look after them. He can, he just gets so overwhelmed having them and looking after the house and working if I'm not well. But I'll try just keeping out the way today and see if that's any better!

OP posts:
MsFrog · 06/08/2022 07:19

Ah thanks, didn't see the additional messages before I posted. I don't mope and I don't complain. But he obviously knows I'm not well.

I'll take all this on board and try just stepping back. But honestly, the mood dips the second I say I don't feel well, so I'm not sure it's anything I'm doing/not doing.

And yes, I am lovely to him when he's ill, but I work in healthcare and I'm naturally like that.

OP posts:
MsFrog · 06/08/2022 07:21

Why can't you just go to bed and rest? What is it that's making you feel like you have to get up and carry on as normal when you have a partner around to step in?

I guess it's past experience of how low and overwhelmed he's been when I really couldn't step up, like after my sections or when I had PGP. I feel from these replies that I'm really not giving him enough credit though.

OP posts:
sunsetsandsandybeaches · 06/08/2022 07:27

MsFrog · 06/08/2022 07:21

Why can't you just go to bed and rest? What is it that's making you feel like you have to get up and carry on as normal when you have a partner around to step in?

I guess it's past experience of how low and overwhelmed he's been when I really couldn't step up, like after my sections or when I had PGP. I feel from these replies that I'm really not giving him enough credit though.

It's not your fault he's overwhelmed though.

If you're that unwell, you need to go to bed and rest. If someone is telling me they're unwell but carries on as normal, I'd personally find it quite irritating, as in my eyes it means one or two things:

  • you're clearly not that unwell if you can carry on as usual, so why are you telling me in the first place?
Or
  • if you're that unwell and carrying on as normal, why are you being a martyr? Go to bed and rest - you won't win any medals by carrying on as usual!
MsFrog · 06/08/2022 07:32

It feels like my fault, especially when he seems irritated at me. Yesterday I spent ages in bed, my parents did nearly everything once they got here and he still barely looked at or spoke to me.

I keep doing things because thing sneed doing. And there is middle ground between being so ill you need to be in bed, and still being able to function a bit. If your partner is working and you have kids, what options do you have?

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 06/08/2022 07:35

My ex was exactly the same. Its because they don't want to have to pick up anymore slack from the bare minimum they usually do.

Strawberries86 · 06/08/2022 07:39

My ex was exactly like this, in his case it was annoyance that he had to step up and be the default parent.

ItsDangerousInKingsmarkham · 06/08/2022 07:41

I'm a bit like this with my DH. If he says he is ill I just feel irritation with him. I feel really bad about it but it is my automatic response.

I'm not sure what's behind it - partly a bit of a hypochondriac tendancy on his part, partly a bit of a feeling of 'well I just have to suck it up' because if I'm ill its business as usual with 3 kids - no days spent in bed for me.

I do my utmost to be kind and sympathetic but it doesn't come naturally for some reason. It's weird because in every other aspect of life I'm his no.1 cheerleader.

Midlifemusings · 06/08/2022 07:41

Did he want your parents to be there?

You have said quite a few things that are clear resons for his irritation. His health anxiety, you hovering and doubting his abilities, saying you are sick and then martyring yourself etc.

At some point when you are well, you need to have a conversation with him. If he is stepping up and taking over, then let him.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 06/08/2022 07:42

Even if your partner is at work and you have kids to look after, you still only need to do the bare minimum, though.

Don't let his attitude make you feel guilty and pushed into doing more than you should be doing. If you're unwell (and shingles is pretty nasty) you should be resting, not doing housework and laundry.

It's not necessarily about being too unwell to function - for me, if someone is sick, it's easier if they just go to bed and stay there, rather than be half-present. I'd rather do it all on my own, tbh, it's less stressful.

You say he has health anxiety - maybe he's scared and doesn't want to show it, so he becomes irritable and grumpy as a bit of a defence mechanism. It may not be personal, just how he deals with the situation.

CrossStitch87 · 06/08/2022 07:42

Oh no this is me. My husband is so kind to me when I am unwell and I’m a pain in the arse when he’s unwell. I do recognise it and try hard to hide it. I’m not actually that sure why it is, I’ve never analysed it. Maybe I’m just not a very nurtury/touchy feely person (I also get annoyed by the constant “reminders” that he’s not feeling well e.g. moaning about something hurting, the sick man shuffle etc - it’s fine I know you’re unwell I haven’t forgotten!)

I guess I’m quite a “get up and get on with it” kind of person and I just don’t have a lot of time for illness, unreasonable as that is. I think I’m better with the kids when they’re sick, but I do find that makes me quite anxious.

ememem84 · 06/08/2022 07:43

I felt dreadful yesterday. Dodgy tummy cold symptoms - pms I think. Hoorah. Had to keep going as DH was away for work. He got home and I went to bed.

ac or ding to him I checked out.

samm right I did. I felt awful.

Snoredoeurve · 06/08/2022 07:44

MsFrog · 06/08/2022 07:32

It feels like my fault, especially when he seems irritated at me. Yesterday I spent ages in bed, my parents did nearly everything once they got here and he still barely looked at or spoke to me.

I keep doing things because thing sneed doing. And there is middle ground between being so ill you need to be in bed, and still being able to function a bit. If your partner is working and you have kids, what options do you have?

What you are describing is emotional abuse.
Hes being nasty to you and its inconvenient to him that his domestic appliance/ child carer ( in his brain) has needs of her own.
Very , very common in abusive relationships.
How is he the rest of the time?
Its not your fault but he makes you feel it is.

BigMamaFratelli · 06/08/2022 07:45

Sunnyqueen · 06/08/2022 07:35

My ex was exactly the same. Its because they don't want to have to pick up anymore slack from the bare minimum they usually do.

This was exactly my ex too. Coupled with the fact he'd be extra shitty to me if I called in sick to work ever.

Current DP is amazing and shoos me off to bed if I'm ever ill and looks after the kids (his and mine) and the house on his own. Jobs get left if they can be, which is exactly as it should, but everyone is fed and clean and dressed and where they need to be. Which is no mean feat even with two of us functioning well!

DelilahBucket · 06/08/2022 07:48

Are you being a martyr by carrying on as normal despite being poorly, when being visibly ill and saying you're ill? Because that's the kind of behaviour that would warrant his comment about going to lie down. If you want him to pick up your slack, then let him. Don't get involved because you "have to or nothing will get done".

TheLadyofShalott1 · 06/08/2022 08:05

Hi @MsFrog I have had Shingles twice, once many years ago before the medication was available that helps prevent it getting any worse. The second time I got it, 9 years ago, at a time of great stress to me, I was able to have the antiviral medicine, I think mine was Aciclovir, and I only felt mildly ill with the Shingles compared to the first time. If you have not had an antiviral I have no idea how you are still doing anything?

Shingles is the most painful and debilitating acute illness I have ever had, probably because it is an illness that it's very own raison d'être is to stamp on and squeeze a nerve until it is almost screaming in pain! Therefore the first time it erupted (it lies dormant in our bodies after having had Chicken Pox) I was given extremely strong painkillers by my GP, by both injection and orally. I didn't ask what they were at the time as I was so out of it, but looking back now I think that they were probably both Poppy based.

The painkillers made me sleep most of the time, I even had to use a commode by my bed as I couldn't have made it as far as the bathroom even though I was usually a healthy and strong teenager, because I just felt so weak - luckily my Mum still had a commode from when my Grandmother was ill. The upside was that I had the most amazing dreams 😊

I know that when I got Shingles the second time, that after having the antiviral tablets I didn't really get any pain. I did feel washed out, very drained, but thank goodness no pain. Whether you have had the antiviral medication or not OP you really do need to be resting, you may actually prolong your full recovery by quite a long time if you don't take it easy now. I presume that your Dr has told you that your children should not get near enough to you to catch Chicken Pox (if they have not already had it) from any weeping spots or blisters. That goes treble for your husband if he has never had Chicken Pox, as Chicken Pox can be much worse for him.

I didn't like my spots to be covered up, but if your husband or children are susceptible to Chicken Pox then it would probably be wise to cover your spots/blisters up with a non "sticky" - lint free, bandage, if you cannot guarantee that they won't come into contact with anything (eg sheets, nightwear, flannels or towels, that you may have used). Of course you should keep your flannels and towels in your own room whilst you are still infectious.

Anyway, until your last spot has dried up, you really should be keeping out of the way, and resting. Hopefully, if your husband has to cope on his own with the children, it will start to massively decrease his fear of not being able to cope (and therefore his irritableness), and increase his self-confidence. Then if you are incapable another time, keep out of it again, and that should help reinforce his self-confidence. Whenever you talk with him about things like this, try to sound like there are no worries, you trust him to be able to cope - without actually saying those words!
I hope you feel better very soon @MsFrog, and please try to let your husband's moods wash over you whilst you are ill. 💐💐💐

Weirdwonders · 06/08/2022 08:09

Yeah, I’ve got one of these. Visible irritation if I’m unwell or upset. He’s the type to keep going if he’s ill or broken. Good for him, but I’ve made a mental note to not expend any emotional energy on him in future if I don’t need to as it’s not reciprocated. I’m not sure that’s particularly healthy or normal though!

TheLadyofShalott1 · 06/08/2022 08:12

Sorry OP, I meant to ask, when you said that he was working, did you mean he works from home, because if he does and he can't cope with both the children and still get his work done, he will need to take time off work to look after them? If he does go out to work, he definitely needs to take time off to look after them if they don't go to any childminders etc during the school or nursery holidays.

girlmom21 · 06/08/2022 08:15

Washing and folding and putting clothes away doesn't need doing when you're really ill.

He probably gets stressed immediately because he knows what's coming - everything becomes his responsibility (two young kids isn't that much of a massive deal if he's just looking after them.
A tidy house can wait.) but he's also being micromanaged and monitored while you martyr yourself.

If you're ill, rest.

Gaveitall · 06/08/2022 08:32

I have a theory that all men whether they know it or not are really subconsciously looking for a “mother figure” in life.
Life partner, intimate partner call it what you like but bottom line is a “mother figure.” Mummy takes care of everything!

So, when mummy gets poorly they get worried & anxious and that turns into moody behaviour.

My partner was rubbish when I was sick in bed. I could turn into a skeleton in bed before he would think to bring me anything to eat, drink or ease my pain/discomfort etc.

Ive had several bouts of being laid up, bronchitis, slipped disc, post operative etc, & have had to have “the conversation” with him about looking after me a little bit whilst I’m laid low. He is getting better at it but I really do think it’s an anxiety thing because Mum isn’t running around as usual looking after the male of the species?

Drives me nuts & makes me a bit sad.

RedHelenB · 06/08/2022 08:32

Well why don't you go upstairs and lie down? It is annoying people going on about feeling ill when your prepared to take over.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 06/08/2022 08:32

My DH used to be like this, though he was normally so kind. This grumpy selfishness just didn't fit.

I puzzled it out and finally decided that he saw me as the anchor of the family - the central focus - so when I was ill it scared him.

I brought it up when we were both well and it turned out I was absolutely right. We had a good discussion and from then on he was much, much better.

I would be willing to bet that your DH is just the same.

NotMyDust · 06/08/2022 08:42

Maybe a non- functioning wife touches centuries-old tropes and hard wired attitudes laid down for generations in some men.
Or he's really scared....

something to do with gender roles anyway for sure!

sorry if point sounds vague I'm down with covid right now and dh has been pretty good about remembering I exist a keeping house going (I've been doing about 3 hours kid care/housework a day so far)