AIBU to hate my 14yr old

[memorial]

I know it sounds dramatic but I almost feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with her.
DD2 is 14. We are a single parent family. She suffers from anxiety and we have put a lot if effort into trying to help. She is currently having private counselling.
But she treats me like absolute shit. Almost all the time. She sneers at me. Cringes from me. Constantly tells me off. For breathing too loud. Making noises. Coughing.
Nothing I ever do seems to be enough.
We are currently on holiday just the 2 of us. In a very nice very expensive city. This morning on a tour she was charming and chatty to everyone else. Since then she has blanked me. Monosyllabic answers. We did an activity which was strained and painful.
Everything I've suggested or tried to speak to her has got monosyllabic answers. We ate dinner in silence.
And when I eventually give up, feeling sad and defeated. She then wants to know what's wrong with me. When I point out that she's barely spoken to me in 5 hours I'm being ridiculous.
We've now stormed off in opposite directions. She's gone back to the hotel. She's fine it's very safe 2 mins away.
I am sat outside the ice cream place crying. Every time this happens I swear I won't bother again. But of course I'm the parent so I do. But it's so very wearing.

[memorial]

Gosh so many comments thank you all who have commented the good bad and ugly. I knew it would be a mix in AIBU which is what I wanted/expected.
We had a long busy day yesterday with some good bits especially ending on a calm quiet activity which really seemed to help. Though we are back to shut down today.
I have read and appreciated all the comments, some have been incredibly helpful and will look at some of the things suggested.
To address some comments.
I actually have another DD1 (6 years older) so I am not an inexperienced mum. Though we had some issues they seemed/felt much more normal teenage issues than this does. And much more easily managed.
I am not her friend, I don't try or want to be her friend. I am firm though not crazy strict. I wonder whether some of the comments criticising my parenting are those lucky enough to have stable 2 parent families, engaged decent fathers and lucky enough to have NT children. Much like congratulating yourself on good sleepers or eaters....
I am medical and I am pretty sure DD2 is not NT. I have never pushed for a formal diagnosis before because we seemed to be coping. This has got worse hence the private psychology. And this holiday especially after covid has brought it out starkly.
But reading some of the comments I wonder whether a diagnosis wouldn't help her (and me) going forward.
I am also going to look into some of the parenting tool suggested. FWIW as said by one poster (and stuck in my head) I most certainly didn't storm off in a tantrum. We had an argument, barely raised voices and she stormed off after I said I was going for ice cream. These kind of blow ups don't happen often but sometimes we both reach our limits. I guess that poster is just perfect with perfect NT children. Well done you.
Thank you all. And to those going through similar, I see you and I feel seen so thank you. I hope you can also take some comfort and help from this thread as I have done.
We are home later today will not plan anything similar until I know we can both handle it better!

[RandomMess]

My youngest as ADD and the teen years so much more challenging than her older sisters.

I do call her out on being deliberately unkind/nasty/hurtful. I have said more than once that although I occasionally say things that hurt her feelings I never do it deliberately however I don't think she can say the same! The 2nd time I made that statement she has actually been much nicer/lashes out less although she is approaching 17 so perhaps finally maturing? She also left school on ill health grounds 6 months ago so I think her anxiety is much better etc.

[drawacircleroundit]

@bendmeoverbackwards

I also remember being a bit of a shit to my mum in my teens and and that was without any additional needs. I remember thinking I was being horrible and unpleasant to my mum but couldn’t help it.

Could it be that old saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt”?
after a day at home together, my family all snipe at things like chewing food and whistling noses - we are happy and laugh 90% of the time, but some days it’s like a hot-house of fed-up-manship.

[Tasmanium]

@memorial

Gosh so many comments thank you all who have commented the good bad and ugly. I knew it would be a mix in AIBU which is what I wanted/expected.
We had a long busy day yesterday with some good bits especially ending on a calm quiet activity which really seemed to help. Though we are back to shut down today.
I have read and appreciated all the comments, some have been incredibly helpful and will look at some of the things suggested.
To address some comments.
I actually have another DD1 (6 years older) so I am not an inexperienced mum. Though we had some issues they seemed/felt much more normal teenage issues than this does. And much more easily managed.
I am not her friend, I don't try or want to be her friend. I am firm though not crazy strict. I wonder whether some of the comments criticising my parenting are those lucky enough to have stable 2 parent families, engaged decent fathers and lucky enough to have NT children. Much like congratulating yourself on good sleepers or eaters....
I am medical and I am pretty sure DD2 is not NT. I have never pushed for a formal diagnosis before because we seemed to be coping. This has got worse hence the private psychology. And this holiday especially after covid has brought it out starkly.
But reading some of the comments I wonder whether a diagnosis wouldn't help her (and me) going forward.
I am also going to look into some of the parenting tool suggested. FWIW as said by one poster (and stuck in my head) I most certainly didn't storm off in a tantrum. We had an argument, barely raised voices and she stormed off after I said I was going for ice cream. These kind of blow ups don't happen often but sometimes we both reach our limits. I guess that poster is just perfect with perfect NT children. Well done you.
Thank you all. And to those going through similar, I see you and I feel seen so thank you. I hope you can also take some comfort and help from this thread as I have done.
We are home later today will not plan anything similar until I know we can both handle it better!

@memorial sounds very tough! Sorry to hear you were so upset, especially when making an effort to have a lovely holiday. I have a few questions mainly because I’m curious what could be setting her off.

When you ask her why she treats you like that, what sort of answers does she give?

Just wondering as well, has she witnessed anyone else treating you, or her or someone else close like that? Has your older child ever picked on her or been dismissive for example? or did you ever have a partner who treated you that way?

Would you say you are self critical? If she’s anxious she is likely to be pretty self critical I think, sometimes our family enrages us when we see ourselves in them and self criticism becomes criticisms of them.