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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my 14yr old

104 replies

memorial · 04/08/2022 22:29

I know it sounds dramatic but I almost feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with her.
DD2 is 14. We are a single parent family. She suffers from anxiety and we have put a lot if effort into trying to help. She is currently having private counselling.
But she treats me like absolute shit. Almost all the time. She sneers at me. Cringes from me. Constantly tells me off. For breathing too loud. Making noises. Coughing.
Nothing I ever do seems to be enough.
We are currently on holiday just the 2 of us. In a very nice very expensive city. This morning on a tour she was charming and chatty to everyone else. Since then she has blanked me. Monosyllabic answers. We did an activity which was strained and painful.
Everything I've suggested or tried to speak to her has got monosyllabic answers. We ate dinner in silence.
And when I eventually give up, feeling sad and defeated. She then wants to know what's wrong with me. When I point out that she's barely spoken to me in 5 hours I'm being ridiculous.
We've now stormed off in opposite directions. She's gone back to the hotel. She's fine it's very safe 2 mins away.
I am sat outside the ice cream place crying. Every time this happens I swear I won't bother again. But of course I'm the parent so I do. But it's so very wearing.

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 05/08/2022 12:00

Goldencarp
Yes, I didn't talk to my parents like that either because I was scared of them. People are different as are kids. There's an implication that your kids don't do it because of your parental skills. It's not that simple. I consider myself a good parent and I did my best. There is a difference between consequences for bad behaviour and recognising when a child is struggling. When my child was distressed, and shouting at me I focussed on her distress not the outbursts.

Bubbafly · 05/08/2022 12:07

crossstitchingnana · 05/08/2022 12:00

Goldencarp
Yes, I didn't talk to my parents like that either because I was scared of them. People are different as are kids. There's an implication that your kids don't do it because of your parental skills. It's not that simple. I consider myself a good parent and I did my best. There is a difference between consequences for bad behaviour and recognising when a child is struggling. When my child was distressed, and shouting at me I focussed on her distress not the outbursts.

And again great points @crossstitchingnana

TSwizzlescat · 05/08/2022 12:09

I don't have any advice but I can assure you you aren't alone. My DD 14 has been like this for about a year. Her older sister and I feel like we are treading on eggshells constantly around her. It feels very much like it did when her dad was still living with us. I'm very calm, never rise to her and put firm boundaries in place whilst also being loving and caring. When she is awful I make it very clear that it's the behaviour that's the problem, not her. So far it makes absolutely fuck all difference and I regularly get told I'm a bitch, she hates me and she is going to live with her dad as I'm so awful because he loves her (eg he doesn't put any ground rules in place and throws money at her to keep her quiet). It's absolutely heartbreaking and exhausting.

crossstitchingnana · 05/08/2022 12:13

bendmeoverbackwards

It is really hard, weathering a storm is a good analogy.

I suppose I just told her how much I loved her, how I knew she was struggling and that things would get better. I praised the tiniest thing. Like if I asked her to do something and she responded calmly. It was like she was a toddler again. To punish her or take her stuff away felt wrong, but as I said before I did tell her it was not acceptable. I see teens as learning to be adults and they won't always get it right.

My dd, now 22, tells me how this approach helped her and she has apologised for her behaviour. I am happy with this outcome. If I had have taken a punitive line then I fear she would have pushed back and possibly come to harm (by running away or something.)

It will get better, try not to take it personally- I mean so we take a toddler tantrum to heart? When a 2 year old says they hate us? No. Same thing. Honest!!

Lots of luck.

Blueberrywitch · 05/08/2022 12:18

OP, you say you’re in a beautiful city with her which is great - are you treating her like you would if you were on holiday with a friend? Does she get to input on activities, are you both having enough alone time, are you being nice and joking or are you being too full on? I remember being annoyed with my mothers breathing when I was a teenager. A few years ago she came to visit me and I had assumed my teen behaviour was just teen angst, but good god she was horrible to holiday with. She would insist we wake up at 5/6am, she would insist we do the activities she wanted, she talked continuously - literally couldn’t have 30 seconds of silence to just relax and read a book. I realised swiftly that my teenage angst was just a massive clash of personalities.

I’m not saying blame yourself at all, I’m just saying check that you’re being the kind of company a friend would enjoy.

teanbiscuitio · 05/08/2022 12:19

crossstitchingnana · 05/08/2022 12:00

Goldencarp
Yes, I didn't talk to my parents like that either because I was scared of them. People are different as are kids. There's an implication that your kids don't do it because of your parental skills. It's not that simple. I consider myself a good parent and I did my best. There is a difference between consequences for bad behaviour and recognising when a child is struggling. When my child was distressed, and shouting at me I focussed on her distress not the outbursts.

The kids don't do it because they know there will be negative consequences if they do. ASD or not, failing to give negative feedback to negative behaviour is making a rod for your own back. It's weak parenting and you do the child no favours.

mycatisannoying · 05/08/2022 18:42

Well, this won't be popular, but my 16 year old daughter is a torn-faced pain in the tits. She'd never have survived my working-class Glaswegian upbringing!
I adore her, but for fuck's sake, give me something back.

Hankunamatata · 05/08/2022 19:15

Teens can be such assholes even without additional issues. Iv found having a book with me or game on phone when mine go single word answers, one mine has asd and just shuts down when it's been busy. Mine tend to need lots of down time alone.
But I also dont accept being called names or being insulted. I usually reply that's unkind and walk away. At home I say same if they follow me trying to pick fight then I say consequence like turning off wifi.

Iv have counselling myself as that helps my feelings around parenting and gives me a recharge.
Iv done lots work with counsellors with my dc around them recognising own feelings, identifying asd needs/emotions they have and how they can meet them themselves without exploding or crippling anxiety.

SherbertLemonDrop · 05/08/2022 19:24

Sounds like autism op. You are her safe place. The world is exhausting and you see the real her. Sitting in silence is OK she just needs that time. Really sorry if it's not and I'm talking rubbish, it just seems very familiar.

isadoradancing123 · 05/08/2022 19:24

Why do you accept this behaviour from her, she does it because you allow it

bendmeoverbackwards · 05/08/2022 19:42

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons yes it is completely exhausting sometimes. I’m my 15 year old DD’s safe person and sometimes I feel like I’m at her beck and call constantly. I’ve been trying to detangle myself a bit from her lately and set some healthy boundaries for both our sakes. She often demands I answer her calls and texts straight away, now sometimes I don’t.

bendmeoverbackwards · 05/08/2022 19:46

Thank you @crossstitchingnana very wise words. I tell her I love her all the time, not sure she believes me. And when I praise her, she sees it as patronising! I try and ignore as much as possible and keep calm if I can. She does also have a very sweet, funny and lovely side so I try and remember those times.

bendmeoverbackwards · 05/08/2022 19:47

I also remember being a bit of a shit to my mum in my teens and and that was without any additional needs. I remember thinking I was being horrible and unpleasant to my mum but couldn’t help it.

teanbiscuitio · 05/08/2022 19:48

bendmeoverbackwards · 05/08/2022 19:42

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons yes it is completely exhausting sometimes. I’m my 15 year old DD’s safe person and sometimes I feel like I’m at her beck and call constantly. I’ve been trying to detangle myself a bit from her lately and set some healthy boundaries for both our sakes. She often demands I answer her calls and texts straight away, now sometimes I don’t.

"Sometimes" you don't. We have a brave one here.

AIBU to hate my 14yr old
whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 05/08/2022 19:59

My DS is 9 and it was like an abusive relationship. I left his abusive father and was really angry to be dealing with yet another bully at home. Then I started to say "no" to him all the times I WANTED to say "no". And to remind him that I am the boss in this house. Surprisingly, it worked!

I think he needed to feel safe, to feel that he has someone to keep things (and emotions) in order.

But it took me years since the separation to get strong enough to do it. Before that, DS's tantrums used to overwhelm me.

Pashazade · 05/08/2022 20:03

Just as a suggestion if you think she may suffer from auditory overwhelm "loop" earplugs are great. I have several ND friends who swear by them, they don't stop you hearing what's going on but they drop the level of background noise and can take one level of stress away.

itsgettingweird · 05/08/2022 20:05

Anxiety doesn't make people rude.

Asd doesn't make people rude.

If she can't manage these tours because being in front of others takes it out of her that she then comes by abusing you means you shouldn't be doing those in the first place. It's beyond what she can cope with.

Camhs told me when ds has extreme anxiety (he has asd) to strip everything back until he could cope. No demands at all. Then add things in small doses. And when he couldn't cope strip back a bit more and explain to him why. They said he needs to learn to only do what he can manage as opposed to do more than he can cope with and fall apart - especially when that impacts others (me - because I'm also a LP)

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 05/08/2022 21:33

Google 'partnering not parenting' Suzanne alderton.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 05/08/2022 21:37

*suzanne alderson sorry

ExtraOnion · 05/08/2022 21:56

My 16 year old DD has just been diagnosed as ASD.

I remember 14, before we knew what we were dealing with, as being horrific. She was abusive (verbally and physically), she was rude, she wouldn’t speak to us at all at one point, she wouldn’t leave her room (never mind the house) - her room was rank. They were horrible days.
She didn’t attend school in Y10 & Y11, due to anxiety.. and yes I did try “taking away her electronics” etc - did not work
luckily we found a local organisation who arranged a counsellor, we got to CAMHS (and started the long process of diagnosis), and we went on a Mindfull Parenting course. The course made a huge difference, I changed how I was parenting her. She felt better with a diagnosis (and she had been spiralling with “what’s wrong with me”) for years.
we have a great relationship now - she’s off to college in September. Although she did make it in for all of her exams she did no work, so not expecting the 5 she needs for A-Levels. New college have been really supportive - she has a place no matter what - it might be a BTEC though.
we are finally getting an EHCP as well - hurray !

These days will pass

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2022 08:21

Funny isn’t it we get called a brigade yet I have 4 kids and have never been spoken to like that 🙄. My mum had 6 kids, 4 of us were teens at the same time, none of us spoke to either of our parents like that either! Some parents look for excuses to justify their teens acting like that.

You are a brigade though aren't you ? The 'I'm a perfect parent my child would never behave Iike that' they are rife on mumsnet.

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2022 08:21

@teanbiscuitio oh do bore off !!

Passtherioja · 06/08/2022 11:38

I feel like I've just come back from an almost identical holiday with my 16Yo. We're home now and I feel so deflated and upset. I can't offer any advice but will have a good read through the comments to see if anyone can help us.

teanbiscuitio · 06/08/2022 13:44

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2022 08:21

Funny isn’t it we get called a brigade yet I have 4 kids and have never been spoken to like that 🙄. My mum had 6 kids, 4 of us were teens at the same time, none of us spoke to either of our parents like that either! Some parents look for excuses to justify their teens acting like that.

You are a brigade though aren't you ? The 'I'm a perfect parent my child would never behave Iike that' they are rife on mumsnet.

There's no claims of perfect

teanbiscuitio · 06/08/2022 13:47

...parenting, but there is pointing out that tolerating rudeness is obviously going to lead to more rudeness. This is the basics.