AIBU to hate my 14yr old

[memorial]

I know it sounds dramatic but I almost feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with her.
DD2 is 14. We are a single parent family. She suffers from anxiety and we have put a lot if effort into trying to help. She is currently having private counselling.
But she treats me like absolute shit. Almost all the time. She sneers at me. Cringes from me. Constantly tells me off. For breathing too loud. Making noises. Coughing.
Nothing I ever do seems to be enough.
We are currently on holiday just the 2 of us. In a very nice very expensive city. This morning on a tour she was charming and chatty to everyone else. Since then she has blanked me. Monosyllabic answers. We did an activity which was strained and painful.
Everything I've suggested or tried to speak to her has got monosyllabic answers. We ate dinner in silence.
And when I eventually give up, feeling sad and defeated. She then wants to know what's wrong with me. When I point out that she's barely spoken to me in 5 hours I'm being ridiculous.
We've now stormed off in opposite directions. She's gone back to the hotel. She's fine it's very safe 2 mins away.
I am sat outside the ice cream place crying. Every time this happens I swear I won't bother again. But of course I'm the parent so I do. But it's so very wearing.

This!

There are lots of very defensive and verging on nasty posts on here, obviously nerves are being touched.

I wasn't nice as a teen, in fact I was a horrible shit to my mother but I never made her cry and certainly not in public. I would have been mortified if I had. No idea if I'm NT or ND but it is used more and more as an excuse on MN for some truly horrible behaviour by males and females of all ages.

OP - I hope you're not sharing a room with your DD so you can get some space. I'm not surprised you feel like you hate her - I think that's pretty natural when someone you love is relentlessly vile to you. If you are sharing a room I would just take her home today. Tell her exactly why, ignore the histrionics. Maybe get some earbuds for yourself to drown her out. I guess her sibling comes in for the same abuse too?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy and here comes another ignorant post.

It's little comfort, but she behaves like that to you because you are her safe space.

I can only guess, but maybe she hoped that the holiday would magically solve everything and just go well. And now, when her perceived reality is as troublesome as at home, it feels even worse.

As in any other helping dear one case, your wellbeing is vital here, so it would be ok to set some boundaries about what behaviour really gets on you, it would be ok for you to set an hour of me time, or pick some activity based on your preference.
If it was the teenage me, the last point would really help, agreeing a schedule as "one for me" (when I can pick something silly, even doing nothing, but have the power to decide) and "one for mum" (when she sets that she is a separate person with her own wishes) would work much better than them selecting based on what they expected me to want (so they felt they were adjusting for me and I felt I was dragged by their wishes all the time).

Tbh is sounds like healthy teenage behaviour! Teens are supposed to withdraw from the tight knit family, ready to leave the nest and explore the world. She sounds suffocated to me. Do you live in each other’s pockets? Might be healthy to spend some time apart.

I wouldn't skirt around the issue with her. I would treat her as an adult, just explain that you wouldn't tolerate such treatment from a friend /colleague so why should you from her? If it continues, unfortunately you won't be going out of your way to treat her again it's not deserved. You cannot treat people the way she is treating you without consequences regardless of if she has anxiety /depression or asd.
I think a lot of teens treat their parents this way at this age, be there for her and still show her love etc but the treats should stop whilst she's being so disrespectful.
How much longer do you have on the trip? I would be tempted to cut it short

....but the OP is pussyfooting around her daughter. She's trying to be friends rather than enforcing boundaries and correcting unacceptable behaviour.

Your DD needs to feel the consequences of her nasty behaviour, so I'd go home if I were you. That doesn't sound like a pleasant holiday at all.

I don't completely agree here, it doesn't have to be one or the other. One part of managing anxiety is learning positive and healthy coping strategies that take effort to develop, alongside other interventions. The OPs DDs current coping strategy is a negative and damaging one, to use her mum as a target for her anxiety and negative feelings. That's not acceptable no matter how attributable it is to anxiety - and moving through life acting like this will set her up for broken relationships and more unhappiness - and it's very upsetting for the OP.

The OP being supportive but also pushing back on this behaviour is the only way her DD is going to move in a good direction.

Op I have been through what you are going through now. I really, really sympathise as it is hellish while you are on the receiving end. I had the sneering too. It's getting better now that my DD is an older teenager. Hold on to the fact that things will improve.

It's very hard but you need to try and not take it personally but it really got me down until I was considering ADs. Don't let it get to that point! Do everything you can to be busy with your own projects and hobbies. Do things to make yourself feel happy and fulfilled and get some rl support from friends and family. Be less available to her, while keeping the lines of communication open to her for the important stuff.

Her teenage urge is to break herself off from you and to individuate herself. And to have more freedom and independence. But she may not feel entirely confident about that yet and she is very like you, and of course she loves you and you are close, so she basically has a need to be horrible to you and to reject you in order to move on if that makes sense! But she still needs you there in the background as security!

And of course for someone wishing to be free and independent, a holiday with mum when you are together all day every day is going to exacerbate this issue. Next time I would go with a mix of friends maybe of your age and hers?

I suggest you read Untangled by Lisa Damour.

And listen to two of Susie Orbach's podcasts on BBC1 concerning Amelia and Grace (there are two episodes).

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07v33xy

She doesn't deal with the vile behaviour and the sneering from the teen and how that makes us as mothers feel but she does deal with how the teen is feeling, which is interesting.

Good luck and don't forget that just by being there and being a solid, consistent presence in her life, you are doing her the world of good. It can be an utterly thankless task at this age but it does get better I promise!

When I read your post, my instinct is your dd is ASD. Read up of it, accept it, change your behaviour accordingly and there is a more than 50% chance your relationship will improve massively. I had to train myself, as dealing with someone who is autistic comes not easily to me at all. An eye opener and game changer was when I realised that what I saw as a grumpy, almost disgusted face was her 'resting face', how she looks when everything is fine and she is just not masking. When you are autistic, being happy is not automatically connected to looking happy. 'Looking happy' is hard work for autistic people and can stress and tire them so much, that they get grumpy. Try to connect on a deeper level with her, beyond the obvious, by remaining calm and happy even if she can't show it that she loves you/is enjoying herself. Also try not to talk to her while looking at her. Sit side by side. Try and find something she enjoys doing (a sport, craft, watching a movie) together, rather than just hanging out. If she is ASD, it's 'not her fault', it's not as if she is not grateful, or mean. Always remember that, and have your brain override your feelings/instinctive responses.

I have a child with (diagnosed) ASD and if he is rude/disrespectful, I tell him he's being rude or disrespectful. How else is he supposed to learn? I'm not doing him or us any favours by saying, "well it's not his fault l" (which it isn't - he does find it hard to know social cues etc), "I won't bother trying to correct that behaviour, we just need to live with it"...

I absolutely understand masking, but it's not ok to take all of your anger out on one person, parent or otherwise. Most people with ASD are perfectly capable of understanding that their behaviour can impact others and know not to be dicks.

You have my sympathy OP - she sounds awful (to you). It’s a good sign that she knows how to behave nicely when with other people however. I guess you’re her “safe” person she can show her dark moods to. It’s a difficult age and I hope you can have a much better relationship when she’s older and more mature

I think you should also take a look at how your own behaviour will be impacting your daughters behaviour too. You shouldn't be arguing with her, "storming off" and sitting in public crying. Discipline her like a parent instead of throwing tantrums just because she wasn't in the mood to be chatty.

Tbh is sounds like healthy teenage behaviour!

nope. Having read OPs update about, say, seams in clothes - it seems there are other things at play here. And I'll say again - even if there aren't things such as ADHD, ASD or anxiety at play here (although it seems there is definitely anxiety?) it is well worth trying out some of the tactics recommended for ADHD to help them, and those around them, cope with the world.

Hugs, OP. Been there. We are through it and while we do have our moments, they are normal disagreements rather than the screaming episodes that happened in the past.

I know it's upsetting but you have to learn not to let it bother you. She only does it because she can and because she gets a reaction. If you were indifferent to her insults, why would she bother?

My ds went through a stage of telling me he hated me. I just smiled and said 'yup, I'm Cruella deVille' and carried on being nice to him. After a while he gave up.

Maybe you are trying too hard to be her friend rather than her parent.

If you've got anxiety and potential asd in the mix I'd say this behaviour is anxiety related. My dd is the same, it's hard! She will be masking when chatty with others, this will drain her and you get the consequences, a quiet or snappy and rude child. When mine gets like this it's time to go low arousal or back home if out.

Funny isn’t it we get called a brigade yet I have 4 kids and have never been spoken to like that 🙄. My mum had 6 kids, 4 of us were teens at the same time, none of us spoke to either of our parents like that either! Some parents look for excuses to justify their teens acting like that.

Sending love and hugs OP. It's rough being the parent of a troubled teen. I'm there too. I read once that when an adult wants you to love them they show you their best side, when a child wants you to love them they show you their worst. She is pushing and pushing and pushing because part of her is terrified you will walk away. Some great advice here. Hope it helps you both

Wow! Nice.

i have a great, open relationship with my kids, thanks.

my mum was very strict and I have a great relationship with her too.

Great post @crossstitchingnana I am currently struggling with my 15 year old ASD who struggles to control her emotions but thankfully I’ve seen evidence lately of the decent person underneath. Can I ask you how you showed your love for her? My DD’s self esteem is a bit low, she often asks me if I love her, asks if I’m sure. I think she hates her own behaviour and thinks we see her as a ‘problem’. I am always reassuring, tell her it’s hard being a teen and that it will pass. When she’s feeling calm and settled she’ll thank me for the things I do for her which is lovely. But I wish she’d feel more secure in my love for her.

@crossstitchingnana Absolutely great post.

I went through hell with one of my daughters( I have 3, all treated the same, all brought up in the same house, 2 of them never even dared to tell me to shut up but one went off the rails and it was so hard. I was her emotional punchbag, the place where she vented, where she felt safe to let loose. It was very hard, I took it personally every time, I tried punishment's, grounding, taking her phone etc to no avail. It nearly broke me. Turns out she had anxiety and depression.

I learned to weather the storm though, I learned how to pick my battles and things did improve. Little by little. She is now 19 and cringes when she thinks of her angry 14 year old self and we have an amazing relationship.

Don't even read the "I wouldn't stand for that" from the Bullshit Brigade. ALL kids are different, some are easier to raise than others, some have issues and some don't.

I parented all 3 girls in the same way, I was strict but fair. Only one ever acted out. The other 2 never gave me a moment's trouble. Same house, same rules, same parents, same discipline. Just not the same children.

It can be true, but sometimes it's far from comforting. 3 Autistic DC and I'm there only safe person, just me. It's often overwhelming and exhausting.