AIBU to hate my 14yr old

[memorial]

I know it sounds dramatic but I almost feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with her.
DD2 is 14. We are a single parent family. She suffers from anxiety and we have put a lot if effort into trying to help. She is currently having private counselling.
But she treats me like absolute shit. Almost all the time. She sneers at me. Cringes from me. Constantly tells me off. For breathing too loud. Making noises. Coughing.
Nothing I ever do seems to be enough.
We are currently on holiday just the 2 of us. In a very nice very expensive city. This morning on a tour she was charming and chatty to everyone else. Since then she has blanked me. Monosyllabic answers. We did an activity which was strained and painful.
Everything I've suggested or tried to speak to her has got monosyllabic answers. We ate dinner in silence.
And when I eventually give up, feeling sad and defeated. She then wants to know what's wrong with me. When I point out that she's barely spoken to me in 5 hours I'm being ridiculous.
We've now stormed off in opposite directions. She's gone back to the hotel. She's fine it's very safe 2 mins away.
I am sat outside the ice cream place crying. Every time this happens I swear I won't bother again. But of course I'm the parent so I do. But it's so very wearing.

YANBU, OP. I really feel for you.

My friend has a teen DS who has extreme anxiety, PTSD, is agoraphobic and is awaiting assessment for ASD (after being under CAMHS for nearly 6 years, they have finally agreed that he might be ASD). She has next to no life.

When she goes out, he often has meltdowns. If she goes out, she has to tell him how long she will be away from the home for. He invariably has a massive meltdown if she's not back by the time she says, he has a meltdown, and while she's out he constantly rings her to ask her when she's coming back. If she's more than 5 minutes away, he gets really distressed and abusive, telling her she doesn't care about him etc.

He frequently wakes in the night in a panic and gets into her bed, so she rarely gets a full night's sleep. She can't watch tv or read for more than a couple of hours without him getting upset about something and needing her attention. He will no longer go and spend time with his father because he doesn't feel "safe" there.

She's getting close to the end of her tether, and is just praying that when he reaches the age where he no longer comes under CAMHS, he'll get better help from adult MH services. I haven't dared tell her how unlikely this is.

I really fear that this will break her, and quite understand how it's possible to feel as though you hate a child who is so hard to love.

@crossstitchingnana we're not a brigade. This is just what normal parenting looks like. You are looking for reasons to excuse unacceptable behaviour. Behaviour even the child knows is wrong because she won't do it to other people.

Instead of correcting the behaviour, you are looking for excuses to avoid confronting the issue (which is what led to the problem in the first place). Negative actions need negative consequences, that's how life works.

This. Very insightful.

I have ADHD. I remember cringing and being embarrassed by my parents’ every move inwardly as a teen. I remember wanting to scream no to every request. Did I ever let this show on the outside - absolutely not. I was raised to be respectful and polite regardless of what I wanted to do on the inside- especially to my parents. So I have never rolled my eyes at my parents, never ignored them, never shouted at them or said anything mean to them, and I never will.

I think this is very much a cultural thing- a difference that I noticed with British families vs non white immigrant families. Growing up visiting my white friends I was shocked by the way they spoke to their parents. Telling them things like “Go away”, “you’re boring”, saying “no” and “yes” without adding “thank you” or “please” to the end, sneering, being sarcastic, being ungrateful for gifts and treats. It was truly shocking. Their was little difference between the way my white British NT and ND teenage friends treated their parents. Their parents would laugh it off and joke about what teens are like. I can tell you that I have never ever seen any of my friends from my parents’ culture speak to their to their parent like that and I never will. If you expect and allow shitty treatment from anyone, including teenagers, then that is what you will get.

Anxiety, ADHD etc- that is not an excuse to be unkind or target and bully someone. Obviously it requires a different approach - maybe a holiday was a bit much for your daughter. But I would still expect respect, gratitude and kindness from my child, even if they are finding it hard to like or love me at that stage.

@teanbiscuitio yet again proving my point that you know nothing about ASD. The reason the OP dd is nice to everyone but her mum is called masking my own dd does it and she has ASD by the way. She knows she can be awful to me as I am her safe space she masks with everyone else. So take your 'normal parenting' line and shove it.

No because they aren’t.

In other words, you're the only one who doesn't give negative feedback to her bad behaviour. Therefore she continues to be rude to only you. Funny that.

@memorial

Sorry haven't read all the replies but wanted to say that unless she has a long history of this type of behaviour I wouldn't be too quick to try and diagnose some sort of ASD. Teenage years are hard and full of hormones, unfamiliar emotions, judgment, and self doubt. Anxiety is common but she should be ok in the long run

I clearly remember being on a bus with my mum ( at 14) and she got up from her seat to exit but in my opinion far too early and I was mortified. I would have preferred to wait until the bus stop. I was very angry with her. To this day I still can't explain why I felt the way I did ( there were none of my peers on the bus to be embarrassed by) but I just remember that feeling of everyone watching us and judging why we'd stood up so early. Ridiculous but at the time it was very real and my mum was at a loss!

There were a few similar incidences like this over the years

Anyway, I'm fine. I grew up fine and stable and have a nice relationship with my mum

@teanbiscuitio as I've said numerous times you know nothing about ASD.

Honestly? She's a teenager. 14 is possibly THE most teenager age. This is normal! Why do people feel it's necessary to pathologise everything? It is also totally normal to be anxious about things sometimes. The world is big and unpredictable and she is beginning to understand her place in it.

She's going through huge hormonal changes in her brain and she is naturally pulling away from her family unit and into the world. It's not a straightforward process, there will be ups and downs.

But concerned about you saying you 'hate' her though. You need to take a step back and not take it so personally.

I was also wondering if she has something like an undiagnosed ASD. Could the irritability at your breathing, making noises etc be sensory? Did she spend all her energy in the morning masking and was then too burned out for the rest of the day to engage with you?
If a psychologist has already queried ASD I would start to look into how parenting an autistic child is different from parenting a neurotypical child and see if any of these strategies help. May be worth looking at how to pace those activities throughout the day to avoid burnout if that's what's going on. Also if she is autistic being in a different environment will probably be adding to the stress.
I think it's worth doing a full assessment so you both know what's going on. It she's autistic then great you know what's going on and if she's not then you can rule it out

My dn was horrible to her parents as a teen.
She doesn't have ASD but she has anxiety, so does my dd.
The difference is dd would never speak to us like that because she wasn't pandered to.
My dsis totally pandered to dn.
Always tried to find a sad reason for her dd's shitty behaviour.

Can't comment on ASD as have no experience.

Sorry OP, hope its a phase that passes.
Something I learned is that people treat you how you treat yourself.
You are equally as important as your dd, it's your holiday too.
Make this clear to dd.
Don't let your dd spoil it.

Through Barbados's and autism West Midlands. It was during the pandemic though but it's worth seeing if the help they were offering then is still available x

If she hasn't taken any notice of you telling her off then you need to go up a level. Removal of phone, or Wi-Fi etc all work very well. There is no reason why you should put up with her being so horrible to you. She does it because she can.

Going to remember this for my own DD. Thanks that was really insightful.

OP I think a lot of teems are like this, the difference is you are bearing the brunt on your own rather than having another parent to share an eye roll with. It’s not you, you don’t hate her, she’s projecting her emotions onto you because it is safe for her to do so. I know that doesn’t make it any easier to cope with but if you see it as a set of behaviours that your daughter displays at the moment rather than who she is in a fixed sense maybe it will help. I try to do that with my toddler DD and it takes the heat out of tantrums etc for me.

My dd was so abusive towards me I ended up under the domestic violence team. This was also as a result of anxiety.
BeforeI finally cracked and she went into a residential setting at 17 I hated her and the impact she was having on me and everyone else. My mental health was so low at that time I used to have dreams that she'd died and id wake up relieved. It was horrific and I felt the effect on me was minimised by others partly because she was female and also because she was my dd.
Things are a lot better now mainly because of space and time which are both good healers and we have a much healthier relationship 6 years on.

Sorry but none of the 'oh she's anxious/depressed/ADHD/PTSD' excuses stand for being a rude little brat. And you let her get away with it every time.

Cancel the holiday, take her home and tell her it's due to her behaviour. If she's capable of being polite and sociable with everyone else, she can do it with you too.

one of my DCs was like this. She was finally (as an adult) diagnosed with BPD and ADHD. The insight was useful.

One thing that really helped was that they got earbuds and listens either to music or white noise when out and about. At the time we were going through it (absolutely the same: they would be sweetness and light to everyone else, so much so that i often got complimented on how lovely and helpful and friendly they are) it was awful. They would be nice to people, vile to me, silent treatment (mostly because I'd try to carry on as normal but in the face of silence just gave up) and then demands of "what's wrong?" as though they had done nothing.

Sometimes I'd bite and explain that they had been vile ("you're embarassing" "why do you do that" - lick an ice cream cone or something completely normal - "you're breathing too loud" "i can hear you chew/drink") and it would be denied and there would be screaming (sometimes on both sides, I'm only human).

The diagnosis triggered a lot of introspection in them, and a bit of research by both of us - and we have a much much better relationship.

So even if she doesn't have ADHD or something, OP, look up some of the tactics people use, it could make a big difference.

Long long history. Always anxious (I used to think needy) child. Always sensory issues. Socks and knicker seams as a child. Always my "irritable" child.

Life with teenage girls. It's truly a joyous thing!
I have 3 and you have my sympathy!

This is really really insightful. And has actually been really enlightening to me.

I wasn't quite as bad as your daughter OP, I didn't have the confidence to directly criticise my parents like that, but I was permanently in a state of being embarrassed by them. They never really did anything specific, looking back they were just normal people, but everything they did was too loud, too much, too attention seeking etc to me. I hated spending time in public with them because I felt like everyone was looking at them and cringing for me.

It's only really now reading this post (I'm 42 by the way so it's been a long time until I have realised this!) that I have actually been able to see that it was me that was the problem. I was an incredibly anxious and self conscious teen, it was crippling at points, and I had almost zero self esteem. I actually now think I was projecting a fear of me being noticed or seen as 'cringe' onto my parents and finding everything they did cringey.

I have wondered, as an adult, why I'm never embarrassed or concerned about being in public with other people in the way that I was as a teen. I never think that other people (apart from my children!) are reflecting badly on me or anything. But actually I think this is because I am now much more confident and secure in myself, and don't see everyone else's behaviours as a reflection of my own.

Honestly, this is a bit of a revelation.

So OP, what I would try to do is work on her confidence and self esteem. She may appear outwardly confident but inside she is dying of self consciousness and terrified that people are looking at her. I know this isn't an overnight thing you can change obviously, but it will be so worth it for her.

Teenagers are hard work so don’t feel bad about finding this stage difficult.

What I found the biggest adjustment is they go from being really chatty, happy and constantly in your face to being much more withdrawn and quiet.
The most important thing is that you don’t take this behaviour personally.

Her being moody to you and nice to everyone else just means that she’s comfortable being herself around you and has to put on a show for everyone else.

I do remember my mum getting on my nerves for literally doing nothing wrong and that’s completely normal.
I remember I think it was David Beckham said his son didn’t want to walk next to him because he was so embarrassed by his dad.

I find that teens need time on their own and not be sociable. The more they need to be sociable the more irritable they become.

In the evenings is there somewhere she can go on her own or she can just watch TV and play on her phone and you can just watch it quietly or go and do your own thing.

It’s more heightened because you’re in each other’s space too much and her having some time to herself everyday will help a bit.

As the PP said it comes from a place of feeling very self aware and thinking everyone is looking at you and judging you - which is why teens are so self conscious, how body image issues start and why they don’t want to do anything that’s seen as immature or anything as they really care what everyone thinks about them at that age.

That’s exhausting!
And as someone who used to suffer from anxiety it’s very easy to snap or be moody towards loved ones as you’re ok high alert all of the time.

My DD is also 14 and I wanted to book a holiday too but as a single parent I’m wondering whether to leave it a bit longer until she’s out of this self conscious phase.

Wow, what genius advice! Why didn’t everyone else in this situation think of that? Have you ever thought about writing a book on parenting?

You're clearly too involved in trying to be your daughters friend. She's 14 years old ffs, ALL teenagers are like this to an extent. Take a step back and just be her parent.