To think if people use she/him, other people shouldn't use they/them

[CourtneeLuv]

As the title says, aibu in thinking that if someone uses Dh/Ds/Dd and she/him in their op, regarding who they're griping about, other posters shouldn't refer to them as they/them?

If you do this, why do you do it?

How do you know you won't offend the op/subject of the post by erasing their sex/gender/identity/etc?

I would be very 🤨 if someone did this to me in real life.

But it obviously isn't.

Make it like that if you want but I’m not ashamed actually

I’m a disability parent. I know what it is to have to world be inaccesible to your child for a variety of reasons

much as you might like to you cannot make the world to suit only you
People often have conflicting needs and while we can expect (or rather fight for) reasonable adaptations like ramps/lifts, quiet shopping hours and much wider use of social stories to aid community access

you absolutely cannot expect people en masse to change the language they use about themselves to suit you or your dc.

it’s a big confusing world, shielding them from use of the word they is the least of their problems frankly

I get what you mean op.

I agree.

You aren't speaking about when it's grammatically correct to use theirs, but when it would've been grammatically correct to stick to his/hers.

It's very confusing and jarrs.

Firstly you’re just wrong. It simply is not that straight forward. If you think it is then I would advise you to seek your biology education from someone educated beyond secondary level, ideally who is associated with an academic institution and not just on YouTube

secondly when someone’s sex is unknown they is the convention

dr brown is new, they only started here on Monday.

it’s really not new or complex

You obviously don’t have contact with anyone with more than a mild language deficit. @SomePosters your prioritising of ramps and access for physical disability speaks volumes. If you choose to embrace a language style that excludes those already struggling on the fringes of the group then you are just as responsible for excluding them as you would be if you refused guide dogs or ramps or hearing aides. If you choose to describe supporting disabled people as “shielding them from the world” then I’d say you are SO privileged that you can’t even see how revolting that is.

If your friends given name was Stephanie but she recently had started going by her middle name Brianne, would you insist on using Stephanie because you prefer to and it's her given name and you don't have to police your own speech?

And honestly OP if someone using they on a thread about you makes you feel they're denying your sex you need to have a word with yourself

You can't tell when people are doing it because it's something only a tiny tiny minority people give a shit about

Me too

If this is true, I am all the more surprised that you seem to believe that the claims of one group to change language to suit them should be accommodated automatically, and the claims of those who struggle with that should be completely disregarded.
it only makes sense if you accept that the first group has a right to be privileged over the other. That is ableism in its purest form.

This is strongly worded, but I agree with it.

This physician needs to heal herself first, I reckon.

I've honestly only seen this in the opening post to hide the sex of the person concerned, never in replies. If people do it in their replies it's usually the grammatically correct version as an alternative to saying something like "husband" all the time.

As an English teacher, I would say that slipping into they/their, when the singular pronoun would be the more appropriate one, is a very common grammatical mistake. I don’t think, in the majority of posts, it would be a conscious decision.

And like another person on here I grew up with "who's she, the cat's mother?" That stays with you.

I do it (in real life conversations too) because that is how I've always used the English language. I'm from the North East originally, we tend to use they/them a lot regardless of sex. No big deal. Language is used differently depending on where in the British Isles you are from. Shocking I know 🤣

I'm not annoyed at all. Is there something wrong with your comprehension? I just wonder why people do it.

This faux innocence is way more annoying than any grammatical error, or even deliberate use of they. At least be honest about your intentions when you start a thread to stir something up.

I use "they" as a singular pronoun quite often, despite knowing the sex of the person being referred to. I consider it to be a perfectly acceptable alternative to he or she despite knowing it is grammatically incorrect. (I wouldn't use interchangeably in formal writing but, equally, I would never end a sentence with a preposition in formal writing but, in speech or informal writing, it's not something I'm fussy about.)

I suspect that it derives from growing up in the era when we moved from using the default male in all circumstances to being inclusive of women (eg "When a customer comes into the shop, ask them if they need help", rather than "...ask him if he needs help.") That change of usage, at a time when my language was developing and becoming cemented, means that I consider they interchangeable with he or she.

I do it. It's grammatically correct, it's not offensive, it occasionally covers up my forgetfulness. I really wish people would stop disingenuously reading 'literal violence' into perfectly polite posts and conversations.

For the autistic children surely it would be easier for them to just grasp 'they' too. Rather than he or she, they would be unchanging for everyone?? I made the original comment about my children with other identities and the conversation has branched off that but if we all use 'they' wouldn't that be easier in the long run?

But also for what it's worth my own children are very understanding of children with other needs. There would be no need for anyone to get their identity wrong though as they're male presenting and prefer he/they. I think anyone would use he if they met them

What does “male presenting” mean though? Biological sex is something we generally perceive immediately even if a person has made efforts to adopt appearance stereotypically associated with the other sex. If my DS perceives someone as female, he’s going to find it tough to understand why that person is insisting on being talked about using male or plural pronouns when they arent even present!
It is impossible to generalise about kids with ASD; some learn language relatively easily, others never do. One area that frequently presents difficulty in relation to expressive language, coincidentally, Is pronouns. This was true of my DS who simply missed them out of sentences for quite a long while after he had acquired expressive speech skills in line with his age in other respects. Having struggled with that and succeeded, is it fair to place the burden on him of learning a new set of rules? He already struggles to access certain areas of life. Is it fair to make it harder?
you also need to bear in mind that for some autistic people, the concept of a “gender identity” which can differ from their sexed body doesn’t make much sense; it’s simply not the way their brains work (a difficulty I confess I share).
so before making demands in this area of others, it’s right to consider whether they are equipped to meet those demands, and be careful to balance interests of others with your own. That’s just being a decent person.

@TullyApplebottom I just meant generally, in society if we all used they them it would just be easier for everyone, especially those who
might struggle

And genuinely no, my child is defo male presenting. No one would guess girl (and no one has since they changed) even when they lived as non binary they got he all the time

You've missed the point, though.

"Who's she - the cat's mother?" is used to remind children it's rude to use a third person pronoun when the person is present. For example, if you and your mother and father are in the same room and you point to your mum and say "she said to tell you dinner's ready". Traditionally, it's polite to say "Mum said to tell you dinner's ready." (Or "Jenny said to tell you dinner's ready" if you call your mum by her first name.) Saying "They said to tell you dinner's ready" is just as rude, and you'd get a "who's they - the cat's mother?" in return.

But since no other poster's "DH" or "DC" or whatever is here in the room with me while I'm typing, it's irrelevant to the OP's question.