To think if people use she/him, other people shouldn't use they/them

[CourtneeLuv]

As the title says, aibu in thinking that if someone uses Dh/Ds/Dd and she/him in their op, regarding who they're griping about, other posters shouldn't refer to them as they/them?

If you do this, why do you do it?

How do you know you won't offend the op/subject of the post by erasing their sex/gender/identity/etc?

I would be very 🤨 if someone did this to me in real life.

But they are not using the word incorrectly so why are you so bothered?

You seem to be annoyed by something you belive is wrong when it isnt, that is odd.

I guess you can't always tell what sex someone's partner is, or even guess the sex of an OP all the time. In terms of children once you've scrolled down a thread it's hard to remember whether it was a DS or a DD,similarly whether it was a DH or a DP, and I certainly can't be bothered to scroll back up.

I'm not annoyed at all. Is there something wrong with your comprehension? I just wonder why people do it.

I just wonder why people do it

Oh well your question has been answered then.
Forgetfulness is one reason.
It's correct use of the words is another.

As the title says, aibu in thinking that if someone uses Dh/Ds/Dd and she/him in their op, regarding who they're griping about, other posters shouldn't refer to them as they/them?

If you do this, why do you do it?

How do you know you won't offend the op/subject of the post by erasing their sex/gender/identity/etc?

I would be very 🤨 if someone did this to me in real life.

Its just the English language - are you not a native English speaker? Otherwise I don’t understand your confusion.

How do people have the time and energy to mull over this? There was a thread the other day about whether a chickpea curry should come with both rice and nan bread, or just the one. That’s worth significantly more headspace than this non-issue.

I just wonder why people do it.

I believe it’s commonly done when talking about someone you don’t personally know @CourtneeLuv Which is generally the case when discussing people’s DH, Dsis or whoever on MN. It also fits well when talking about a hypothetical person.

I hope that’s helpful and you now have one less nagging thought to keep you up at night. But if you still can’t sleep I’m sure you can do some further research on your phone - or start this thread again and use the title ‘Any linguists out there?’ Then you might get the detailed answer you seem to be craving. Otherwise my interpretation and ‘it’s the English language’ will have to do.

Who cares

More annoying is when you start reading a thread about DS and thinking it's son but it's sister or DF is friend not father.

It can be confusing to switch grammatical gender for the same person midsentence, because it reads like different people: my nephew's the youngest of five children and they always get babied. I don't think it's much of an issue on MN beyond that.

You're right that it can be upsetting in real life, though. A friend who is part of a WLM couple complains that she's constantly being referred to as they while her girlfriend is she, apparently because she dresses like a twelve year old boy and has short hair while her girlfriend's often in skirt suits and heels and has long hair. They're both she, though, and both have fairly common trad women's first names. It's rude to "they" a specific individual without being asked.

I believe it’s commonly done when talking about someone you don’t personally know CourtneeLuv Which is generally the case when discussing people’s DH, Dsis or whoever on MN. It also fits well when talking about a hypothetical person.

Hypothethetical/non-specific person, sure: If the doctor suggests bedrest, you should take their advice. When the new baby comes, they'll sleep in our room until the nursery's done. If a Canadian enters on a tourist visa, they can only stay for three months. Not someone you don't know, though - you wouldn't say Joe Biden is giving their speech at 11 just because you don't know him personally. Same concept with your husband needs to improve their attitude.

Just put actual words then

You're overthinking.

My DH always puts butter on after the jam, aibu to think he's bu?
Have they always done this?

That's perfectly fine. It isn't trying to erase his identity or suggest he hasn't settled on one yet. It's just an acceptable way to refer to someone else.

OMG
Does it really matter?

I really struggle to see why you are offended by how other people write or speak. English might not be their first language. They might be dyslexic.
I was taught not to use someone's name or 'he' twice in a sentence, so I guess I might use 'he' once and 'they' a second time, depending on the grammar.

OP claims they aren't offended, they just wonder why people use language differently to them. Apparently if you don't specify sex, you're erasing their identity and op doesn't want their identity erased

First of all it's a forum and every one and every one is anonymous and can claim to be anything from a straight human to a purple butterfly so I don't really care it's a chat forum and who or what you are in the real world is irrelevant to me.

Second while I still have some some degree of free speech I will type how I like.

😂😂😂

I do this all the time OP.

The poster could write a very lengthy post about an issue with their DS.

I'll start typing a reply and ...whoosh... I've forgotten whether the child is a son or daughter. And if I come out of my reply I'll probably lose what I've written. So I just change my response to 'DC' and 'they' as I don't want to get the sex wrong and simply can't remember

I've found it's got worse with age 😆

So I think this is becoming an increasingly common thing, people using they even when he or she has already been used. I've even heard people recently, and more than one example, say things like "I saw her down by the river, they were getting into the car".

I find it really jarring but I am sure it is totally unconscious. I think people are picking it up because they hear it around so much.

I've always used they for strangers. They is acceptable. I was raised in the era of 'who's she - the cat's mother?'.

If your "identity" is so fragile that it can be erased by a strange on an anonymous online forum referring to you as "they" then you have bigger things to worry about than other people's use of grammar.

If its so offensive to call people that use they and them, she or him, then that works both ways in my opinion. If someone calls themselves she/her, you shouldn't call them they.

I'm not 'so bothered' or 'wound up' or whatever the professional obtuse or cantankerous keep posting, it's just common manners to refer to people the way they refer to themselves.

This is why I do it. And I say oh instead of partner or DH.

saw her down by the river, they were getting into the car".

if someone actually said that I’d assume the woman was with a second person. So if she wasn’t with a second person it would be an odd sentence 🤷🏻‍♀️

That would be a silly assumption then, given “they” has been used as a singular pronoun for a long time. But you know what they say about assumptions….

Using they/them to refer to a singular person if grammatically incorrect and really annoying. But, it is apparently ok if a person (singular) chooses to refer to themselves plurally i.e., them/they, despite the confusion it may cause