Laws of modern day mumsnet (Lighthearted)

[Dontstartthisagain]

A bit Baz Luhrmann style...

1. Always put Lighthearted in the subject title if it is indeed a piss take
2. You will always get mumsnet vipers take it seriously if it is stated "Lighthearted" in the title. Ignore them.
3. Expect at least a few of the first few replies to misinterpret, spin, twist, get offended by your original post. Expect it.
4. Grammar police are everywhere, they have nothing else to do whilst you seriously "don't have time for that shit" who does? Who cares?!
5. You will always be ridiculed if you ask a question. Regardless. On MN there's always a stupid question.
6. 80% repliers will not have read your OP properly and definitely not your updates...get popcorn
7. There's got to be more... feel free to add

If you work for the NHS you are automatically deified. Especially if you are a nurse.

OPs should really have to take a Mumsnet oath before posting, "I solemnly swear that my post shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I understand anything I say can be used against me in any way, including and not limited to my words being interpreted as having the opposite meaning then I intended. I understand any drip feed or words that could possibly contradict my OP will be held against me. Any infractions of this oath, real or imagined, including daring to be a step mother will result in being fed to a pit of merciless vipers and torn apart."

Despite having a 6-figure salary, managing a team of 100, having multiple degrees, spending all day in multi-million pound international negotiations, and having decades of experience in HR, you must always ask random strangers on MN for advice on how to tell your cleaner she’s not doing a good job or how to tell your MIL that you’re not coming for Christmas dinner

It’s actually OK to be a landlord, which only ever happened to you accidentally and there’s literally no way for you to stop being a landlord, and actually you’re an altruistic one doing societal good, and without you how would the world keep turning?

If you are short on money you can simply take in some ironing, the work is plentiful and well-paid.

Before starting a thread, make sure you check whether there are any other threads vaguely related to that topic

If your friend annoys you, cut them off. Block, delete, find new friends who match your specifications perfectly.

If your child is 18 their lives and decisions are absolutely none of your business. Have they got plans to buy a property yet?

If you expect any acknowledgment of your birthday, you are child-like and needy.

Hosting a baby shower or gender reveal is tacky narcissism of the highest order.

A wedding abroad? You cheeky fucker.

Equally, do 37mph in a 40mph and you are driving ridiculously slowly, holding everyone up and should not be on the road. Your licence should also be returned to DVLA.

Then within a handful of posts, more than one person will point out that it's "a limit not a target"...

Guests? You're going to have guests? As in, inconvenience your loved ones by making them leave their homes and interact with other people, and possibly even have to wear slightly smarter clothes, and travel to a venue, and maybe even - shock horror - have to spend some of their own money to attend, just because you're too selfish to get married in a hole in a ground at 4am with badgers as witnesses?

You self-centred Bridezilla. It's not all about you, you know.

😄😄😄

No one is allowed the buy a house in London at actual London prices - instead they must ditch their job/family/friends and move to rural Scotland where they can get a 500 bedroom castle for the same price as a studio flat in zone 2.

Be prepared to be accused of drip-feeding, even if you genuinely forgot to give an important detail which is necessary to give further context to the situation.

And another one from me 😆 Always announce a name change when doing some grand reveal on a crazy story as it’s ‘outing’. I just think that if it’s that ‘outing’ then anyone who knows the story will realise it’s you, surely! Maybe try a double bluff and use your own names and if anyone confronts you in real life say ‘oh, what a coincidence…they also have a pink llama, what are the odds?’ 😆

Moan about DH’s hobby but refuse to say what ‘hobby’ is as it’s outing.

It’s cycling, it’s always cycling and it’s not outing

Don't forget the obligatory goady post and then the so very obvious name change

Followed by " name change fail OP? "

😀oh yes

If you dare to have a dog, that automatically makes you a Satanist. You are irresponsible, your dog is a filthy beast and don't forget, kid's rights trump your dog's.

If you don't take your shoes off in the house and expect other people to, you really are the scum of the earth. Shoes off people is whole new phenomenon on MN.

See that lady at the school gate with Lululemon leggings, going to the gym in her GLC Mercedes Benz, hair in a nice balayage, fresh as a daisy after the school drop off?
She is actually a miserable housewife who’s is constantly abused by her husband.

MN with a messy bun and DIY black/or bleached hair, neon unkept nails polish, battered VW, overweight, running back home to cook and clean, sharing her low wage salary with DH is really happy in a relationship knowing that she can leave at any moment with her 3DC and £10 on her wallet. She wouldn’t swap places with the said school gate mum ever!