Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Laws of modern day mumsnet (Lighthearted)

118 replies

Dontstartthisagain · 04/08/2022 10:31

A bit Baz Luhrmann style...

  1. Always put Lighthearted in the subject title if it is indeed a piss take
  2. You will always get mumsnet vipers take it seriously if it is stated "Lighthearted" in the title. Ignore them.
  3. Expect at least a few of the first few replies to misinterpret, spin, twist, get offended by your original post. Expect it.
  4. Grammar police are everywhere, they have nothing else to do whilst you seriously "don't have time for that shit" who does? Who cares?!
  5. You will always be ridiculed if you ask a question. Regardless. On MN there's always a stupid question.
  6. 80% repliers will not have read your OP properly and definitely not your updates...get popcorn
  7. There's got to be more... feel free to add WinkBrew
OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 04/08/2022 12:25

Prepare to be hated if you own a hot-tub.
Or spend loads on your children at Christmas.
Or spend too much in general.

Trivester · 04/08/2022 12:29

I don’t think you understand the meaning of the phrase “mumsnet viper”

Maëlys · 04/08/2022 12:30

alloutofcareunits · 04/08/2022 12:16

If you leave your dog in the house alone for more than 30 min you should consider re homing them as you clearly cannot care for them and they'll have separation anxiety

And you must never ever get another dog 😡

Redcrayons · 04/08/2022 12:30

ChagSameachDoreen · 04/08/2022 12:06

If you're going to get married, the only acceptable way is to spend no more than £15, wear old rags, use a ring-pull as the ring, and make your guests forage food out of bins. Anything else is too extravagant.

Whilst simultaneously having a free, open bar. otherwise you shouldn’t be getting married.

Agrudge · 04/08/2022 15:06

Doing 43mph in 40mph zone is considered reckless drive and you should send you licence back to dvla

JanisMoplin · 04/08/2022 15:12

If a DH doesn't do the laundry or the cleaning or the shopping, or does a bad job of it, of course he must have ADHD. He can't just be lazy, oh no.

derxa · 04/08/2022 15:21

A bit esoteric here. If you're a SALT or have studied linguistics & phonetics don't bother offering an opinion on a pronunciation thread. You'll be ignored or told you're wrong.

Tonysopranosghost · 04/08/2022 15:43

If you don't/can't drive, especially through choice you're the most selfish person on the planet and not a real grown up.

It doesn't matter if you never ask anyone for lifts, can't afford to run a car and live in an area with excellent public transport.

Tonysopranosghost · 04/08/2022 15:44

100k+ really isn't that high a wage and we should all feel really sorry for you struggling to survive.

Itisasecret · 04/08/2022 15:46

You need a full Harvard refence list with referenced images and quotes on every post.

Itisasecret · 04/08/2022 15:50

If you earn over 40k you need to pay anything over on tax so everyone else can have the same income and spend your money for you.

Danikm151 · 04/08/2022 15:55

Everybody who acts in a way you don't agree with must be a narcissist. No exceptions.

Antarcticant · 04/08/2022 15:59

If asking for advice you must include your entire life history to date otherwise you will be accused of drip feeding if you do not mention when questioned evidence you later rely on.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/08/2022 16:01

If you have the breathtaking cheek to offer facts instead of frothing opinion, PP will have to call your qualifications & experience to question. It's the law.

DesMoulinsRouge · 04/08/2022 16:05

A small salad can last a family of 5 for 8 weeks. Anyone who eats more is a greedy glutton.

For God's sake don't ask an innocuous question you'll be pilloried for making conversation instead of googling for yourself you lazy, entitled, thicko.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 04/08/2022 16:18

You must never, ever complain about anyone in the service industry, regardless of what they do, because ‘it’s a difficult job and they don’t earn much’. Even if a waitress takes a shit in your soup, you’ll be told you should have eaten around it and left a generous tip - ‘She’ll be relying on that money’.

Similarly, even if you catch your cleaner humping your husband on the island unit, you shouldn’t sack her because ‘good cleaners are hard to come by’. In fact, YABU for even suggesting you might sack her, because unless you pay pension and NI contributions, you are NOT her employer - she is self-employed and you are incredibly lucky to be chosen as her client.

There is no thread so innocuous that it can’t be turned into a trans-bashing session.

Suggesting that people might respond differently depending on whether the poster or their partner/friend/colleague is male or female is ‘whataboutery’ - but under no circumstances must you keep things gender neutral when referencing your partner, as it’s ‘confusing’ and ‘difficult to follow’.

Winniewonka · 04/08/2022 16:19

If you were born between 1946 and 1964, then everything that's wrong in society or indeed the entire world, is your fault as a Boomer.

Dontstartthisagain · 04/08/2022 17:20

This has ran well today, carry on...Grin

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/08/2022 17:32

If you dare try a ‘reverse’ post you’re going straight to eternal hell. They will hunt you down and make sure of it.

if you say you earn over £70k you’re lying.

echoecha · 04/08/2022 17:53

If you are. SAHM you are brain dead, financially vulnerable and your DH will surely be having an affair. It's the law. You must be supremely grateful for 40-odd pages of "advice" from busybodies with jobs as shift supervisors in Aldi or whatever. They are so concerned about "society", you see.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/08/2022 18:47

“Everyone” knows several people raking in benefits despite being perfectly capable of work and it’s a travesty, and they all come from generations of the workshy and feckless….. (based on recent threads and despite diligent research that proves otherwise)

(In reality most people know several people who can’t access the support they’re entitled to because the system is broken…..)

Speedweed · 04/08/2022 19:14

Mention that you formula feed your baby, and you may as well put them into care (the kindest choice) and then jump off beachy head (too good for you)

unidunite · 04/08/2022 19:48

You’re a great and supportive mum for allowing your 13 yo daughter to have unprotected sex with her 15 yo boyfriend. Bonus points if you put her on the pill. The earlier the better.

School mums who drive a nice Range Rover and dress nicely are in a potentially abusive relationship and they can’t get out of this situation. You also feel really sorry for her potentially miserable personal life. She looks happy but you’re sure she’s not.

you’re a CEO who earns over 100K who works 25 hours a day and still manage to clean your house, take the dog out for a walk and cook from scratch.

your children either: don’t shower for 15 days because they need the germs to have strong immunity system OR they have a bath everyday

You don’t brush your hair for 3 days, wear rags at home and also going out, eat junk food everyday and your husband asks you to look after yourself: you’re in an abusive relationship with a selfish disgraceful man and therefore LTB.

your child wears Boden? That’s ridiculous and you should be ashamed of it!

Danikm151 · 05/08/2022 13:53

do not tell people what your hobby is as it will be totally outing.

Brefugee · 05/08/2022 14:00

Everyone looks 15-20 years younger than their true age, and in their 40s get mistaken for teenagers (genuine posts)!

completely off topic: about 18 years ago i got taken ill on my way home from somewhere a few hours away by train (nurse sitting by me thought heart attack). Anyway, ambulance called carted off to hospital in the middle of nowhere, and admitted. Was in a room with two ancient (really tiny and wrinkly) old ladies who i was chatting to in the morning (not a heart attack). DH & DCs (about 6) came to get me. Came in, chatted a bit then had to leave because doctor coming in. And they both turned to me and said "you must have had those very young, how old are you now, 18 or 19?" Blind as bats, love 'em. I was 40.

contribution to the topic: nobody but nobody including members of your immediate family are ever to say anything other than gushing praise to your offspring. It is scapegoating bullying behaviour and VERBOTEN.