Laws of modern day mumsnet (Lighthearted)

[Dontstartthisagain]

A bit Baz Luhrmann style...

1. Always put Lighthearted in the subject title if it is indeed a piss take
2. You will always get mumsnet vipers take it seriously if it is stated "Lighthearted" in the title. Ignore them.
3. Expect at least a few of the first few replies to misinterpret, spin, twist, get offended by your original post. Expect it.
4. Grammar police are everywhere, they have nothing else to do whilst you seriously "don't have time for that shit" who does? Who cares?!
5. You will always be ridiculed if you ask a question. Regardless. On MN there's always a stupid question.
6. 80% repliers will not have read your OP properly and definitely not your updates...get popcorn
7. There's got to be more... feel free to add

do not tell people what your hobby is as it will be totally outing.

I'll tell all my fellow collectors of Victorian underwear this. It'll be a relief, and we can get back to pointing out those weirdo cyclists & golfers.

Always make sure your washing has been brought inside by dusk, or else it's a venue for a spider gangbang

Every MNer's teenage daughter is a willowy, 'naturally beautiful' 6' goddess with Rapunzel-stye locks, and all sons are strapping rugby player types who consume the same volume of food in a week as the population of a small South American country, yet don't have a scrap of fat on them.

There are only three reasons for feeling a bit off-colour - pregnancy, menopause or gall bladder issues, even if your left knee is giving you gyp.

1. Sheets must be changed immediately after sex (or a protected coverlet placed over the bed at all times). Anything else is "ming" and your children will be in therapy years later about dried semen stains.
2. Any male hobby which eats into family time and inconveniences a woman or her children is invariably cycling or golf.
3. If you claim to earn over £100k a year you must be lying because its impossible for a woman to earn over £100k a year.
4. If you stay at home with your kids you are bored, intellectually stunted and financially vulnerable.
5. If you go to work you "dump" your children in childcare and "will never get the time back".
6. If you go out to work you are dull, work in a dull office and have been captured by the capitalist system and can't think of anything better to do with your life.
7. Mums who hang around the school gates are "toxic", "bitchy" and "cliquey" because two years ago one of them was short-sighted looked past you and didn't say hello.
8. If you have children with someone and are not married to them you are asking to be abandoned, barefoot and pregnant.
9. If you enjoy the company of other people and like socialising you are an "empty vessel" who is trying to fill a desperate void in your life. Real people are rightly happy to make do with just their DH and children.
10. If your DH works a high pressure, high stress job in banking and you never see him because he's out on "networking dinners" every night while you are running around all day washing his underpants and looking after four children its fine because it "works for our family".

If you can't make your roast chicken feed a family of 10 for at least 10 days then you're a wasteful spendthrift with more money than sense

Anyone you don’t get on with, or who doesn’t get on with you, is toxic.

You can never 'just drop in' on anyone.
Appointments must be made well in advance, as your knock on the door won't be answered.

Post a non-AIBU thread in AIBU ‘for traffic’.

This is hilarious - my own addition.

Any mention of slightly unreasonable behaviour - even in a long and otherwise stable relationship will attract a torrent of posters advising the OP to kick the bastard out and change the locks

Any views expressed on AIBU are not necessarily those of the people posting them.

You must hate teachers and spend your entire posting history bitching about them.

I know this is meant to be "lighthearted" but this just isn't true and this has been gone over so many times. LTBs are almost always delivered when someone is completely at the end of their rope. The biggest problem women have is putting up with too much shit from men, not that they don't put up with enough.

Get a cleaner or have a spa break

Grammar is important.
Good grammar more so.

If you start a lighthearted thread you must still be prepared for battle.

Nobody else cares about your pregnancy, baby, toddler, and you shouldn't expect anyone to show interest, buy gifts, offer help, not even your parents or siblings

There are ducks, that you have to 'get in order'

LTBs are almost always delivered when someone is completely at the end of their rope

With respect, your arse.

There is a certain breed of MNer who flings LTB about like confetti at a wedding for the very slightest of misdemeanours made by anybody who happens to be in possession of XY chromosomes.

Yes! To expect family and friends to be interested in your major life events is self-absorbed and childish, of course.

Everyone’s job is very demanding.

A daily commute of 2 hours each way isn’t that long .

1. Seasalt clothes must never be berated but instead incorporated into daily wear.

1. If you are a male never ever start a post with the words man here. Watching the fallout is like watching an antelope placed among a pride of lionesses.

Yes Winnie. See also if you voted tory or for brexit.

"On MN there's always a stupid question.", absolutely 😂

ChagSameachDoreen · Yesterday 12:06
If you're going to get married, the only acceptable way is to spend no more than £15, wear old rags, use a ring-pull as the ring, and make your guests forage food out of bins. Anything else is too extravagant.

😆😆😆😆