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AIBU?

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Original poster

did I overstep with our homestay student?

103 replies

Mcarroll · 04/08/2022 02:06

I don't know if I am the one being unreasonable here. I would appreciate your thoughts.
I have a student staying with us for 5 weeks. The language barrier can be a little difficult at times but we are managing things. I have had students before so I am used to living with young teenagers from different backgrounds with obviously different family upbringings. The current student is quite messy and when I have asked her to tidy up after herself, she didn't seem to understand what I meant.
No problem. When she goes to school I have been going in and making her bed and opening her window to air the room out and have vacuumed the room for her each week. I figured it was saving her some trouble.
I mentioned it to a friend and she told me off saying I was being disrespectful and shouldn't be going into her space at all. I cook all her meals and get up early to prepare her breakfast as well before she goes to school. Its generally what I do for my kids who are quite young so I thought I was doing the right thing. The student is 16 years old.

Did I overstep?

OP posts:
littlefireseverywhere · 04/08/2022 02:16

Sounds reasonable to me!

avamiah · 04/08/2022 02:29

I personally think it’s normal to open the windows and hoover the rooms no matter who is staying with you.I would also strip the bed once a week minimum and put a fresh sheet and duvet/pillow covers on.

My daughter is 12 going on 38 and she is so very untidy that i have actually banned her from even eating a Apple in her room as she just leaves the core on her desk when she has a bin under it and can’t even put it in the bin.

carefullycourageous · 04/08/2022 03:07

I think it is overstepping to make the bed, personally.

Ncfreely · 04/08/2022 03:20

Maybe not making the bed but window and hoover seem ok. Tricky.

StClare101 · 04/08/2022 03:23

I think opening the window and hoovering is fine. Making the bed, no, because it’s not a hotel and untidy is different to unclean. I’d be asking her to strip the bed once a week and giving her fresh sheets to remake though.

fUNNYfACE36 · 04/08/2022 03:27

No, you should not be going in her room when she isn't there without asking.

avamiah · 04/08/2022 03:28

StClare101 · 04/08/2022 03:23

I think opening the window and hoovering is fine. Making the bed, no, because it’s not a hotel and untidy is different to unclean. I’d be asking her to strip the bed once a week and giving her fresh sheets to remake though.

Yes I think your totally right.
Earlier I said I would change the bedding but after thinking about it , leaving fresh sheets and towels in the room or even outside the door is much better as the person isn’t a child let’s be honest.

bubblescoop · 04/08/2022 03:30

Yes, you are overstepping. This is her space and you are invading it without permission.

CJsGoldfish · 04/08/2022 04:09

Yes, overstepping.
We value our space and our privacy in our home. I don't enter my (older) childrens rooms without permission so they would be horrified in this situation.

Turnthatoff · 04/08/2022 05:24

I suspect if the making of the bed was overstepping, the student would have started to make the bed themselves.

I would be very cross if my kids didn’t make the bed when they were a guest!

2u2me2me2u · 04/08/2022 06:15

avamiah · 04/08/2022 02:29

I personally think it’s normal to open the windows and hoover the rooms no matter who is staying with you.I would also strip the bed once a week minimum and put a fresh sheet and duvet/pillow covers on.

My daughter is 12 going on 38 and she is so very untidy that i have actually banned her from even eating a Apple in her room as she just leaves the core on her desk when she has a bin under it and can’t even put it in the bin.

This made me laugh, we’ve got one of those at home too 🤦‍♀️😂

Meraas · 04/08/2022 06:35

Why should you let a room in your house go musty? Of course it’s fine to vacuum and open the windows. She should be doing that herself, the lazy git.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/08/2022 06:44

avamiah · 04/08/2022 02:29

I personally think it’s normal to open the windows and hoover the rooms no matter who is staying with you.I would also strip the bed once a week minimum and put a fresh sheet and duvet/pillow covers on.

My daughter is 12 going on 38 and she is so very untidy that i have actually banned her from even eating a Apple in her room as she just leaves the core on her desk when she has a bin under it and can’t even put it in the bin.

leaves the core on her desk when she has a bin under it and can’t even put it in the bin. With regard to this bit... I have one of those at home. Unfortunately I am married to him. He is very lovely in other ways, does his share of housework etc, but is very very messy. Drives me bonkers.

Augend23 · 04/08/2022 06:47

Turnthatoff · 04/08/2022 05:24

I suspect if the making of the bed was overstepping, the student would have started to make the bed themselves.

I would be very cross if my kids didn’t make the bed when they were a guest!

Agreed - surely after the first day or two you'd start opening the window and making your bed yourself if you didn't like it?

Coughee · 04/08/2022 06:48

I think you've overstepped a bit, yes. I don't go in my teenager's rooms. I expect them to keep the shared areas of the house tidy but their rooms are their own. And actually, all three of them have gone through messy phases and out the other side and now keep their rooms nice and tidy.

starfishmummy · 04/08/2022 07:01

If she was in a b&b then people would be cleaning her room daily. No one would bat an eyelid.

exnewwifeproblems · 04/08/2022 07:04

Do you have a contract for want of a better word with the home stay organisers? What does it say about what is expected of both parties?

Softplayhooray · 04/08/2022 07:09

Meraas · 04/08/2022 06:35

Why should you let a room in your house go musty? Of course it’s fine to vacuum and open the windows. She should be doing that herself, the lazy git.

This! And I'm pretty relaxed about most things. Can't believe the word 'invading' is being used in the context of someone being nice enough to do someone else's hoovering for them.

Scepticalwotsits · 04/08/2022 08:21

Personally I wouldn’t say it’s over stepping.

having been a foreign student overseas before you are living with a family, not on a holiday. As such good hosts treat you as pet of the family and that includes how the house is cleaned and managed.

As long as you are respecting their items, and when they are in treating their privacy then you are okay.

also while hard with that age and probably not what they want to do you want to encourage them to be out of their room and spend time with the family to help with their language skills.

KylieCharlene · 04/08/2022 08:23

It's very invasive. Especially making the bed
Hoovering after you've asked would be fine.

Marmite27 · 04/08/2022 08:26

When I was at uni in catered halls, the cleaners did all that for us. So I’d say it was fine.

LIZS · 04/08/2022 08:34

Do you say in advance that you need to clean her room today? If not you are overstepping.

Ragwort · 04/08/2022 08:35

Of course it's fine, and I can't understand these parents who don't go into their DC's bedrooms 'without permission'. Hmm Obviously I don't barge into my 21 year old DS's room when he is in his room without knocking but when he's out - I do go in to open windows, bring down abandoned glasses etc - if he doesn't like me going in he could just start keeping it clean and tidy ... yes I could leave it but I prefer to do a weekly ten minute blitz (no longer - I am not a housework martyr) rather than waiting the three months until he returns thank goodness to Uni. And with a large family of visitors due this summer we are all having to shift bedrooms to give them adequate space.

Messangel · 04/08/2022 08:43

"Hoovering after you've asked"

😂😂😂

"May I have the privilege of cleaning up after you?"

It's the OP's home, imo she has the right to walk where she likes and maintain HER home how she likes. I have also been the foreign student in similar circumstances and would have felt so pampered if someone had cleaned my room or made my bed.

Carry on as you like OP

SpamIAm · 04/08/2022 08:56

Sounds absolutely fine to me, can come and do mine as well if you like 😂

Tidying her stuff up would be a step too far but what you're doing is fine in my eyes, and it's your house at the end of the day so you're allowed to look after it! At the extreme end, are you just supposed to not go in the room for however long someone is staying with you, let them make whatever mess they please and potentially have ruined carpet and mould at the end of it?

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