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AIBU?

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Original poster

did I overstep with our homestay student?

103 replies

Mcarroll · 04/08/2022 02:06

I don't know if I am the one being unreasonable here. I would appreciate your thoughts.
I have a student staying with us for 5 weeks. The language barrier can be a little difficult at times but we are managing things. I have had students before so I am used to living with young teenagers from different backgrounds with obviously different family upbringings. The current student is quite messy and when I have asked her to tidy up after herself, she didn't seem to understand what I meant.
No problem. When she goes to school I have been going in and making her bed and opening her window to air the room out and have vacuumed the room for her each week. I figured it was saving her some trouble.
I mentioned it to a friend and she told me off saying I was being disrespectful and shouldn't be going into her space at all. I cook all her meals and get up early to prepare her breakfast as well before she goes to school. Its generally what I do for my kids who are quite young so I thought I was doing the right thing. The student is 16 years old.

Did I overstep?

OP posts:
grey12 · 04/08/2022 09:27

I would have hated anyone going into my room at all!!!

What age are we talking here? Teenager or older?

Maybe next time guve them a paper with some rules? 🤷🏻‍♀️ like they have to vaccum their room once a week or something like that?

ApolloandDaphne · 04/08/2022 09:29

At 16 she is still fairly young. She probably sees you as a motherly figure and is perfectly happy for you to make her bed and air her room. That said I didn't do that for mine beyond about 12!

cockandball · 04/08/2022 09:46

Hoovering fine. Making a bed seems a bit more intimate though

Summersnearlygone · 04/08/2022 09:49

I think you're overstepping because they should be doing it themselves, not because it's wrong to go onto their room. Is there anyone who could liaise with her to ensure that she takes these basic steps so you don't have to.

Discovereads · 04/08/2022 09:49

YANBU so long as the homestay student is comfortable with you going into her room and doing these things. I hope you asked her at the outset? If you didn’t, you should really discuss it on Day 1 in future. For many students, they’d be happy but others may be more private and not like it.

CallOnMe · 04/08/2022 10:06

At 16 I don’t think you should be going in her room when she’s not there.

Especially when it’s not her home, her room should be her private space.

I would Google translate and just ask her - does she want you to continue doing it when she’s not there or does she want to do it herself as you don’t mind either way.

She might be thankful you’re doing it but she also may feel you’re snooping around her stuff.

Nutella99 · 04/08/2022 10:16

What do you mean by making the bed? Spreading out the duvet neatly (my version of making the bed) or full on hotel tucking in the corners? I'd find the latter invasive if I was a guest in someone's house. I don't even like it much at hotels!

girlfrien · 04/08/2022 10:19

I wouldn't want her there if she was messy and lazy. Bet she does understand what you mean really. Yes you have the right to open the bedroom window it's your house.

ChronicOverthinkr · 04/08/2022 10:21

when I have asked her to tidy up after herself, she didn't seem to understand what I meant.

but did you explain what you meant, or just wade in and do it for her without setting the expectations? Did you give her the chance to hoover/make bed/open the window herself?

MustardCress · 04/08/2022 10:30

I think at 16 it’s fine to open the window, vacuum and fold the bed back if she hasn’t done it. It’s part of keeping an eye on a young person you don’t know.

In their shoes I would have been concerned about being tidy and a good guest so I find it a little odd to be messy. But it’s hard to tell if they are childish or expect a mum/ B&B service!

An over 18 would be different but I would be clarifying expectations with them first.

10HailMarys · 04/08/2022 10:34

Hoovering and opening the window is fine. I wouldn't make the bed though - she can decide for herself if she wants it made.

If she's not making her bed, she's either doing that a) because she doesn't mind sleeping in an unmade bed or b) because she's noticed you'll do it anyway. So don't keep doing it for her. I'm assuming you're providing clean bed linen regularly.

She's 16, and presumably you're getting some sort of payment for her keep, so I think she can be untidy in her room if she wants to be honest. Hoovering and opening a window is OK because essentially those things are both you just airing your own property so it's not musty, but general messiness in her room is her decision. A lot of teenagers that age are extremely messy.

When I lived in a hall of residence as a student, the cleaners would Hoover and dust our rooms once a week and that was it. We had to leave our sheets in a pile outside the door and they would leave a clean pile in return - we didn't get our bed linen put on the bed for us and we certainly didn't get our beds made!

MustardCress · 04/08/2022 10:35

Even if under 18 I think it is important to talk about house rules and expectations at the start of the stay though, show where the vacuum is etc as some kids will be too shy to ask.

But would give over 18s more privacy and expect more independence.

Ourlady · 04/08/2022 10:41

I don’t think you were unreasonable. Maybe now she will get the message about being more tidy. She is still a guest in your home so needs to be respectful of that.

FayeGovan · 04/08/2022 10:49

I think you sound nice. Wish you lived here😃

Am being nosey...what circumstances leads a 16 yr old to be living abroad with another family??

Threeboysandadog · 04/08/2022 10:52

I think it’s fine. Ds3 is 16 and I go in to his room every morning, pick my way carefully through the rubble, open his blind and window and ask Alexa to turn of the light. I make his bed if it’s got nothing on it and will vacuum if he clears his floor. At 16 I’m sure she will just think it’s the done thing in your house. I suppose you could ask if she was happy with it.

Crackercrazy · 04/08/2022 11:01

I think it’s mine. We had a 16 year old foreign student stay once who was so messy - especially in the bathroom. She was used to staff cleaning up after her at home!!
I’d put clean bedding sheets out for her to do herself though.

Crackercrazy · 04/08/2022 11:01

Fine not mine!

Fancylike · 04/08/2022 11:47

Sounds like she’s enjoying the maid service!
Continue your vacuuming and fresh air, but leave the fresh bedding by her door for her to remake her bed with.

Randomthoughts992 · 04/08/2022 12:49

I have students, 4 teenagers. We are meant to go in and clean the room or make them do it but i do it as its easier and im sure they would prefer me do it whilst they are gone and not when they are loitering in the room.
i'm also supposed to change the beds once a week. Thats in the rule book, not to give them the bedding but TO change the beds once a week minimum and do laundry, I go in grab the laundry hamper, hoover, pick up rubbish that's blatant rubbish etc

ToHelenaHandcart · 04/08/2022 12:53

If they were bothered they’d be opening the window and making the bed themselves.
if they aren’t bothered or reacting in anyway there’s no issue.

SherbertLemonDrop · 05/08/2022 19:05

No it's fine op.

Siepie · 05/08/2022 19:17

ChronicOverthinkr · 04/08/2022 10:21

when I have asked her to tidy up after herself, she didn't seem to understand what I meant.

but did you explain what you meant, or just wade in and do it for her without setting the expectations? Did you give her the chance to hoover/make bed/open the window herself?

This. Different families have different expectations about tidying, so it needs explaining.

I rarely make my bed in the mornings and would be rather surprised if a host did it for me. Unlike hoovering, it doesn't matter long-term whether the duvet is straighted out each morning, so I think it's a little invasive to rearrange someone else's bedding just so that it looks nice to you.

The other things are only overstepping if you haven't asked her to do them.

Mamabearinthewoods · 05/08/2022 19:21

Absolutely not unreasonable.
if you didn’t go in the room you wouldn’t know what was going on.
A little different and 30 years ago, but my parents had a lodger. The room started to smell and when they eventually went in she was keeping bags of vomit under her bed.
A close friend of mine had another friend living in their house as a lodger, probably 5 years ago and his room was so disgusting they thought they were attracting mice.
I think your actions are kind and mindful. It’s your house, your rules… It’s not like you’re going through her belongings or reading her diary!

Cordeliathecat · 05/08/2022 19:35

You’re not overstepping, it’s a Homestay not a lodger.

my grandmother hosted English language students for 30-odd years, she would do this too.

crimsonlake · 05/08/2022 19:44

I think it is intrusive, but think the way around this is to ask the student if she minds you are going in to her room.