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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

did I overstep with our homestay student?

103 replies

Mcarroll · 04/08/2022 02:06

I don't know if I am the one being unreasonable here. I would appreciate your thoughts.
I have a student staying with us for 5 weeks. The language barrier can be a little difficult at times but we are managing things. I have had students before so I am used to living with young teenagers from different backgrounds with obviously different family upbringings. The current student is quite messy and when I have asked her to tidy up after herself, she didn't seem to understand what I meant.
No problem. When she goes to school I have been going in and making her bed and opening her window to air the room out and have vacuumed the room for her each week. I figured it was saving her some trouble.
I mentioned it to a friend and she told me off saying I was being disrespectful and shouldn't be going into her space at all. I cook all her meals and get up early to prepare her breakfast as well before she goes to school. Its generally what I do for my kids who are quite young so I thought I was doing the right thing. The student is 16 years old.

Did I overstep?

OP posts:
Anon778833 · 05/08/2022 19:45

No, I think you are very kind. I would be happy if a host was kind enough to do this for me!

Cuwins · 05/08/2022 19:52

I would think hoovering once a week is ok although maybe ask her if she would prefer to do it herself. Going in everyday is intrusive to me- I wouldn't want anyone making my bed, I don't make it myself and it's not going to effect your house long term so I don't see why you would need to do it?

saraclara · 05/08/2022 20:04

Overstepping. She's not your child and so especially should have her privacy. Just ask her to open her windows, and mention when you will be hoovering the house so she knows you will be coming in. Definitely don't touch the bed, and just ask her to strip it when you need to do a wash

itsgettingweird · 05/08/2022 20:17

Well I'm assuming she doesn't mind and it's your house and you're hosting her.

I'd love someone to come in and make my bed for me daily!

CheshireCat1 · 05/08/2022 20:26

It’s her room, her personal space.

Icecreamandapplepie · 05/08/2022 20:38

Just ask her!

I would've loved this at 16. Many others wouldn't.

Sure you can get the point across with pictures, or a translation app or something!

ChrisConary · 05/08/2022 20:41

Your house, your rules. You are not being unreasonable. Open the windows, hoover the floors, strip the bed when needed. If she doesn't want you in there for necessary housekeeping, she can do it herself.

gabsdot45 · 05/08/2022 20:45

It's your house. I dont think you're overstepping.

LouBan · 05/08/2022 20:49

She must know you go into the room to tidy so surely she would have said something if she wasn't happy. Maybe she likes it because it means she doesn't have to do the cleaning or tidying herself. You could say you hope she doesn't mind that you have been doing this but will stop it she prefers.

ruthgordon123 · 05/08/2022 21:27

It all depends on what you're charging. Basically if you are a cook, cleaner and chambermaid it should be a lot. No wonder her own parents sent her off....if only I'd known x

Londoncallingme · 05/08/2022 21:41

CJsGoldfish · 04/08/2022 04:09

Yes, overstepping.
We value our space and our privacy in our home. I don't enter my (older) childrens rooms without permission so they would be horrified in this situation.

Wow! There is nowhere in my home that I can’t/won’t/don’t enter! I’d knock if they were in there but otherwise - I pay the mortgage, my home.

user29 · 05/08/2022 21:44

Londoncallingme · 05/08/2022 21:41

Wow! There is nowhere in my home that I can’t/won’t/don’t enter! I’d knock if they were in there but otherwise - I pay the mortgage, my home.

Show quote history

Really? If you had adult house guests, you would go into their room when they are not there?

Londoncallingme · 05/08/2022 22:22

user29 · 05/08/2022 21:44

Really? If you had adult house guests, you would go into their room when they are not there?

Show quote history

Obtuse - You said your older childrens rooms - yes I would enter my older childrens rooms whether they still lived at home or not.
since you’ve mentioned adult house guests - If I needed to fetch something from the spare room, yes I would enter - my home, not a hotel.

expat101 · 05/08/2022 22:32

Your home, your rules.

I went through this a couple of years ago with our young apprentice staying in our guest room during the week and I felt quite at odds with some behaviour going against how we brought up our children to behave.

Not opening curtains and the window upon exiting, including the bedroom door and the room starting to stink of flavoured ? vape was the last straw for me.

She isn't at yours for much longer, and perhaps if she feels uncomfortable she would have said something to the coordinator. Perhaps this is something you could mention to them too? Just clear the air with that person in case they have heard something...

Lovelystuff · 05/08/2022 22:53

At 16 I’m embarrassed to say my mum cleaned and tidied my room including changing the bed and I had no problem with it.

Solonge · 05/08/2022 23:24

Basically you appear to be providing a hotel service….if she is happy with that (she hasn’t complained) and you are happy to have the room clean….then carry on.

Solonge · 05/08/2022 23:27

I work in a house as a housekeeper. The couple who live there have various people staying from time to time. I go into the guest rooms daily, make beds, open windows, fold clothes and clean baths/shower rooms. The guests are all delighted and always say thankyou.

user1471459761 · 05/08/2022 23:28

Of course it's fine. She is 16 not 60. She is living in your house much as you own child. You are being kind and looking after her.

amispeakingintongues · 06/08/2022 00:10

Of course its fine, it’s your house. Can not grasp the posts saying you’ve overstepped. Very bizarre. She is 16 and being hosted by you because she’s a minor! You home isn’t a damn hostel. And surely she would say if you’d made her feel uncomfortable in any way? And anyway - a 16 yo who still won’t make a bed clearly needs more parental input

HappyinChester · 06/08/2022 00:16

I’m sure she would let you know if she didnt want you in her room. She probably appreciates what you’re doing

saraclara · 06/08/2022 00:29

HappyinChester · 06/08/2022 00:16

I’m sure she would let you know if she didnt want you in her room. She probably appreciates what you’re doing

A 16 year old visitor? No she wouldn't let OP know, unless she was incredibly outspoken.

saraclara · 06/08/2022 00:33

I'm about to set a seismic shock through mumsnet with a general question.

If you're the only bedroomroom occupant, and you have a duvet, why (assuming you only use the room to sleep in) do you make the bed every day?
I don't.

CatsnCoffee · 06/08/2022 04:56

You are being unreasonable. You shouldn’t be touching their bed, let alone making it. This is their private space. Would you want a stranger to be entering your teenager’s room when they’re not there and touching their things?
You are also making yourself vulnerable by doing this. If anything goes missing from the room or is broken you will be the prime suspect.
When the student returns home they may complain to their parents about the invasion of their space and there might be unwanted repercussions for you.
Who changes their sheets every week, anyway? And why are you obsessing over your guest’s room? Would you do this with any other guest (relative/friend/colleague)?
Get a life and leave this person to live theirs!

Valeriekat · 06/08/2022 07:26

She is a youngster not an adult and you are in loco parentis so yes go ahead and tidy/hoover etc.
You don't need to pussyfoot around her. You are putting her up in your own home presumably for free so do it your way.

RockyReef · 06/08/2022 09:14

I grew up with a housekeeper and cleaner and yes absolutely at 16 (and in fact longer up until 21 when I was home in the holidays from university) they went in every morning and made my bed and cleaned the room. At university I did it (the making bed but not sadly the cleaning!). It's your home not her private space, and you are just being kind. Obviously you wouldn't go through her personal belongings so it's in no way an invasion of her privacy. If she was bothered she would do it herself I suspect. My children are younger but they know to make their beds, open windows and bring their laundry down each morning, however I go in each morning after they are done to check and to do a bit of damp dusting in the eldest's room (asthmatic and dust allergy) and put their clothes away etc. I will continue to do that unless they want to do it themselves, as they get into their teen years.