did I overstep with our homestay student?

[Mcarroll]

I don't know if I am the one being unreasonable here. I would appreciate your thoughts.
I have a student staying with us for 5 weeks. The language barrier can be a little difficult at times but we are managing things. I have had students before so I am used to living with young teenagers from different backgrounds with obviously different family upbringings. The current student is quite messy and when I have asked her to tidy up after herself, she didn't seem to understand what I meant.
No problem. When she goes to school I have been going in and making her bed and opening her window to air the room out and have vacuumed the room for her each week. I figured it was saving her some trouble.
I mentioned it to a friend and she told me off saying I was being disrespectful and shouldn't be going into her space at all. I cook all her meals and get up early to prepare her breakfast as well before she goes to school. Its generally what I do for my kids who are quite young so I thought I was doing the right thing. The student is 16 years old.

Did I overstep?

Can someone explain to me why making someone's bed is 'invasive'?! Seriously.

Going through their things is invasive, so things like 'here is a washing basket, I will wash anything that goes in it for you' is fine rather than fumbling through their belongings to see what might need washing.

It’s fine. I do that for my 16 year old. Sometimes she does it herself, sometimes I do it if I am working from home. She certainly doesn’t complain and is very appreciative.

Did you look at any of her stuff whilst you were in there?

That's what she will be thinking of course. As would I.

Use your own judgement - not that of an random interferer. Your judgement sounds fine to me.

This!

But this is an assumption that someone hoovering in your private space is “nice”. I think an expectation that she does this is reasonable but also using the word “invade” is appropriate. Would you like your own bedroom entered every day, bed made, hoovered? You’d find that “ nice”?

Invasion of privacy? Making a bed and tidying a room? Seriously? Nobody here ever stayed in a B & B or an hotel? She's a lazy so and so and needs to be told in no uncertain terms that if she refuses to keep her room tidy and her bed made whilst a guest in your home, it will be done by others. Her choice. End of story.

I think checking for crockery/glasses is ok and maybe opening a window but they should be vacuuming themselves and making their own bed. You're not an hotel. It would feel like an invasion of privacy.

Also, realised it isn't the child herself who has complained but a friend to whom you mentioned this so, if the child, (and yes, she is a child at 16, sent from a school to stay with a local family because she is obviously considered too young to live alone for 5 weeks, therefore can't be considered an adult), is not upset by you keeping the room clean and tidy why are you even stressing about it?

If the child herself objects then that is a different matter and somehow you must get it through to her that you will only stop entering her room and cleaning if she does the jobs herself. If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to behave like a responsible adult. I'm tired of this notion that children must be given certain privileges simply because they exist!

I think it is very kind of you to do these things for her and they may well be helping her to feel ‘looked after’ - particularly as she is away from home and her mother. Teenagers are a funny mix of almost independent adult and yet very immature.
And - when the sheets need changing - you could ask her if she would like some help. That’s quite a good opportunity, while you are doing it together, to see how familiar she is with doing it herself, and to chat to her about whether her mother does this with her at home etc. I think you would quickly pick up whether she is used to someone entering her bedroom while she is out etc.

Over stepping I feel, but perhaps if you asked her she may be happy for you to go in.

A quick hoover once a week is fine etc. But as for messiness, I would just leave it.
It's only 5 weeks and at 16 not all teenager comprehend the need to be tidy all the time. Try to enjoy the experience and not worry too much.

Our 18 and 15 year old share, I go in to get their washing and empty the bin. I will bring an plates down but they know they should I be kept downstairs and they are only left from a hour or two after they have eaten the brought down. I never knock and I haven’t been brought up to knock on a closed door in my house. I would do all you said without hesitation. It’s different when they are in there I would knock but it’s not my child.

Of course she understands what you mean by tidying up. She has decided to ignore it. It is a room in your house. YANBU in cleaning it.

Depends on the age of the student. A 13 year old - yes. I'd go in and clean but also explain that they have a responsibility to care for their room. An older student - no. I'd not go in as it's their private space. I'd initially show them where the hoover lives etc but then leave them to it. It's only 5 weeks so it's not like it's a long term problem.

As a former teenage homestay student myself, you are definitely not overstepping. My host mother did everything for me including bed making. She was just gorgeous and as a teen I had no issue at all. There’s a reason they’re called host mothers :-)

It’s fine. She’s a guest in your home, you aren’t renting her a flat. You are entitled to ask her to keep her room tidy, and since she opts not to, to tidy it yourself.

She has your number though, why didn’t you just show her what you meant?!

You wouldn't need to open the window/hoover, etc., if she did this herself - as you had asked (I find it difficult to believe that she didn't understand this).

I think what you are doing is perfectly reasonable.

YABU.
I had been a homestay student in the UK several times when I was younger and wouldn't feel well in this. Actually, I got to such a house once and it was weird.

To be clear, I totally understand some room safety check might be necessary, preferably when I am there, or just a quick glance over from the door, sure, by all means.
However, there is a big difference between dirty&unhygienic and untidy&not according to your liking. For example the bed doesn't need to be made, it is just your aesthetical preference or habit. If you decide to make it, it is either overstepping or acting as a room maid.
And yes, I really see it as invasion - bed is kind of personal, and thought you technically own it, it is my bed for the time being, so yes, please don't touch it.

Airing is kind of grey zone here, it might be necessary and hard to communicate, or it can be just another way to police the student, hard to say. And as for hoovering, once the weird lady mentioned earlier rearranged my stuff for unannounced hoovering, it really wasn't a favour, it was just weird.

I’m not quite sure what you cooking her meals has got to do with anything. You get paid for having her and that’s all part of the service isn’t it? Invading her privacy isn’t. So what if her bed is left unmade? How does that affect you exactly? As for hoovering I’m sure you could find a way to ask her if she’d like you to Hoover her room for her?

I live in the Middle East and of course everyone has staff and the reality is that most kids go off to university without working out all the chore bits. They are getting used to a completely different way of life and language and culture. On top of studying without their friends. Hardly any of them even realise that these skills of cleaning and tidying should be on their radar. I’d say a minimum of nine months need to pass before they work out how to stock food in instead of ordering food and only eating rubbish. I can remember being scared of the washing machines. Even when parents teach their kids how to do things the fact that you don’t do them usually means that you make great efforts one week and get distracted the next. Also transport instead of cars. It sounds so simple when you do it everyday and everyone does it around you but even I take a day or two to acclimatise every time I get there and I have to think through the actions rather than sort of using muscle memory. And I already have the muscle memory developed!
so teens, from a different culture I’m going to go out on a limb that they wouldn’t see it as invasive. They also might not even know that what you are doing isn’t standard for everyone. You can continue, but as my 16 year old self I would liked you to do with it me once or twice because.. this will sound mad, but it was intimidating. Saying to me came, I’ll teach you how people clean their house in the UK, when you get to university you will know how to do all of this. Although in a five week course there really isn’t much time to do this kind of thing

Your house, your rules ! Tell her to keep the room tidy ! I have lazy teenagers here , if I didn’t ask/nag then their rooms would be filthy !

This.

Not asking permission but mentioning it before you do it, or to say I’ll do this on x days.

When I was a student we had daily cleaners who would come in to empty the bins, clean the basin etc. I think what you’re doing is entirely reasonable and I hope your student appreciates it!

☝️(I mean in University accommodation)