Stupid shit people forgot to mention about parenting

[BlahBl4h]

Mine at the moment is just how many times you can be expected to watch the same fucking movie over and over and over and over.

I want to peel my eyes off.

Anyone?

Why? Just that! Why?

Biologicsl imperative!

In the early days of breastfeeding
when the baby latches on, the milk lets down, and then the baby annoyingly pulls off again, milk sprays out of the nipple like the nozzle
of a power shower. I had thought it would be like one hole. Nope. It can travel whole meters. I sprayed DS’ whole face and hair while scrabbling about for a muslin. The first time that happened I was utterly shocked

Tbh, too much stupid shit to even list

Yes this. It’s relentless and I feel like such an old grump!

Emm

How about:

it all gets better and they gradually become your best mates?

You develop the same interests and can nearly always find something in common?

when their voice breaks and they’re constantly hungry, it’s so endearing?

it’s not all shit guys! 😂

How much space and energy is taken up by holding onto your first born’s clothes and gear for the next child, and so on if you have more than two dc. I swear my whole attic is boxes of stuff waiting to be used, or most likely too late to be used because I forgot it was there/couldnt find it and the dc is already past that stage/too big

How many years are spent listening to fart jokes.

The entz for dinner clean up last night was ‘Alexa fart’. They are at University fgs!

This has just summed up parenthood absolutely perfectly 👏🏼

How important a stick, not just any stick, but a particular stick can be.

On a walk with friends one day when ds was about 6, he and another 6 year old spent a merry 7 hours arguing over a stick. We were walking through woods most of the time, there were thousands of bloody sticks around, all clearly not up to the job of being the Right Stick.

We negotiated a 'ten minutes each' deal, which added a frisson of excitement to proceedings as both children said 'how much longer?' about six thousand times a minute.

Got off the bus near home and ds jubilantly produced said stick from under his jacket and demanded that I called the other child's mum to declare him the Victor of the Stick.

Fuck me, that was a grim beautifully sunny and warm spring day.

It doesn’t live with me anymore
if I don’t reply to the first message
I get constantly messaged on messenger, WhatsApp, text
mummy, mummy, mummy
Usually asking something inane
The worry never ends, my mum told me that, I didn’t believe her until I had my own child

The amount of times you’ll repeat yourself, saying the same phrases over and over, thousands and thousands of times:

stop doing that
hold onto that
get down now
listening now
are you listening?
did you hear me?
where did you leave it?
what’s that in your mouth?
have you done a wee?
finger out of nose, please

And so on. Sigh.

That the ‘terrible twos’ are the hard bit. It’s nothing in comparison to having a 13 yo DD

Constant perplexing existential questions such as "Why is this a fork mummy?"

With toddlers, no food is messless, doesnt matter how white or bland looking it is, it will still look like they have been involved in a food fight.

Everything will be underwhelming particularly if it’s expensive, you were looking forward to it, you COULDNT WAIT TO SEE THEIR FACES and particularly if there’s been a queue for it...

glass bottom boat trip in the Maldives?- Meh

Birthday parties! I swear if I’d stopped to think of how many of those fucking things I’d have to organise and attend I’d never have had children at all.

Blippi

Oh God, yes. My daughter is constantly asking me questions that I'd need to either a) be high and / or b) hold a degree in Philosophy to answer, and then gets upset when I say 'I don't know'.

🤣🤣

Many teenagers do not sleep in, 13 years later still waiting for decent sleep after years and years of broken sleep and 5am starts.

Not to mention the time every morning shouting: SHOES ON SHOES ON SHOES ON NOW SHOES ON WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES???

Midday?!?!?! Are you kidding me?? My husband would walk through the door and wonder why I looked like I’d just got up! It’s because I was exactly the same as when I’d just got up! 16 hours ago!!

I have twins who are both autistic. They're now 12 yrs old. DS has got quite high needs and often gets "stuck" on a particular saying (verbal stimming). Sometimes it's just a phrase that he needs to say but other phrases require a response from me. Sadly we're on the latter at the moment.

Currently it's "what the dog doing?". I am required to reply with "....ssssss. WHAT's the dog doing..."

Sounds innocent enough, right? Now try repeating that constantly - sometimes several times per minute. Minute after minute after minute. On and on and fucking on. It's like some kind of special torture.

Mind you, we went through a phase of DS speaking with a Mexican accent with his special phrase. That was thanks to a Thomas the Tank Engine home video he saw on YouTube that struck a chord with him. I was so very happy when that one passed.

Special mention to the time we went to a friend's house and she had the word "Bumhole" spelt out on one of those light-up boards - her DP and her were having a joke and it had gotten left there. DS noticed it with delight and kept repeating it (he was about 10 yrs old at the time). Arriving home, my brand new neighbour was in the street - DS saw this as the perfect opportunity to screech "Bumhole" in her direction at the top of his voice. She scurried inside, I picked DS up and tried to carry him indoors all the while he was merrily singing out "Bumhoooooole!". So, that was fun too.

😂