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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/rude/outdated to ask the sex of a baby?

116 replies

Bobby80 · 03/08/2022 11:20

Bumped into an ex work colleague who is 7ish months pregnant. She was talking about how well her pregnancy was going etc and how good she was feeling in comparison to the previous time. I asked if she knew what she was having to which she replied...

"I've always thought that's an odd question, basically asking if my child will have a penis or vagina".

I was slightly taken back/embarrassed as I hadn't intended to be rude so I apologised and explained I didn't mean to offend her. We chatted after that so she wasn't overly annoyed but obviously enough just make her point.

Reflecting on this- is it odd to ask? I have never really thought about it until now!

OP posts:
99redballoonsgobyy · 03/08/2022 12:29

oh some people do get offended by anything, it's a perfectly normal thing to ask these days as most couples do find out the sex of their baby on scans. I chose not to find out with either of mine because I wanted the surprise and the amount of people that didn't believe me when I said I didn't know was unbelievable! They simply couldn't understand that I had the patience to wait until the birth to find out and were convinced I knew but was keeping it quiet lol.

Homeiswherewestay · 03/08/2022 12:30

No she's the odd one not you, ignore her.

MamaFoxToBe · 03/08/2022 12:32

Definitely a normal question. I'm 34 weeks and it's always the first question people ask me.

georgarina · 03/08/2022 12:32

"I don't actually give a fuck, I was just being polite"

mistermagpie · 03/08/2022 12:34

I've had three babies and it's almost always the second question after 'when are you due?'. It's the only thing people can ask really isn't it? If the are trying to show an interest.

With my third (my children are close in age) I was often asked if it was planned - now that's rude!

Rowen32 · 03/08/2022 12:36

I think it is a rude question to ask, it's very personal to even find that out - I would be annoyed if someone asked me. Having said that how she responded was rude too, she definitely could have been more polite but you might have been the twentieth person to ask and she could have just had enough.
I don't think it's anyone business to ask that question, if she wanted to tell you she could share of her own accord. I don't like being asked it when I am pregnant as I don't think it's anyone right to know and why should I have to explain my decision to find out/not find out/know but not tell. I don't like prying at the best of times!

110APiccadilly · 03/08/2022 12:37

People ask me all the time! I'm not offended, though we've not found out. What are they meant to ask? There's only really two things you can know before baby's born - boy or girl and when it's due. Not exactly a plethora of conversation you can get out of that.

Though I have to say I bite my tongue a lot when asked, "What are you having?" not to say, "Hopefully, a baby."

Becky6758 · 03/08/2022 12:37

Rowen32 · 03/08/2022 12:36

I think it is a rude question to ask, it's very personal to even find that out - I would be annoyed if someone asked me. Having said that how she responded was rude too, she definitely could have been more polite but you might have been the twentieth person to ask and she could have just had enough.
I don't think it's anyone business to ask that question, if she wanted to tell you she could share of her own accord. I don't like being asked it when I am pregnant as I don't think it's anyone right to know and why should I have to explain my decision to find out/not find out/know but not tell. I don't like prying at the best of times!

Do you get offended easily in other normal conversations too?

blebbleb · 03/08/2022 12:38

Oh dear. What a strange thing to get het up about.

MummyGummy · 03/08/2022 12:40

Rowen32 · 03/08/2022 12:36

I think it is a rude question to ask, it's very personal to even find that out - I would be annoyed if someone asked me. Having said that how she responded was rude too, she definitely could have been more polite but you might have been the twentieth person to ask and she could have just had enough.
I don't think it's anyone business to ask that question, if she wanted to tell you she could share of her own accord. I don't like being asked it when I am pregnant as I don't think it's anyone right to know and why should I have to explain my decision to find out/not find out/know but not tell. I don't like prying at the best of times!

The thing is no-one outside of family really cares about your pregnancy, but feel like they have to ask about the baby to be polite.

Stroopwaffle5000 · 03/08/2022 12:43

This is crazy! On one hand you've got people having 'gender' reveal parties and on the other hand people are getting annoyed!!! I ask it to be polite. I really don't give 2 hoots what sex someone's baby is but I feel like I need to say something 🤷🏼‍♀️

dudsville · 03/08/2022 12:46

I have stopped asking about the sex of the baby, but it was only ever "interesting" insofaras there's very little to ask to be honest, it's a baby, she's pregnant. I stick with, "how's it going?" and maybe "not long now" or "how far along are you?", I mean none of these are interesting questions.

ZandathePanda · 03/08/2022 12:47

She probably knows and it’s a effective way of deflecting when she doesn’t want to tell you.
I kind of get it in the fact that the conversations would then wistfully talk about a baby girl or boys future in sexist ways - ahh a little boy for daddy etc, or worse, having to manage other peoples disappointment. I was actively ignored by two mothers with all boy families when I had a girl. She may just have had too many of these and you caught her on a bad day.

tobee · 03/08/2022 12:47

It must be exhausting having her mindset.

tobee · 03/08/2022 12:52

ZandathePanda · 03/08/2022 12:47

She probably knows and it’s a effective way of deflecting when she doesn’t want to tell you.
I kind of get it in the fact that the conversations would then wistfully talk about a baby girl or boys future in sexist ways - ahh a little boy for daddy etc, or worse, having to manage other peoples disappointment. I was actively ignored by two mothers with all boy families when I had a girl. She may just have had too many of these and you caught her on a bad day.

Yes but there's no need to give a rude response. Plus the bit about penis and vagina is weird.

Sick of people being more interested in making other other people uncomfortable for not being mind readers about what they are going to get offended by.

sidheandlight · 03/08/2022 12:52

CowPalace · 03/08/2022 11:40

I think it’s likely she’d just been asked it fifty times in the space of a day, because everyone thinks it’s the nice, polite question to ask of a pregnant woman, and don’t allow for the fact that a pregnant woman gets its again and again and AGAIN, and the repetition can be maddening. I imagine it’s a bit like being a famous actor and everyone you meet thinking it’s terribly witty and original to greet you with a catchphrase from one of your roles.

I know that during my pregnancy there were colleagues in other departments who would say ‘Getting bigger now!’ every time I met them at a meeting or in the lift, and I wanted to snap, ‘Look, you don’t have to produce some remark about the pregnancy every time you see me! I’m also still someone you work with. We can talk about work stuff! The weather!’

but conversely most people literally don't give a shit about someone else's pregnancy and so fill the gap with he inane questions, just to acknowledge it, but are no more interested than watching paint dry.

Soubriquet · 03/08/2022 12:58

It’s a perfectly normal question. The response is the work of TRA’s

ChagSameachDoreen · 03/08/2022 12:58

"I've always thought that's an odd question, basically asking if my child will have a penis or vagina".

Well, I mean, that is technically what the question is asking, yes. Nothing odd about it. It's one of the first things people want to know, surely.

Aokay1 · 03/08/2022 12:59

Fucking hell she's pregnant and I'm sure tired of being asked the same question 1000 times and no doubt got a few weird responses to the actual answer.

She doesn't sound like she's taken any offense to it as she happily carried on chatting to OP and I'm sure will continue to do so. But yet she's now being classed as batshit.

This whole thing is a complete non issue. Leave the woman alone ffs.

RedBeetroot12 · 03/08/2022 13:05

What a rude woman!

Savvet · 03/08/2022 13:07

Maybe she'd had rude questions before like I did in my pregnancy when someone asked "Is it a boy or a girl?" and I replied that we were having a surprise and she looked horrified and gasped "Oh no, I could NEVER have done that, I had to know whether mine were pink or blue so I could BOND before they were born!"
Left me feeling like an inadequate mum before I'd even given birth.

But in itself, not a rude question at all.

Silverfinch · 03/08/2022 13:09

SexyLittleNosferatu · 03/08/2022 12:10

It is a completely normal question.

You should have responded with "i don't actually give AF I was just being polite you absolute MELON".

This!

PixieLaLa · 03/08/2022 13:11

Did you literally ask “what are you having?” Because that does sound quite rude. You could have asked in a much nicer way. She might not want to find out till the birth, and likely doesn’t care just happy to be having a baby!

tobee · 03/08/2022 13:11

Aokay1 · 03/08/2022 12:59

Fucking hell she's pregnant and I'm sure tired of being asked the same question 1000 times and no doubt got a few weird responses to the actual answer.

She doesn't sound like she's taken any offense to it as she happily carried on chatting to OP and I'm sure will continue to do so. But yet she's now being classed as batshit.

This whole thing is a complete non issue. Leave the woman alone ffs.

Well maybe she should just deal with those questions like everyone else who's ever been pregnant has to? Her being annoyed to be asked these questions doesn't make it fine to make the other person uncomfortable.

ZandathePanda · 03/08/2022 13:12

tobee · 03/08/2022 12:52

Yes but there's no need to give a rude response. Plus the bit about penis and vagina is weird.

Sick of people being more interested in making other other people uncomfortable for not being mind readers about what they are going to get offended by.

Show quote history

Not disagreeing she was rude but trying to understand her mindset.

As I said, I had two mothers (of multiple boys) who got very upset that I had had another girl. It was an unpleasant atmosphere in the playground as I was made to feel awkward by their ‘group’ if I was interacting with my own baby. Also got told by a doctor friend after just giving birth ‘why do we always have girls?’ as we had 5 girls between us, so it works the other way as well. It just got a bit tiresome.

There’s so much psychological stuff that goes on with finding out the sex of a baby. I always wanted a surprise and got two. It seemed Dh and I were in the minority in our village genuinely not caring whether we had boys/girls.