Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner said he wishes I were more curious about the world

291 replies

Bzzzzzzz · 03/08/2022 05:54

I am educated to Master's level, have lived in a couple of different countries and speak other Languages so I did think I was curious to some level at least. I read the news daily.
My partner doesn't have the qualifications and has mostly worked in 'menial' roles but he certainly reads a lot, has a lot of general knowledge and knows a lot about music.
I'd say I read more non fiction, I do occasionally read fiction but sometimes feel a bit embarrassed that I should have read a lot of the famous novels that I haven't.

Anyway I can occasionally be ditzy.
I was chatting to him yesterday and I said something about the topic of indigenous people. Looking back it was clumsily worded really, but I know what I meant.
He reacted as if I'd asked him to spell my own name. He said, "Omg seriously!!" "Like come on!!" "How on earth can you not know that!!" "What the hell!"
He was clearly annoyed, and I told him that I didn't think it had warranted such an angry reaction, I hadn't said anything controversial or offensive.
Later on we got into a discussion about it and I asked him if he'd have reacted like that if someone else had said it, i.e. a colleague or family member. I couldn't imagine him doing so. He said, "No, as I don't think they'd say something like that." He then calmly explained the mistake I'd made about indigenous people and I told him that's all that had been required.

His elderly aunt said she couldn't picture where NYC was on a map and he didn't say anything to her, but told me later on that he was frustrated at her 'lack of knowledge and curiosity."

Anyway during our discussion he did apologise for overreacting and then told me that I'm great but he "wishes I had more curiosity about the world."

I told him that I understood but I suppose now I'm second guessing. I like to travel, I watch a lot of travel documentaries, I'm interested in current affairs and happy to try new things. It's not the same as saying " You're great but I wish you did the dishes more." For instance.
Just interested to see what others think. I don't want someone to feel intellectually superior to me, though I'm probably just being too sensitive. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 10:14

IrisVersicolor · 03/08/2022 10:13

I have a friend who is perhaps similar to you. Master’s level education but her general knowledge is abysmal and she comes out with some howlers that make me go wtf. I do get frustrated at her lack of curiosity, so I understand where your DP is coming from.

Do you shout at her about how stupid she is and expect her to remain friends with yo?

Therealpink · 03/08/2022 10:15

YABU to accept being disrespected by this arrogant prick.

Discovereads · 03/08/2022 10:15

girlmom21 · 03/08/2022 09:55

@Discovereads @thedancingbear I agree with you both that if she's been racist he should address it immediately and firmly - but he responded with "Omg seriously!!" "Like come on!!" "How on earth can you not know that!!" "What the hell!"

That doesn't sound like a man angry at racism.

Except, the OP stated he was in fact angry when he said those things.
He was clearly annoyed, and I told him that I didn't think it had warranted such an angry reaction

So he was angry, the question is why was he angry?

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 10:19

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 10:14

So many people missing the point.

Even if OP did say something racist, her loving partner has 2 options.

  1. Give her the benefit of the doubt as he knows and loves her and knows she is not racist. Explain kindly that what she said was racist.
  1. Accept that she is a massive racist and re-evaluate their relationship.

Neither of these requires shouting or asking her to change. These sorts of relationship issues are not about the specific thing that makes the couple incompatible. They are about the refusal of one party to acknowledge that incompatibility is just a thing and the only solution is to end the relationship, not yell at the person and expect them to change.

I think, if you discover someone is racist

(i) they are owed no 'kindness' (your word) at all
(ii) we have a moral duty to ask them to change

You may feel different; up to you. But the prevailing attitude on MN to race and racism is becoming increasingly shit, and it hasn't gone unnoticed (have a read on the Black Mumsnetters forum for evidence). I wouldn't say the forum has become, or has ever been, racist, but it has become anti-anti-racist, which is almost as bad. And your post is evidence of that.

IrisVersicolor · 03/08/2022 10:21

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 10:14

Do you shout at her about how stupid she is and expect her to remain friends with yo?

Show quote history

OP doesn’t say he ‘shouted’ at her just that he was angry, nor does she say he called her ‘stupid’.

She’s more keen on the friendship than I am tbh, I certainly couldn’t live with that on a daily basis.

Discovereads · 03/08/2022 10:23

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 10:14

So many people missing the point.

Even if OP did say something racist, her loving partner has 2 options.

  1. Give her the benefit of the doubt as he knows and loves her and knows she is not racist. Explain kindly that what she said was racist.
  1. Accept that she is a massive racist and re-evaluate their relationship.

Neither of these requires shouting or asking her to change. These sorts of relationship issues are not about the specific thing that makes the couple incompatible. They are about the refusal of one party to acknowledge that incompatibility is just a thing and the only solution is to end the relationship, not yell at the person and expect them to change.

OP doesn’t say he shouted or yelled. That’s an imaginative embellishment added by LTB posters. And Option #1 the tone policing “be kind” in the face of racism does require the OP to change- to change her racist point of view. I don’t think any ethical person would be ok with explaining why something a partner said or thinks is racist and that partner going “well get stuffed that’s my opinion and you can go pound sand if you think you’ve changed my mind.” And obviously, if she refuses to change you are then on to Option #2 of end the relationship.

FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2022 10:23

Didn’t you post something similar recently? About people not finding you interesting because you don’t have certain types of general knowledge? You’re allowing your partner to chip away at your self esteem. Of course you have curiosity about the world. You and he just have different education and life experience, and have read different things.
He really doesn’t sound very nice. Watch out for him being critical in other ways and destroying your confidence.

CallOnMe · 03/08/2022 10:23

I think you are just incompatible.

I have been with someone who was less bright than myself (I’m not overly bright) and even though he was lovely, it was quite difficult at times.

I’d also be put off by someone who was much brighter than me as we’d probably not have much to talk about.

I can see why he wouldn’t say anything to an elderly relative as she’s probably not that bright but he gets more frustrated with you because you are bright so it ‘should be something you know’.

I would tell him not to speak to me like that and if I didn’t know something then he should be explaining it, not be rude or patronising.

Stephen Hawking is one of the most intelligent people in the world.
But I can guarantee that there are some things that many people know more about than he does because it’s not his area of interest.

Doctors are extremely bright and talented but I wouldn’t expect one to know why my car had broken down - I wouldn’t be rude about it, as I know it’s not their area of expertise.

Id speak to him but it could be that you are just not compatible enough.

girlmom21 · 03/08/2022 10:24

@thedancingbear I think you've convinced me.

I want to know what she said now too.

drhf · 03/08/2022 10:25

OP, you said you don't read novels much, but if you haven't read it, you could try reading Middlemarch.

It's about a bright, kind woman who saddles herself with an insufferably pompous, insecure and vindictive pseudo-intellectual husband who makes her feel inferior and boasts of his own scholarly brilliance while achieving nothing himself. He does his best to make the heroine's life a misery, including from beyond the grave, but she eventually manages to be happy despite him.

Buythebag · 03/08/2022 10:26

He is intimidated by your education and his lack of and is jumping on you when you make a small mistake about something to try and belittle you and make you feel not as intelligent as you think you are. And it seems to be working as you're questioning yourself OP?

Thats all it is, I promise you. He's a prick.

Oblomov22 · 03/08/2022 10:26

You yourself used the word dim. You may have an MA but you say you are dipsy. Many people may be academic but unwordlywise. You sound very lacking in self esteem.

Buythebag · 03/08/2022 10:27

drhf · 03/08/2022 10:25

OP, you said you don't read novels much, but if you haven't read it, you could try reading Middlemarch.

It's about a bright, kind woman who saddles herself with an insufferably pompous, insecure and vindictive pseudo-intellectual husband who makes her feel inferior and boasts of his own scholarly brilliance while achieving nothing himself. He does his best to make the heroine's life a misery, including from beyond the grave, but she eventually manages to be happy despite him.

Brilliant!

Idontthink · 03/08/2022 10:30

It takes all sorts to make the world interesting. So what if you’ve not read the “famous”books maybe it’s just not interesting to you.

Wnikat · 03/08/2022 10:34

Sounds like he's negging on you because he feels intellectually inferior. Up to you whether you want to put up with that.

Wnikat · 03/08/2022 10:35

This is a Caitlin Moran quote that I think is apt here: There are boys out there who look for shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart.

godmum56 · 03/08/2022 10:37

Wnikat · 03/08/2022 10:35

This is a Caitlin Moran quote that I think is apt here: There are boys out there who look for shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart.

yup, this.

RincewindsHat · 03/08/2022 10:43

I don't know if there's any coming back from that. The problem is not you, it's him.

I had similar with someone who'd been a close friend since university; despite us both having top grades throughout school and both leaving one of the top universities in the country (and world for that matter) with a 2:1, she made it pretty clear she basically thought I was not that intelligent, and that I somehow got lucky and only earned my degree because I was "good at exams". This same friend merrily says her IQ is "off the charts" according to Mensa despite her taking two tests, only one of which gave that particular result, and the other put her in the top 7% only. I've never tested that low on any IQ test I've taken, yet that does not deter her from making comments about my inferior intellectual abilities as and when she feels like it. I never invite or open these conversations, so I don't know why she had to make multiple comments and go out of her way to give me her opinion.

Anyway, it's simply not my issue. We are no longer close because I refuse to be the foil for someone's superiority complex.

SuperPets · 03/08/2022 10:44

Stephen Hawking is one of the most intelligent people in the world. But I can guarantee that there are some things that many people know more about than he does because it’s not his area of interest

Being alive is no longer in his current areas of interest

5zeds · 03/08/2022 10:47

It shouldn’t be this hard. Your partner should make you feel better not worse, stronger not weaker. He may be a lovely man, he may be an arse but he doesn’t lift you up. Find someone who does.

As an aside “curious about the world”???? Seriously? What twiddle is this? He sounds unbearably pompous and keen to be seen as intelligent. Is he kind at all?

Transformatio · 03/08/2022 10:52

He sounds like he's got a massive chip on his shoulder, and latches on to his 'world knowledge and curiosity' as a way to build himself up whilst bringing others down.

TokyoTen · 03/08/2022 10:52

To me your partner sounds a bit of a prick! Everyone is different and has different areas of knowledge. For example: personally I know a lot about IT systems because that's my job, I don't know lots about history. I doubt my DM could pinpoint New York on a map either - but she knows all the native birds, trees and flowers by name. It seems a silly thing for your DP to make a point about - unless he is trying to show off his knowledge and perhaps over compensate for what he sees as a lack of formal qualifications. Whilst it may sound an over-reaction I'd be assessing if he's the right person for me - simply because having a conversation about something where I could get picked up on my lack of curiosity.and knowledge would get very tiresome.

HyperionWarbonnet · 03/08/2022 10:55

ShirleyJackson · 03/08/2022 07:36

Id encourage him to indulge his ‘curiosity about the world’ by packing his bags and buying him a one-way ticket to Fuckoffsville.

Prick.

This. He is a cock. Get rid.

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 11:02

"OP doesn’t say he shouted or yelled. That’s an imaginative embellishment added by LTB posters. And Option #1 the tone policing “be kind” in the face of racism does require the OP to change- to change her racist point of view. I don’t think any ethical person would be ok with explaining why something a partner said or thinks is racist and that partner going “well get stuffed that’s my opinion and you can go pound sand if you think you’ve changed my mind.” And obviously, if she refuses to change you are then on to Option #2 of end the relationship."

No, you've misunderstood @Discovereads.
Option 1 is where the DP knows that OP is not racist but realises she has inadvertently said something which SOUNDS racist. There is no belief to be changed, no racism to be kind about, because all he is doing is explaining that she used the wrong words.

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 11:03

@thedancingbear please read my post below. I am in no way advcocating kindness towards racists. You are, however, skim reading and jumping to conclusions to fit your own narrative.