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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really pissed off about this

101 replies

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 17:22

So DH ALLOWED us to book a holiday last week and now he is saying he doesn’t want to be together, he went out all weekend again and I treated him ‘badly’ whilst he was there as I was struggling with COVID and both kids were poorly (2 and 5) he couldn’t get any signal and I needed some support. Anyway, he said on the back of the way I treated him he doesn’t love me anymore, still not wants to go away and has been flirting with me all day, now he is saying he loves me but doesn’t like me. I’ve asked him if there is somebody else and he says there isn’t, I believe him honestly he would just tell me at this point I think. I am getting the vibe that he wants me be affectionate to him but then he is shutting me down? I’m really confused, please help

OP posts:
Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 20:57

@WhiskerPatrol why do you say that?

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 02/08/2022 21:03

What if you are crazy?

Well - genuinely - so what?

You’re not the one blowing hot and cold, you’re not the one making bold statements about your kid’s birthday and holiday that actually aren’t relevant.

Honestly I’d be telling him ok, he doesn’t love you. He needs to move out and you will instigate a proper split. If he believes he’s fallen out of love but wants to ‘get the magic back’ then he should maybe offer more support with the children when you’re ill and want to woo you more.

This is not the behaviour of a man who is in love but feeling rejected. This is the behaviour of a man trying to get his wife to dump him so he doesn’t look like the bad guy when his girlfriend comes to light.

PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 21:05

Stop talking to his family. Take your mum.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/08/2022 21:17

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 20:57

@WhiskerPatrol why do you say that?

Because you do sound about 13 and its sounding more like a wind up with every post you make.

00100001 · 02/08/2022 21:48

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:52

Now he has just told me he wants to stay together as it will damage the kids if we split? Wtf is going on here?

Oh yes of course, because a dad that fucks off, is uncontactable, "allows" the family to go on holiday and treats the kids mother like crap definitely won't damage the kids...

CloudPop · 02/08/2022 22:07

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:07

My daughter is being a flower girl for his grandma’s wedding too and he said I am not allowed to that even though my daughter said she can’t wait for me to see her.

Ok that's it. Walk. This is appalling behaviour and it is not going to improve. Make plans for separation.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2022 23:08

Are you familiar with gaslighting?

www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470

You need to trust in your own instincts, not the things he is trying to make you feel. You know this relationship is not healthy for you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 02/08/2022 23:34

Look at what he does not what he says
He's playing mindgames to make you constantly doubt yourself and getting a kick out of it
I would take your Mum on holiday as even if he did come with you, your DD will notice underlying tension and you'll be walking on eggshells
Make YOUR decision to get rid and stick to it
Don't give the wedding another thought at the moment

Musti · 02/08/2022 23:41

Wtf? He went away whilst you were poorly with covid and looking after 2 young kids? He’s an arsehole. Leave him

Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 23:50

But he said he is acting this way on the back of how I treat him?

OP posts:
Musti · 03/08/2022 01:20

Op listen. He’s a lazy wanker who is messing with your head.

let me ask you. If he had been portly with covid, would you have gone away for the weekend and left him looking after 2 young kids?

No one would do that unless there was no other choice.

deeperthanallroses · 03/08/2022 01:28

Please reread what everyone is saying op. There is no point trying to understand him beyond he just wants you miserable and only doing things to support him whether the dc need attention or not or whether you are ill ir not. He doesn’t love the dc, they are just tools to hurt you with. He enjoys hurting you by saying these things. That’s it. You can’t fix it. But you are not worthless, you are not causing it, you should not be looking after a grown man out having fun while you are at home parenting young children with covid. All of his demands are unreasonable.

now, the holiday - you don’t need to go to keep the children happy. You don’t owe your youngest a holiday. He does owe both of them him being a responsible dad but he won’t do that. Can you cancel and get the money back? Can you go without him?

and most importantly what are your options to leave? Do you work? Is it his house / rented / are both of you on the tenancy? Have you supportive family?

MissyCooperismyShero · 03/08/2022 01:44

Op, look at yourself. Have you any idea why you are being so ridiculously passive in all this? You do sound addicted to drama. You are failing your children. You clearly do not want to leave him. You can't change him and he doesn't love you, like you or respect you. The pair of you sound completely toxic. Stop listening to what he says and judge him by his behaviour, which is crap, so leave him.

Original poster
SayNoho · 03/08/2022 07:33

Yes you are right, I need to be much stronger!

OP posts:
spidersenses · 03/08/2022 08:07

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 20:23

Writing my feelings out and getting responses from women who know what they are talking about isn’t a bad thing in my opinion, it is keeping me calm and rational.

But you're not writing your feelings out, you're just writing out all of the daft things he is saying and fixating on it. I mean this kindly, his is manipulating and controlling you emotionally via this. Detach from his words.

Original poster
SayNoho · 03/08/2022 08:10

I’m just going to focus on the kids, I can’t crumble, he is a dick head and I will be ok

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 03/08/2022 08:29

Fgs. Stop dancing to his tune and stand up for yourself! Of course you're not crazy. He's clearly an utter twat, and he clearly knows full well he can say what he likes, blow hot and cold, change his mind, and all you will do is question yourself instead of calling him out on his bullshit.

Please don't do what so many women seem to do in this situation- i.e. spend ages torturing yourself trying to puzzle out what's going on and why he's doing this. There is no puzzle. He is a twat and he's taking you for an utter fool - simple.

Original poster
SayNoho · 03/08/2022 11:52

@Fairislefandango yes I cannot carry on like this!

OP posts:
Original poster
SayNoho · 03/08/2022 20:41

Can I just ask what he means when he says I need to drop my expectations, he says if I didn’t have any expectations I wouldn’t always be let down?

OP posts:
WinterMusings · 03/08/2022 20:45

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 17:45

He is saying the kids will want him there, in trapped

It's not up to the kids.

petalsandstars · 03/08/2022 20:46

He means if you don’t expect anything from him then when he does nothing you can’t complain.

basically he wants to do nothing for/ with you and DC but with a maid /sex/chef to look after his needs

Original poster
SayNoho · 03/08/2022 21:04

I actually hate him

OP posts:
WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 03/08/2022 21:26

He sounds like a narcissistic gaslighting selfish prick. He is messing with your head and your feelings. Have his stuff out on the front lawn and replace him with your brother/uncle/another decent family member for the holiday. Hes using the kids as a way to manipulate you too, leave him to it and don’t let him take you down with him. He’s a piece of shit scumbag. You and your children deserve better

Original poster
SayNoho · 03/08/2022 21:56

I’m so scared to do this on my own

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/08/2022 01:36

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 23:50

But he said he is acting this way on the back of how I treat him?

Again, you are being gaslighted. Read the link I posted.