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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off about this

101 replies

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 17:22

So DH ALLOWED us to book a holiday last week and now he is saying he doesn’t want to be together, he went out all weekend again and I treated him ‘badly’ whilst he was there as I was struggling with COVID and both kids were poorly (2 and 5) he couldn’t get any signal and I needed some support. Anyway, he said on the back of the way I treated him he doesn’t love me anymore, still not wants to go away and has been flirting with me all day, now he is saying he loves me but doesn’t like me. I’ve asked him if there is somebody else and he says there isn’t, I believe him honestly he would just tell me at this point I think. I am getting the vibe that he wants me be affectionate to him but then he is shutting me down? I’m really confused, please help

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 02/08/2022 19:19

Jesus, why are you so wet?

Have you considered that OP may be in a coercive and controlling relationship with this twat, that he has ground down her sense of self-worth over the years and manipulated her to the extent that she now believes him when he tells her that all their problems are her fault as she is 'making' him behave badly?

OP, I'm sorry to say he doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't mess with your head like this, rejecting you then showing you just enough affection to keep you hanging on only to reject you again. The holiday is a red herring. You need to get out of this relationship.

Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:20

@heattreat no he said it after she went outside.

OP posts:
00100001 · 02/08/2022 19:32

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:07

My daughter is being a flower girl for his grandma’s wedding too and he said I am not allowed to that even though my daughter said she can’t wait for me to see her.

How can he stop you?? Confused

Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:33

Because it’s weird to come to one of his family members wedding if we are not together.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 02/08/2022 19:33

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:07

My daughter is being a flower girl for his grandma’s wedding too and he said I am not allowed to that even though my daughter said she can’t wait for me to see her.

He is abusing you and your daughter. Who would do that to a 5yr old? Only a very pathetic man.

I suggest you do the freedom programme, speak to women's aid and get rid.

And as for the wedding - if you are on speaking terms with his mother speak to her about being their for your daughter - don't rely on this prick who will keep you dancing the pick me dance as long as it suits him!

Ginnypotter44 · 02/08/2022 19:35

I genuinely don't understand how people have the time for this bullshit. You're a mum of two young kids, focus your attention on them instead of trying to decipher what his twatty behaviour may or may not mean.

00100001 · 02/08/2022 19:36

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:33

Because it’s weird to come to one of his family members wedding if we are not together.

...so how can he stop you....?

If your DD and her Grandmother both want each other there... Then how can your DH actually stop her going?

He will either take her to the wedding to be flower girl, or you will...So, if he refuses to take her.... What is physically stopping YOU taking her?

2pinkginsplease · 02/08/2022 19:38

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:33

Because it’s weird to come to one of his family members wedding if we are not together.

It’s also weird to go on holiday with someone when you are not together.

you need to take control and stand up for yourself, speak to a friend or your mum , you need support, don’t be app let him walk all over you,

Dottodo · 02/08/2022 19:47

You really need to research coercive control. He’s making you doubt yourself.

Leave him before you wake up one day and realise you’ve wasted your life on this prick.

Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:52

Now he has just told me he wants to stay together as it will damage the kids if we split? Wtf is going on here?

OP posts:
user3346315 · 02/08/2022 19:55

Absolutely call his bluff!!
He wants you to chase him and wants some attention. How childish.
Say yes sure. It isn't what I want but I would like you to be happy.

He will be running back asap! 😂😂

ManateeFair · 02/08/2022 19:58

He’s deliberately messing you around to make you feel insecure. He knows what he’s doing. He’s a shit.

ColadhSamh · 02/08/2022 20:06

Why are you ignoring what others on here are telling you?. Please show some courtesy and acknowledge that you are reading them even if you are not prepared to accept what you are being told. You have been given some very good advice, please read it and give it some thought

HTH1 · 02/08/2022 20:09

Stripyhoglets1 · 02/08/2022 17:50

Take your mum with you then.

Go on the holiday and dump his sorry arse.

You won't get your money back now so don't waste your mums money on this idiot who's messing with your emotions.

If he loved you he wouldn't have left you either 2 kids while feeling ill.

Yep.

Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 20:13

@ColadhSamh I really am listening!

OP posts:
Heattreat · 02/08/2022 20:18

I mean this nicely but stop arguing with him now, your children are about and they know what's going on!

Stop conducting your life over mumsnet.

Ask him to calmly leave and discuss this when your children are not around. If he goes you'll have time to think carefully. At the moment it sounds like some sort of drunken argument with threats and make ups within minutes of each other.

Get some space!

Sexnotgender · 02/08/2022 20:18

You’re acting like he’s in charge.

Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 20:23

Writing my feelings out and getting responses from women who know what they are talking about isn’t a bad thing in my opinion, it is keeping me calm and rational.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 20:24

I would never raise my voice or argue whilst the kids were there, DD was in the garden and this was just a chat, I mean she will sense something is up because there is, stuff happens in life

OP posts:
Holidayworries · 02/08/2022 20:31

Are you reading the responses? Or do you just like the drama of your relationship?

Beancounter1 · 02/08/2022 20:34

SayNoho · 02/08/2022 19:52

Now he has just told me he wants to stay together as it will damage the kids if we split? Wtf is going on here?

And you are still paying heed to his words.

HIS WORDS ARE MEANINGLESS.

I will tell you wtf is going on - he will say anything, literally anything, if he thinks it will benefit him in some way or increase his control over you.

vipersnest1 · 02/08/2022 20:34

@SayNoho, do you know what gaslighting is? That's exactly what he's doing. He's got you doubting yourself, especially with all the comments about his friends and what they have to say about you.

It's not going to get better sadly.
He's doing the classic pushing you away and then reeling you in, so you don't know where you stand.

It's not you, it's definitely him.

As for staying together for the children, is it fair or right for them to have a mum who is miserable all of the time, and a dad who has not respect (and possibly open dislike) towards their partner who they are supposed to love? I know that sounds harsh.

I put up with several years of it and thought I was doing the best thing for my children. I wasn't (and ultimately in my case OW emerged). It was the best thing when I finally had the courage to challenge him and tell him I didn't want to be with him anymore. It's taken several more years to get my old self back as much as I can, but I'm still marked by it. In my case I'm very fearful of making a man angry with me.

That's more about me than you, but I suspect you will recognise much of what I've said.

Seriously, don't do it to yourself and your children - you all deserve so much more.

Original poster
SayNoho · 02/08/2022 20:34

@Holidayworries no I absolutely hate the drama, I just don’t know what to do. I am being made out to be crazy and what if I am?

OP posts:
Heattreat · 02/08/2022 20:36

Get your child in from the garden, tell him to go and start calming down for the evening.

Of course she knows somethings going on!

You cannot have this conversation now.

WhiskerPatrol · 02/08/2022 20:36

Can't believe you're old enough to be married with 2 kids, you sound about 13. Hide his passport and take your mum on the holiday.