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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit upset by my best friend..

89 replies

groovyychick · 02/08/2022 12:59

My best friends baby is getting christened soon and I am a godparent. I have 2 children and has been with my partner 10 years but we separated 6 months ago. We have recently decided to give it another go, spend time as a family etc. my children are 5 and 10 months respectively.
My eldest really wants to come to the christening, so I asked if their dad could come with us, meaning that all 4 of us could go and have a day as a family. Meaning I wouldn't have to leave DS sat with strangers if I have to go up to the front of the church.
She outright said no. Because she doesn't like how he treated me. Granted he was a shit to me but I was no Angel either. She said her partner thinks we are a joke. He didn't want me as godmother either as he said I wouldn't provide a stable home and had enough on my plate. I have more savings than my friend does, I've brought up 2 children, I'm working. He seems very judgemental.
It means either it's just me and DS who will be on his own at times or I go alone.
I'm keeping the peace and going regardless but am I unreasonable to be a bit upset secretly??

OP posts:

Jengnr · 02/08/2022 13:01

Or don’t go?

Original poster

groovyychick · 02/08/2022 13:02

I felt like telling her to shove it up her backside tbh but then I didn't want to cause any drama.

OP posts:

RunningFromInsanity · 02/08/2022 13:04

I think she has a point. It’s extremely hard and frustrating watching your friend be in a shit relationship, and just when you think she is out of it, she gets back together with them.

AuntieMarys · 02/08/2022 13:05

I wouldnt invite someone I didn't like either.

Original poster

groovyychick · 02/08/2022 13:06

It is kind of why I took a deep breath and didn't say anything. But it just means I can't bring my family.

OP posts:

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 02/08/2022 13:06

What did he do?

Original poster

groovyychick · 02/08/2022 13:07

He was just an arsehole with me really. He was sexting someone behind my back. I was texting someone myself who I then started sleeping with well started a relationship with once we broke up. So we're as bad as each other in some respects.

OP posts:

Pookymalooky · 02/08/2022 13:19

Firstly I think her dh is correct you don’t seem to be in a stable place as what you’ve described above supports that.
secondly, I don’t think you should accept being a godparent when one of the actual parents were not keen on you fulfilling the role to begin with. I think you need to graciously decline, maybe still attend as an individual for your friend but that’s it.

peaceandharmonyinalltheworlddd · 02/08/2022 13:21

I completely agree with her DH.

Crunchymum · 02/08/2022 13:22

groovyychick · 02/08/2022 13:07

Seems your friends husband has a point?

bridgetreilly · 02/08/2022 13:24

Technically no one needs an invitation to a church service,
. But given that you’ve asked and been told no, you have to suck it up. Fwiw, it’s often harder to forgive people for hurting someone you love than to forgive people who hurt you.

Peashoots · 02/08/2022 13:26

I’m surprised by the messages here. You were both texting people, sounds like you’re spot on that neither of you were angels. Whether your friend likes it or not, you’re back together, she’s actually being really rude. Her partner sounds a judgemental twat too. I can’t believe she actually told you he didn’t want you as godmother. I would go to their christening and I wouldn’t be their kids godmother since he thinks you aren’t good enough.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/08/2022 13:28

I don’t think you can immediately expect your friends to just accept somebody who treated you badly back into their lives in the way you have yours. They sound like good friends who care for you and have your interests at heart, even though you clearly see their views in him as an attack towards you. In their position, I’d want to see him making some real commitments to changing his behaviour and treating you better before socialising with him again.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 02/08/2022 13:30

You haven't brought up two children yet, one is only 10 months and the other is 5. And I get the feeling there may be more to this than you're saying really, or more than you've told your friend. Did you tell her you were texting people too, or just mention the fact your partner was?

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 02/08/2022 13:30

I'd let it go.

It sounds like she's refused your partner to attend because of the strength of feeling her other half has against him as much as anything else.

I don't understand the comment about stable home, a godparent doesn't undertake to take the children if both parents die - that's a different committment. A godparent is there to help guide them through life and, strictly speaking, be a better Christian.

rainyskylight · 02/08/2022 13:34

I'm with her DH.

Prinnny · 02/08/2022 13:36

I hate it when friends take back their shitty exs and expect us all to pretend like it never happened, so yes YABU. I wouldn’t want someone I don’t like at my kids christening either.

SmellyToilet · 02/08/2022 13:41

YABU. You might want to paper over the cracks but doesn’t mean your friends have to.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2022 13:43

It sounds like her husband has a point

Brigante9 · 02/08/2022 13:44

I’m team friend’s Dh. You don’t sound like someone I’d want my child to have as a godparent.

DesignerRecliner · 02/08/2022 13:45

YABU and I admire your friend for her honesty. It's shit watching your friends attempt to pull a 'family' together when the relationship is clearly doomed to fail

Pinkdelight3 · 02/08/2022 13:45

it just means I can't bring my family.

So don't bring your family. It's fine. Or take your DS - nothing untoward will happen if he sits with strangers in a church during a ceremony for a few mins. The mistake is dragging your partner into this with all the issues around it. If you hadn't got back together, you'd approve of her stance on him. You can't expect her to welcome him back just because you have. Splitting up when your DC is so tiny must have been a biggie, whether you were both cheating or not. I just wouldn't open that can of worms, keep it about friend and her DC and keep taking those deep breaths.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/08/2022 13:46

Team the husband. Your relationship does sound like a joke, sorry, and I wouldn’t have you as godmother given how unstable things seem.

It’s their child’s christening, they want a peaceful, happy, stress free day.

SunshineAndFizz · 02/08/2022 13:51

Sorry but I wouldn't want your partner there either.

There are consequences of bad behaviour.

It's fine to go by yourself or with your DC.

Googlecanthelpme · 02/08/2022 13:51

kind of depends - if he beat you up or stole all your life savings or cheated on your with your mum then yeah your mum and her hb have a point.

However if it was more like you had a shitty time in your relationship and you both acted badly but have taken steps to address the issues and are working hard to rebuild trust and love together then maybe she is being a little unkind and judgmental

i do think you have to be honest with yourself about the reasons they might feel like this. If you do after honest appraisal think they are being too harsh, then you can talk civilly to friend to ask if she could look to give DP benefit of the doubt and support you to move forward together.

meanwhile isn’t forgiveness right up there with the number one things for Christian’s? If her and her hubby ain’t down with the forgiveness and second chances, one can question why they are Baptising their kid?
for show I expect.

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