To be a bit upset by my best friend..

[groovyychick]

My best friends baby is getting christened soon and I am a godparent. I have 2 children and has been with my partner 10 years but we separated 6 months ago. We have recently decided to give it another go, spend time as a family etc. my children are 5 and 10 months respectively.
My eldest really wants to come to the christening, so I asked if their dad could come with us, meaning that all 4 of us could go and have a day as a family. Meaning I wouldn't have to leave DS sat with strangers if I have to go up to the front of the church.
She outright said no. Because she doesn't like how he treated me. Granted he was a shit to me but I was no Angel either. She said her partner thinks we are a joke. He didn't want me as godmother either as he said I wouldn't provide a stable home and had enough on my plate. I have more savings than my friend does, I've brought up 2 children, I'm working. He seems very judgemental.
It means either it's just me and DS who will be on his own at times or I go alone.
I'm keeping the peace and going regardless but am I unreasonable to be a bit upset secretly??

Sorry your friend* and her DP not mum

Assuming your DS is the 5 yr old he should be fine to sit unaccompanied for a few minutes, or if not he can come up with you. Or he can stay at home. I don’t think you can really expect them to have someone who they really dislike (for good reason) at something as intimate as a christening just because you’ve decided to give things another go.

Oh and BTW I don’t think you do sound as bad as each other- unless you were also sexting the other guy whilst you were in a long term relationship. Don’t fall into the trap of justifying your decision to take your ex back by making out you’re equally to blame unless you really do believe it.

Thanks everyone. I sent the other guy a photo of myself in a corset underwear type thing once and I knew he was pretty much in love with me and didn't stop it. I slept with him just over a month after we split up. I maybe wasn't as bad as what he did but I still wasn't great.
I had bereavements, miscarriages.. just a really shitty time and I think it just tore us apart.
I told my friend most of the story but I guess like most people it was my side of the story and you always look better from your side don't you.
He isn't her husband and they didn't even live together when she got pregnant, so they aren't perfect either.
I've only met her partner probably around 5 times in total.

I am on the fence.

I had a boyfriend when I was 21/22, and had been with him for 2 years, and he disliked my (so-called) best friend who I had known since we were 9 or 10. He disliked her because she constantly let me down, shit on me, dumped me in favour of her current boyfriend, (each one lasted 3 or 4 months,) and she dropped me like a red hot brick in favour of her latest bloke or another mate. She also borrowed money from me and never gave it back. He was never horrible to her, he just didn't engage with her and walked off when he saw her coming (so I'd stay there a few minutes taking to her alone.)

When we were 24, I had been with him for 3 years, and she said she was getting married to the bloke she had been with for 6 months, and it was just 8 weeks away. I got no invite. I was hugely insulted and upset, and angry, as we had been friends around 15 years (two thirds of our life so far!) I found out a few weeks after that my DP being cold with her, was the reason I was not invited.

Me and my DP (now my DH,) bought a house shortly after, 17 miles away in another county, and I ceased contact with her. She left me 3 or 4 answerphone messages, asking me to call her and we can go out for a drink. I thought 'fuck off, you couldn't be arsed to invite me to your bloody wedding, just coz you dislike my partner, so fuck off.' She had invited about 10 other friends, and had 5 of them as bridesmaids. But no invite for me.

She gave up in the end and the friendship was dead. I saw her several times over some 3 or 4 years after in passing, and I ignored her. I wonder if she ever realised why. She must be as thick as two short planks if she doesn't know.

So your friend needs to be careful. Friendships die in situations like this.

I don’t think whether they’re “perfect” is relevant. It’s their child’s Christening, it is a ceremony literally all about them promising to raise their child with good values and having godparents commit to doing the same. He’s obviously tolerating you as a godparent because you are the best friend of his partner, but I don’t think he’s unreasonable not to want your boyfriend of dubious moral character tagging along purely so that the two of you can play happy families together. There’s no benefit to your friends or their baby for him being there, and this is their day.

They can think what they like about you and your partner, but I think it's unspeakably rude to tell someone to their face that you/your husband thinks that their relationship is a joke. I would be politely declining the position of godmother tbh. It sounds like your friend and her DH are just trying to cause drama if you ask me.

My daughter is being christened in September and I don't think I'll invite her partner.

Tbh your 5 year old doesn't really care about a christening.

Just go with your baby if needs be, and going forward keep an eye on your relationship, he doesn't sound like a keeper.

She outright said no. Because she doesn't like how he treated me Good for her for having the courage to stand up and be honest about not wanting him there. That can’t have been easy for her, knowing how it would make you feel, but standing by her principles anyway.

Granted he was a shit to me but I was no Angel either He isn’t her friend though. And she doesn’t have to pretend to like him. She certainly doesn’t have to have him at a family event or have to smile and be friendly to a man you’re unlikely to be with in a couple of years.

She said her partner thinks we are a joke. He didn't want me as godmother either as he said I wouldn't provide a stable home and had enough on my plate. I have more savings than my friend does, I've brought up 2 children, I'm working. He seems very judgemental That probably wasn’t the most sensitive way to tell you that her DP didn’t agree with her asking you, but I suspect she used it to demonstrate that she wasn’t alone in thinking that your relationship isn’t going to work and that her partner doesn’t want him there either. And, let’s be honest here, if you were thinking about the best home for your child in the event of not being able to care for them, would a couple who were both messing about with other people be your first choice? You want your child to have a stable home life and it doesn’t sound like you’re particularly settled. It isn’t just about your bank account or your job. You aren’t even a third of the way of bringing up your children, so I don’t think you can take any credit for turning out well adjusted adults just yet.

It means either it's just me and DS who will be on his own at times or I go alone.
I'm keeping the peace and going regardless but am I unreasonable to be a bit upset secretly?? Yeah, I think you really are. Your friend loves you and obviously supports you. You mean so much to her that she’s gone against her DP’s wishes to have you as a god parent. What she doesn’t have to do is pretend she agrees with all of your choices, especially when they aren’t good choices. You’ll be at the font for five minutes maximum and then you won’t need to leave him alone again.

I also wouldn’t want your partner there either. It may have been six of one and half a dozen of the other and it doesn’t really matter whose fault it was but it’s clearly a highly toxic relationship and the pair of you are trying to paper over the cracks.

I think they quite understandably don’t think your relationship will last and don’t want to indulge you in playing happy families when there are children involved in something this dysfunctional.

Sorry, I’m on your friend’s side. I wouldn’t want someone who’s been a sh*t to my friend there either.

Because you genuinely don’t like him and they way he has treated your friend or because you are petty?

@Hoppinggreen because he barely knows me and judges me.

You don't seem to get it. You can explain / make excuses here until you are blue in the face but they don't. want. you. there.

Her husband sounds like a bit of a dickhead but your friend has a point. The amount of times my friend got back with her abusive ex was so frustrating. I hated him and wouldn't have wanted him at any sort of event to do with my dc either.

However the comment about him not wanting you as godmother was unnecessary. She didn't have to tell you that and if it were me I would be inclined to say that I wouldn't do it, it's meant to be a joint decision and he clearly doesn't like you.

A godparent is there to help guide them through life and, strictly speaking, be a better Christian.

Generally gauged more on things like family values, faith, marriage vows etc than how big your savings account is?

With all this Christening going on, are you and your friend actual Christians?

I’m not, and so wouldn’t have my child Christened, or act as godparent in a religious service.

You have behaved badly as has your partner. All they have done is had a child while not living together so you think they 'are not perfect either'. Of course no one is perfect but your ideas seem skewed.
It's their baby's christening and she obviously cares about you to ask you to be godmother - and do you know what that mean? It's not the same as guardian, it is someone who will help raise the child in the faith to which it is being christened in the strictest sense, and to be a special person in their life in a looser sense.
But you obviously do not hold her in the same esteem nor does it sound like you'd be a good godmother anyway.
Aside from that why can't your five year old remain seated? You are only going up a few yards from where he'll be. You can carry your baby.

I think it sounds like you have a great honest friend who cares about you a lot and as others have said just because you are ready to forgive him doesn’t mean they are. It’s their child’s day and I wouldn’t want somebody I didn’t like at my event I think they are being honest and reasonable which is a rare quality. I’d rather have a friend be bluntly honest than humour me

She is my son's godmother so I do hold her in the same esteem. It was me who told her that godmother isn't the same as guardian, which is when he changed his mind about me being one.

Have you posted about this recently? There was a poster who was upset about a christening and the same issue of 'stability' was there.

Either way, I can understand your friends reluctance. You can't tell her about all the shit things your partner has done to you and then expect her to play nice with him

He isn't her husband and they didn't even live together when she got pregnant, so they aren't perfect either.

You think badly of them because they've not married and didn't move in before the pregnancy?🤨

He said I wouldn't provide a stable home (as a god parent)

This is a myth, a god parent doesn't become the child's guardian in the event of the parent's death.

To be blunt, this all sounds like unnecessary drama, just respect your friend's decision and don't spoil the day with bad feeling.

I doubt your ds would enjoy the day, particularly if he doesn't know anyone..you say he'll be sitting with strangers.

It's a mistake to involve friends in the details of a messy break up and essentially force them to take a (your) side. You've told them some dreadful things about your partner so of course they're not going to welcome him with open arms.

With all due respect, I wouldn't want you as a godparent to my child, either. You don't sound as if you have a moral compass and I wouldn't want you to have any influence over my child's life.

I would suggest to your friend that she finds someone more suitable to be godmother.

*He isn't her husband and they didn't even live together when she got pregnant, so they aren't perfect either.

You think badly of them because they've not married and didn't move in before the pregnancy?🤨*

Well exactly! That might alarm a Victorian, but it's hardly up there with sending sexy pics and shagging another guy when your DC is 5mo. Live how you like, but don't complain about people judging you when you're in a v pot/kettle situation.

Honestly, if you want to stay friends, you've got to stop making this about your partners, at least one of whom is unlikely to last. If you get all tit for tat angry about how her DP is as bad as your DP (he doesn't sound like), you can't win - no one will win, you'll just blow the whole thing up. And then when you split again, she won't be there for you.