To be a bit upset by my best friend..

[groovyychick]

My best friends baby is getting christened soon and I am a godparent. I have 2 children and has been with my partner 10 years but we separated 6 months ago. We have recently decided to give it another go, spend time as a family etc. my children are 5 and 10 months respectively.
My eldest really wants to come to the christening, so I asked if their dad could come with us, meaning that all 4 of us could go and have a day as a family. Meaning I wouldn't have to leave DS sat with strangers if I have to go up to the front of the church.
She outright said no. Because she doesn't like how he treated me. Granted he was a shit to me but I was no Angel either. She said her partner thinks we are a joke. He didn't want me as godmother either as he said I wouldn't provide a stable home and had enough on my plate. I have more savings than my friend does, I've brought up 2 children, I'm working. He seems very judgemental.
It means either it's just me and DS who will be on his own at times or I go alone.
I'm keeping the peace and going regardless but am I unreasonable to be a bit upset secretly??

Me too tbh

You don’t sound like someone who I’d want to be my child’s godmother.

You know the role of a godparent is to be there to give the kid spiritual and moral guidance, don’t you? I’m not a Christian but based on that I can see why your friend’s DH isn’t that keen on you being godmother. It isn’t about what job you have or how many children you’ve got.

Your relationship has been chaotic, you’ve been unfaithful to each other, all while your second child was barely more than a newborn, and your friend has listened to all your difficulties, and you’re now expecting her to support round two as if nothing’s happened.

With regards to your ex coming to the christening, they should absolutely not feel they have to have a man they detest present at their child’s special life event.

You say your 5-year-old wants to come - but if they can’t sit on a pew and watch on their own for the few minutes you’ll be standing at the font during the ceremony, they’re probably a bit young for it anyway. A christening is a full church service; it’s not a scintillating occasion for a 5-year-old to sit through so I don’t think they’re missing out by staying home with their dad.

He isn't her husband and they didn't even live together when she got pregnant, so they aren't perfect either.

Although they apparently do have a stable relationship that doesn’t involve sexting and sleeping with other people, so they seem to have a healthier relationship than you, perhaps.

A 5 yr old ' really wants to go' to a christening? There's a word called NO, go yourself.

This is great advice.

Her opinion of your partner/ex is formed on the basis of what you've told her.

Sorry but you're being very petty and prepared to wreck the friendship over this, which of course leaves both your dc without godparents.

I mean how can you be a god parent if you're not speaking?

Think about what's important here.

I get the impression the christening is just an excuse for a party and no one is taking the God parent thing very seriously. Most people don't these days unless very religious, God fearing Christians?
Your judgement of your friend's life choices, playing tit for tat is playground stuff and pretty hurtful if she has been there for you during your break up.

Your friend's child's christening isn't an excuse for you to have 'a family day out'.

It doesn't sound to me like you're properly back together, so all this 'now I can't have a day with my family' stuff seems a bit dramatic. If you're not living as a family why should everyone else pretend that nothing has changed?

I'd be judging you too if there was a chance you were going to be Godmother to my child.

Why is a five year old so keen to go to a christening anyway? They're boring enough for grown ups tbh. Your friend is not obliged to invite anyone to her child's christening. The whole point of being a god parent is to provide lifelong support anyway it shouldn't just be about the ceremony itself. If you can't commit to thar then maybe you should reconsider being god parent?

Thank you everyone. I think I'm probably not going to go at all, and we probably both need to find new friends.

What a shame! You must have been good friends to have chosen each other to be godparents.

Sounds like you were having a terrible time and your partner acted like an arse (as did you) but your friend probably saw you suffering and can’t stand the thought of you being back with this guy.

She hasn’t handled it well at all. It’s hard to know I guess but just feels sad really.

How has she handled it badly? She doesn't want her friend's cheating sexting prick of an ex at a happy event. Sounds like a decent friend to me.

It seems like an over reaction to your friend telling you she doesn't like how your partner treated you and doesn't want him at an event.

I guess your kids won't have God parents then?

Why not calm down and make a decision when you're feeling more rational.

There's a danger you may become very isolated if you cut off anyone who expresses disapproval of your dp's behaviour.

Was you directing that at me @MacKenzieMcHale?

If so in answer to your question judging your friends won’t make them behave in the way you want, it will just make them not be able to confide in you.

I had it myself recently op so I totally get where your friend is coming from. I HATE my friends husband, I think he’s a massive narcissistic prick but I never want my friend to feel stupid or small. I’m always honest with her but me putting my opinions on her and her choices won’t make her suddenly do what I think she should. It’s none of my business anyway, I’m not in her relationship.

Wow, you'd ruin a friendship because your abusive partner is not invited?
You started this circle by asking to invite him, which is rude in itself
I think you may regret your decision or is it his idea that you don't go at all - just curious

Seriously? You’re going to chuck away a significant friendship because she’s been honest (albeit brutally) with you about your partner?

You both sound very judgey about each other tbh. Do you even like each other?

What on earth do your savings have to do with it?

This! It is so infruiating wen friends take the shit partners back after spendig weeks moaning to friends

Also the christening is their family day , not an opportuunity for you to have afamily day out

Maybe the friend isn't trying to get the OP to do anything; she might just not want someone she dislikes at an important event for her family.

Good on your friend for not supporting you in making bad choices.

Are either of you actually Christians? Because you could have spoken to your minister about this.

Sounds like a good friend to me. I hate my best friends partner, no way in hell I'd invite him to any of my events. She knows this and understands it as she understands my reasons for disliking him.

I don't know about getting a new friend but I wouldn't be able to trust a man who was sexting behind my back while I was newly postpartum.

You sleeping with someone after you had broken up (I assume it was in order to understandably boost your self confidence and distract yourself from the useless man that had betrayed you) is not an case of you being as bad as each other. He'll do it again.

Shity situation OP. This is why you never ever tell anyone else your problems within your relationship. Then it allows them to cast opionions and judgement on your relationship and decisions.

I don't think it's new friends you need, it's just a lesson learned.

I'd still go and show face.

Actions speak louder than words and it will show within time you and your partner are on the right track.

Still invite them to the christening In September, it will show them that you and your partner are having a fresh start and they can get to know him xxx