To feel a bit hurt when people act this way

[Srx1]

It happens to me sometimes that I message a friend and they don't respond for a day or 234 however I can see that they have either been online or even posted an Instagram story or even looked at mine in the meantime. I understand people are busy and have lives but in these situations obviously not that busy. So they either don't care or they 'forgot'. When they eventually do respond, I just feel annoyed and don't even feel like responding anymore because I feel I don't matter to these people anyway. But of course I do because I feel bad if I ignore someone. And so I end up feeling like a fool.

Am I too sensitive? I just can't understand why have people forgotten how to communicate now that is easier than ever to reach out to someone. It doesn't help that I currently don't have close friends nearby due to moving so these things hurt a bit more.

YABU. But that's what social media is designed to do - make you feel lonely, sad and inadequate. The only cure is coming off it, I'm afraid.

Too sensitive in my opinion. Don’t you ever see a text etc when you’re busy actively doing something else (like doing a double authentication on your phone for work?) and think ‘I must reply’ and then it gets buried under 100 other messages? I assume that my friends all have full lives and care but are busy and amazingly enough I’m not their number one priority. Doesn’t mean anything about how much they like me!

"I understand people are busy and have lives but in these situations obviously not that busy."

Maybe they think they are busy and need to think about what they are doing even if you deem them 'not that busy'. Personally I like to respond to friendly communications (rather than quick 'arrangements' texts) when I have time, headspace and mental energy to give them my full attention.

Yes, you are being far too sensitive. Its very esy to read a message when you are busy doing other things and then forget to reply to it.

You need to stop thinking that you are so important that everyone else should drop whatever they are doing to respond to you.

I put my phone on sleep mode at night, and sometimes forget to take it off in the morning. I’m also not always the best at checking my notifications (especially when they’re not immediately obvious listed on the lock screen), so this means I miss messages. I’m not actively ignoring anyone, I genuinely haven’t seen.

i’ve also had occasions where I’ve seen a message, made a mental note to reply when I get a break in a busy day, and completely forget.

it happens, for reasons other than deliberate avoidance.

I am someone who always responds quickly. Having said that, I understand that sometimes people need time to construct a reply or they had a list of things to do before they respond to a message so will probably be following a pecking order of some sort.

For example, they had it in their mind to post a story and message a few people then you sent a message. They may still follow that order because they had that order in mind. So you may see them online, they may have checked your message and seen that it was not urgent or an emergency and then followed the order of the list in their head. It probably did not have anything to do with you being least important.
I think I would probably be hurt if they did not reply to my message at all. Not even an acknowledgement.

YABU. Unless it’s something that requires an immediate answer. Sometimes I think ‘I’ll answer later’ and I forget for a day or two. Sometimes I can’t be arsed to sit and text, I’m just not on the mood. It’s not personal.

But this is what I don't understand- how do people prioritise looking at stories or scrolling on instagram over replying to someone? For days as well? I totally understand people are busy or they can't reply this same second etc but surely you have a moment in a day when you can reply. I mean, people take phones to the bathrooms! 😆 I too like to respond when I have time to dedicate to this person but it is never taking me days..

I have tried to lower my expectations from people but in certain situations I just can't understand people's behaviour and it is driving me nuts and I don't know how to not take it personally.

This is me Op. 😬 I was better at messaging before I hit my 20s, now I get overwhelmed, I end up sitting on the message for a day or a few. I hope my friends don't get offended.

You need to exercise better mental discipline about not paying obsessive attention to other people’s online activities, or if that’s impossible, to remove yourself altogether from social media. You’re over-sensitised because of your move and lack of social friends, but it’s really counter-productive to base your self-esteem on the speediness of other peoples’ replies to you.

Honestly I hate watsapp... but it's used for most things. My manager sends our work allocation each week and any changes other wise I would get rid of it.

People looking at when someone is last online practically stalking them it's all so healthy. Just come off of social media platforms until you feel stronger.

I'm in 5 WhatsApp and 2 messenger groups and a couple of Facebook groups for work, we use them to communicate about stuff, I need to read/reply to those at work so it'll show me as active or having been online but I haven't replied to personal messages because I'm at work, then I may read them later because I finish late, don't want to reply when someone might be in bed and don't always remember the next day, though usually do reply.
My friend gets PA about this with me sometimes, but I can't be replying to a load of personal messages at work and she's already said she doesn't want me replying really late, but gets arsey when I don't reply until the next day.

When they eventually do respond, I just feel annoyed and don't even feel like responding anymore because I feel I don't matter to these people anyway.

The only person I ever felt like this about was my mother. I knew she wanted to be in touch with me, followed my interests and was always happy to hear from me.

I recognise I was very lucky to have a mother who loved me.

This is not the kind of relationship I want to have with friends. I seek out their company because I enjoy spending time with them. I happy adjust when we meet up, to suit our busy diaries. It would never occur to me to attribute a delayed response to anything other than 'stuff' happening in their lives.

Have you ever had any kind of safe space where you can talk about how you feel about things? It might be possible for you to unpick these feeling and work out what you the adult now need to be happy and secure in your attachments.

Good luck.

Your are being far too sensitive. Viewing or posting an Insta story is a quick task you can do while you're in the middle of something else. Whereas replying to a whatsapp takes longer, usually - esp if it involves having to check your diary to see if you're free, or similar.
Worse still is when you want to reply to a friends' message, but you know they're a "replyer" (which I'm guessing you are). If have 30 secs between meetings at work, and 5 whatsapps to respond to, I will priorotise the ones that are quick and transactional (eg/ "do we have milk") and put off the ones to friends that I KNOW will then reply with a follow-up.
Because while I might have a minute or two to answer a direct question, I don't have time to get into a back and forth of "how are yous."
I'd rather wait a few days til I can respond properly, but apparently by that point I'll have irritated more sensitive people who have more time on their hands.

I think you’re being needy which will make you more high maintenance and make people less likely to message you back if it come across

you need to let go of expectations of people and take people for what they are

if you’re being ignored then just leave people
only interact with people who you’re on the same page with in stuff like this

But this is what I don't understand- how do people prioritise looking at stories or scrolling on instagram over replying to someone?

Because it’s less effort.
Depends what you’re texting I guess. If you want to meet up or something I’d find time to text back to arrange that. If it’s just a generic ‘what you up to?’ I personally can’t be bothered with that unless I’m really bored. Text conversations about nothing in particular are tedious. I’m not a teenager anymore, it just doesn’t do it for me.

For me it depends on the content of the message. If you just open a general chat, I'll not actually reply until a time I'm able to sit and chat.

Scanning over someone's insta stories can be done while the kettles boiling or I'm queueing at the school gate. Equally, I won't engage in a chat back and forth if I'm doing something with the kids/watching a movie/etc however I can do other things on my phone at this time.

If you ask a specific question I'll aim to respond ASAP (eg "I'm picking up wine for Jane's birthday does she prefer red or white") as these are less likely to evolve into lengthy chats.

"How are you all" can wait til a time we can both chat.

A text is an invitation to reply. Not a duty.

Yes, you're too sensitive. You can't be at the top of everyone's priority list every minute of every day. Sometimes people are going to have other stuff to do. A social media message isn't like a phone call; it doesn't have to be an instant real-time chat.

YABU. If you need people to respond instantly to you pick up the phone and call them. The whole point of messaging is that you don’t have to. Sometimes I’ll respond immediately, sometimes I’ll read it and respond when I have a bit more time or want to give some thought to what I’m going to say, and sometimes it slips through the net and I forget.

YABVU.

No one owes us their instant attention. If I get a notification while I’m with friends, my kids, busy or out I’ll have a quick look to ensure it’s nothing urgent. If not, I’ll respond when I’m sitting down later, or possibly the next day or two if it was just someone touching base.

In the meantime I might post something that occurs to me, or a photo I took, or link to an article I found interesting.

Except my Dad, where not hearing from him usually means he is in a bad way, I don’t expect my friends and family to respond to me right away. I’m not that important, they have their own lives going on. We make time for each other when it works for us, not to one or another’s imposed schedule.

Accept you may be the protagonist in your life but you’re a bit player in others’ lives. It’s very freeing.

As someone mentioned upthread. Looking at insta stories etc requires no effort. It can be playing in the background while you are doing things even.
Also if your message is not important or has no time limit, then the 5 minute break that they got, they might want to just enjoy relaxing rather than responding to messages.
As I said above, I actually respond quickly to messages but I understand when others do not.
Unless your message is a really fun message whereas they cannot put their phone down and have to reply quickly to know your response,(usually seen in the beginning of new relationships)
then they will just respond to you when they are in the frame of mind to respond to a message. You most likely won't be the only one they respond to after a while. So no hurt intended.

Because sometimes I don't have the mental energy for a conversation. Especially with some friends who turn the conversation completely on to themselves within 2 messages. Scrolling endlessly is mind numbing and requires absolutely nothing from me and some days that's all I can do.

Because it’s easier to contact people. People spend all day reading and responding to emails, being responsible for others - having so many expectations on them and obligations. Sometimes they reach their limit. Scrolling and posting a reply or a like is a one way thing so it doesn’t bring more obligations. A conversation via text or WhatsApp does and sometimes it’s too much. And maybe by the time they feel better they have forgotten because there’s been so much in between. People are having to prioritise their own health due to the ease of access. I wouldn’t take it personally, and I’m sure I have done this to friends as well

"how do people prioritise looking at stories or scrolling on instagram over replying to someone?"

Because you can mindlessly scroll SM or mindlessly post a story. Whereas engaging in conversation takes energy that people don't always have.

I'll be honest, I have a friend who sounds like you, gets annoyed when people don't respond within the timescale that she deems acceptable and then when you do reply, ask why you didn't respond earlier or sometimes messages before you've responded to the previous messages asking if you saw it. She is hard work. Therefore it takes me a lot longer to respond to her than it does my other friends as she just zaps so much mental energy from me.

But this is what I don't understand- how do people prioritise looking at stories or scrolling on instagram over replying to someone?

Well, why shouldn't they? Maybe they're not in the mood for messaging people, but are in the mood to look at content or post a few pics instead. Chatting with friends is meant to be an enjoyable leisure activity, not an obligation. Why should they be obliged to chat when YOU want to, rather than when THEY want to?

I have a message in my FB inbox from a friend at the moment; it arrived yesterday morning. I went on FB in my lunchbreak but I was scrolling while eating my sandwich and wanted a break from typing and composing messages, given that I'd spent a lot of the morning emailing and so on for work. I was on my phone again, on and off, while I was cooking dinner, and then I went up and had a bath. While I was having a bath I was looking at some pictures on Insta and Pinterest, but I was also listening to an audiobook so wasn't sending any messages to anyone because I was listening to the story - I was liking/saving images and that was all. This morning I posted something in my own stories because I happened to see something that made me laugh on my way to the newsagent, but that took me two seconds and I wasn't about to start messaging my friend for ten minutes solid while I was walking down the street.

I'll reply to her message when I feel like I'm in the right mood and have some time where I'm able to actually send a nice chatty message and put some thought into it. That might be today or tomorrow, I don't know. It doesn't mean I don't care about my friend - I do! She's awesome. And she knows I think she's awesome.