To feel a bit hurt when people act this way

[Srx1]

It happens to me sometimes that I message a friend and they don't respond for a day or 234 however I can see that they have either been online or even posted an Instagram story or even looked at mine in the meantime. I understand people are busy and have lives but in these situations obviously not that busy. So they either don't care or they 'forgot'. When they eventually do respond, I just feel annoyed and don't even feel like responding anymore because I feel I don't matter to these people anyway. But of course I do because I feel bad if I ignore someone. And so I end up feeling like a fool.

Am I too sensitive? I just can't understand why have people forgotten how to communicate now that is easier than ever to reach out to someone. It doesn't help that I currently don't have close friends nearby due to moving so these things hurt a bit more.

Thanks everyone for the responses, it's interesting to see everyone's opinion on this! ☺️

Just to clarify few things: I'm not needy nor I think that I'm so important that everyone has to drop everything and respond to me straight away☺️

I am a person who likes to occasionally make an effort to text someone and show them I think of them and try to maintain a relationship rather than relying on liking someone's photos on social media and to think this is it, this is what communication is now about, if you get me. I didn't realise it is normal to not respond for days and days especially as some of these people are constantly on their phones so I didn't understand what the problem was. I will keep this in mind in future. 😬

I was also thinking from my perspective which is that I don't like to leave a person waiting for suuuper long for a response, just felt polite to respond when possible rather that scroll away on IG.

I had a situation recently where a friend texted me asking for an update on an important health situation to do with me and when I responded they didn't say anything for several days. Only to then send a completely unrelated unimportant message about something else not even acknowledging what I said.
So i was confused and asked if they got that previous message for them to say oh yeah and was gonna reply but ... and then had an excuse. That I don't think I was unreasonable about. I would never be like that..

I guess I will lower my expectations and also try not to feel bad if I leave someone waiting. Maybe I'm just too old school when it comes to friendships 😄

Maybe I'm just too old school when it comes to friendships

No, quite the opposite. It used to be very normal, pre mobile phones and social media, just to catch up with friends by phone every so often. No expectation of constant messages at all.

Wow. This response is very "Well ok, I hear you, but I guess I'm just a better person and I should be less awesome to accomodate everyone else being shit".
It really doesn't make you sound any less needy or self-sbsorbed.

@SuperPets No, this is how you understood it. I was just explaining my point of view, no sarcasm intended.

Me too.

I'm also dealing with chronic health conditions and get fatigued very easily, so there are times when even replying to a simple message feels too much. My friends are very understanding and I guess it helps that if one of them is upset I'll drop everything and prioritise them.

I used to feel the same way as you, op, it was only when I found myself on the other side that I got it.

This is a very good point. People used to be able to get on with their day without mindless interruptions.

Now everything has become more instant, people expect instant responses.

I have to say, as well, OP, that if you are the type of person who would ask after a few days why you've not had a response, it would de motivate me to respond to you. I'd see your message pop up and feel a tug of expectation and think "ffs"

YABU. There are loads of reasons why they might not respond.

Personally, sometimes I don't want to respond as I don't always have the time or mental energy to get into a back-and-forth chat with someone. At other times, I've had time to read the message in between jobs but don't necessarily have the chance to reply, and then I inevitably forget or get distracted by something else.

Not everything is personal, so don't take it that way. You sending a message also shouldn't place any obligation on other people to respond if they don't want to.

Going through this with my sister - in this case, I’m the one who takes longer to reply and “force her to beg for my attention”. I’m heavily pregnant, preparing for the birth itself and the baby, moving house, training someone to replace me during mat leave at work, have physical and mental health problems, and she doesn’t understand I can’t prioritise her. I’ve also explained it’s not good for my mental health to be on my phone. None of this matters, everything is about her, her needs, wants, demands, etc. result: I’ve practically cut contact. Don’t expect others to fit into your expectations. You don’t know wha they have going on. Their Instagram checks could be the way they avoid the world, escapism. Are all your messages either urgent or something that requires a simple yes or no? Why is it ok to expect others to behave as you want them to, without regard for their circumstances, priorities, needs or preferences?

This! It would make me dread getting a message from you. Here comes demands and I must reply within a set timeframe or I’ll get told off.

You would hate me. I can take days to reply. It's not intentional most of the time. To be honest I think it stems from the fact that I utterly despise texting. Everything about it. I have fat fingers that hit the wrong buttons constantly so it takes me ages to write out a literate message. I also find conversations by text very stunted and they don't flow well. You could be replying to 4 or 5 different questions/subject matters in one text - that's not how normal conversations work. To be completely honest, I find them quite boring. I also won't text while I'm in the middle of other things. If we're out for dinner or a walk, etc I will be present with the person I'm with. If my husband nips to the loo I'll flick through Instagram, but I wouldn't start getting into a text convo.
I'm not someone who needs a lot of attention off others and the fact is takes me a long time to reply is no reflection of how I feel about them, but if they started staying the felt put out by it, it would probably put me off even more (unless their text had been about something important).

@Littleduck80 and that is fine, I understand and respect that - I know some people are like that. I'm not a fan of endless texting either. I was talking more about people who I know are constantly on their phones and text normally and who, like in my example in previous messages, don't acknowledge an important response that they originally asked for but then came back days after with something totally unrelated. No one addressed that but everyone seems to be quick to assume things about me, such as that I think I should be the centre of everyone's world or that I directly demand replies or else...and so on @user656709 I'm sorry you're going through that with your sister, however, I am not like that. I think things got a bit exaggerated along the way through this post.

I appreciate and understand people's busy lives, problems and everything mentioned as a potential reason and again, I wasn't saying I expect instant replies. It wasn't about that, maybe I didn't explain but it is tricky to sometimes to explain different situations in few sentences. I felt slightly ignored by some people but if you all say it is ok not to respond for days and still everything being ok, I thank you all for proving me wrong as I didn't see things that way but now I will have in mind. But I don't think there is a need for all sorts of assumptions about me. Just wanted to hear peoples opinion on this and their experience to put things into perspective. Thanks all

Yes apologies for my post, it’s an unrelated example and you didn’t say anything like what she does.
that said, I do think people have different ways of relating and communicating and the Instagram scrolling could be escapism so, don’t take personally as many have said. The example you used of a friend who asked for health update then didn’t comment on it only to start some other convo is odd tbh.

If someone text and say asked me to come to something or asked a question that needed an answer yes I’d reply asap if it’s just a chatty message I’d wait till I had time to read and reply. I do my best however I have 4 kids, dog, cat and long hours as a nurse so occasionally I have looked at a text thought I’d reply and totally forgotten but thought I have replied.

I’m a human and sometimes I make a mistake but I would apologise to the person if that has happened. you can’t keep friends by ignoring them and seeming disinterested. Thankfully my friends are similar to me - busy etc so understand but hopefully as kids get older it’ll be easier re time and being able to meet up. Youngest has additional needs so I feel I rarely get out with friends these days as he can’t be left with anyone except myself or his dad.

I felt slightly ignored by some people but if you all say it is ok not to respond for days and still everything being ok, I thank you all for proving me wrong as I didn't see things that way but now I will have in mind.

Why did you think it meant things weren't okay, though?

@sunsetsandsandybeaches Just because people drift away when you're not in touch and if you can't see each other often so they just start communicating less and less. Most of my friends are now far away and I really value them, especially the ones I've known for years and years

if you can't see each other often so they just start communicating less and less.

This is honestly not my experience.

Although I've moved around a lot, I am still in touch with some friends from schooldays. The key thing is not how often we are in touch, but the quality of that relationship when we are in touch.

Some love quite close, others live on a different continent. We don't get to see each other all that often, but when we are in touch or when we do get together, we fall right back into the closeness of forty years ago.

Frequency of contact is for me absolutely no measure of friendship.

I do absolutely know how tough it can be when you move away. My best advice for you is to really make an effort to find new contacts in your new area.

Be flexible and patient with new people. Ideally, you already have something, such as an interest in common. Don't dismiss anyone out of hand. Have a go at being a friend to them and see what happens. Many will slip away for all sorts of reasons. If you are lucky and persevere, some will stick.

You can still friends with the people you met before you moved. Friendships can expand almost infinitely to include other people, as the opening line of a poem by Chalker goes

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”

All the best.

You don't need to respond to someone's messages quickly to prove your friendship though - at least, it shouldn't be that way.

Just because someone is online doesn't mean they're available or willing to chat to you - there's really no need to take it personally. I'm often mindlessly scrolling Reddit during breaks at work but I don't want to get caught in a conversation as I know I'll have to rush off soon and if I start chatting, I'll get distracted and have to ignore the person mid-conversation.

I think you are maybe assuming others whatsapp habits are like yours. But this will not always be the case. I’m in four what’s app groups, four busy ones, and have about twenty folks messaging regularly. Due to this you would stay on read or not responded to for a period, it’s not about you, it’s about the fact I’ve a shit lot of messages and other shit to do.

The sheer number of notifications everyone receives these days is totally overwhelming

Phone friends for a chat. Arrange to meet for coffee or a meal or a walk. That's where real communication happens. Not on what's App / social media. I don't want my life to be my phone.

Because scrolling mindlessly on social media requires far less emotional and intellectual investment and time than crafting a text message which may also require you to check your calendar/bank balance first.

I kind of know what you mean and I do take umbrage when people are routinely shit at getting back to me.

But you can’t expect people to justify their digital habits to you every time you communicate with them. You aren’t paying them and you don’t get to police what they do in their spare time like this.

I think it's the volume of messages they may be replying to. So unless something is a question that requires an easy response like yes/no to plans or is something urgent, I can take a day to reply. Cuz I have messages from work, various social groups, my partner, family - its a lot of contact and so I need to prioritise who/what I reply to. Or I'd spend all day on my phone just messaging which I hate. Definitely not because I don't care about the person but I just don't have the bandwidth. Social media is mindless browsing or a post to reach as many people at once - it doesn't require as much thought as a message to someone specific does.

OP, the fact of the matter is that some people, like me, reply in priority of importance.
So, I'd reply to my sister or a really close friend more quickly than I would someone I'm not so close to. Or, if a time specific answer is needed, I'll get back to an acquaintance or more distant friend sooner than I would than if they had sent me a generic "Hi. How are you?" message.
Sometimes I don't reply for a day or a few days; my friends are similar.
Despite your protestations to the contrary, you sound needy and this possibly stems from social isolation and/or feeling lonely?

YABU. My friend gives me a hard time about this. She messages too much. If someone messages me why do I owe them a prompt reply? I didn't ask them to send their message.