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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit heartbroken for DD

81 replies

rainbowsunshineclouds · 01/08/2022 22:48

DD is 3 and has a really good friend (let's call her Ruby) that we've met up with regularly since she was 6 weeks old. They've known each other ages and play together really nicely.

They've both gone to different preschools for a couple of mornings per week, and Ruby's mum was telling me that she asked Ruby who her best friend was and Ruby answered that it was a little girl from her preschool (let's call her Rosie) rather than my DD.

I realise it's all a bit petty, and they're only 3, and you would expect them all to make new friends at school. But my DD doesn't have one special friend from school, just various other children that she plays with.

We are going to playgroup this week and both Ruby and Rosie will be there. It'll be the first time my DD, Ruby and Rosie have been all together and I'm just worried that it'll be a first experience of rejection for my DD. :(

OP posts:
LaCorOr · 01/08/2022 22:50

I'm sure the three of them will play together beautifully. My 3 year olds best friend changes depending on who she has been with that day. It's usually the cat.

minipie · 01/08/2022 22:51

In the nicest way, you are really, really overthinking this. And so is Ruby’s mum. Children of 3 don’t think of people as “best friends” unless they’ve been taught to by their parents.

jimmyhill · 01/08/2022 22:51

Haha yeah get ready for years and years of this

lickenchugget · 01/08/2022 22:51

OP, you’ve got years of this ahead, try and develop a slightly thicker skin now. And please encourage your DD to embrace new friends and see it positively.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 01/08/2022 22:57

Hi OP,

I promise I mean this very kindly, but they are three years old. They can't often remember what happened the day before, let alone know what a true best friend is.

With the best will in the world, YABU. She will make other friends. That's not to invalidate your feelings at all. But this is perfectly normal.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 01/08/2022 22:57

I totally understand why you feel a bit sad for DD.

The DM sounds really childish, doesn't she realise that you have room for many best friends aged 3.

Your DD will join in happily and meet a more friends in her own preschool.

The DM is your friend I assume? She has shown her cards.

If the situation was reversed would you ask DD silly questions.

Penguinfeather781 · 01/08/2022 23:11

Ruby’s Mum is daft asking that question. Child is 3, she’ll say whichever friend she last saw probably. They’ll almost certainly play together very happily - if they don’t your daughter is 3 and if the adults around don’t take the random whims of a 3 year old as some kind of personal rejection then she won’t either.

Neither of my children has a “best friend” - they have several good friends, which in my experience is much less drama. I don’t encourage “best” “special” friend stuff.

Outlyingtrout · 01/08/2022 23:30

Ruby's mum is ridiculous for encouraging this "best friends" nonsense. Kids don't need a best friend. It's much healthier to have a wide circle of friends than to encourage an intense friendship with one child. And why did she tell you that she'd asked Ruby and that Ruby named a different kid as her BF? It seems a weird thing to say. Was she trying to make you feel jealous or something? Bizarre.

The best you can do for your daughter is to encourage her to play with lots of friends and not worry about having one best friend.

Kanaloa · 01/08/2022 23:34

Honestly I’ve worked in childcare for years plus have four of my own and three year olds don’t really have best friends. If you ask an average three year old ‘who is your best friend’ they’ll scan the room before answering ‘hmm Thomas’ because their eye fell on him. Or they’ll say mummy is their best friend because she gave them a sweetie. Oh but now daddy is their best friend because he bought them new shoes. And Rosie is because we wore the same dress at nursery on Friday and Ruby is my best friend because we played PJ Masks. I really wouldn’t let it fuss you at all.

It’s preschool, not Malory Towers, where everyone must have only one ‘special friend.’ The girls will all be best friends once they’ve played together for five seconds.

Sprogonthetyne · 01/08/2022 23:43

Even at 5 my DS's "best friend" is usually kid he most recently played with. At that age it changes all the time and doesn't mean anything. I'm sure all three of them will play together fine.

Tablechairtable · 02/08/2022 00:10

And tomorrow her best friend will be someone else. Don't worry about it. Really. Your dd will fall out with friends over the years you'll worry about it all day while they at school and they come out with the friend they've fallen out with. You'll be more worried than they are. Hopefully you won't have anything more serious to be worried about but this is the least of anythingvto be concerned about espnat this age. I mean this in the nicest of ways. Also dcs learn through disappointment the most. It makes them stronger.

bridgetreilly · 02/08/2022 02:16

You know, you can be a bit sad without being heartbroken. Try not to get things completely out of perspective.

changzi · 02/08/2022 03:43

Unfortunately you have to let them learn how to navigate friendships without you getting too invested. As PP's said, there's years of this ahead!

With each disappointment she will learn new things about relationships and herself so try to see it all as a learning experience.

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2022 03:48

Sorry, this shows a lack of understanding of development in children. Children at 3yo do not have a concept of ‘best friends’. If asked they are likely to say the last person they saw, a family member or pet even. It’s not a thing and nothing to be heartbroken over or have talk about rejection and so forth.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2022 04:00

I wouldn't be sad for her any more than my goldfish. 'Best friends' is a concept for older children.

Coyoacan · 02/08/2022 04:30

I hate the overuse of the term best friend. Sometimes in life we genuinely do have one best friend , but normally we have several dear friends. The question can be a bit on the par with asking a mother which is her favourite child

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2022 05:48

Please don’t encourage best friends. My dd only now for the first time at 14 has someone, she could perhaps consider a best friend. She’s at an age, where children are starting to mature enough to grasp it’s ok to have other friends and it’s easier if they haven’t been preoccupied with a just one best friend mentality.

At 11, dd had a very good friend, whom I did like and was kind and caring. After a long lockdown summer, I realised she was also very possessive and had been preventing dd from being herself. I spoke to dd about it being ok to have other friends and encouraged her to contact the girls from her new secondary, who’d been trying all year to be dd’s friend. As a result the possessive girl’s mother painted my dd as a villain for wanting to widen her friendship group and compounded by lockdown, things turned very ugly. It was an awful time as dd was slagged off in the village and the girl did her best to turn the other 2 girls in their friendship group against dd. It worked for a while but the other girls, having been friends with dd for longer, eventually dropped the other girl. In the end it was the other girl, who was far more hurt than my dd as dd has other friends to fall back on.

Dd has always had a few best friends and friendship groups. This is the best and most healthy way. It means that if something happens in a friendship group, you have another to fall back on. This is what she was able to do when things unfortunately went wrong with the girl.

HeartofTeFiti · 02/08/2022 05:56

My ds age 3 told me I was his best friend the other day. Then 30 seconds later he told me daddy was his best friend, then his key worker Bianca, then his friend Archie… they have no clue what it means. A few weeks ago he told a complete stranger in the park, she was his best friend promptly followed by, “what’s your name?”

kids are not reliable at this age!

Vikinga · 02/08/2022 05:57

All mine (4 kids) regularly change their best friends depending on who they are around.

The only one affected has been me as I end up missing some of those kids!

I however still have my best friends. one I've known since being 1.

SpringRainbow · 02/08/2022 06:01

At 3 years old they are way too young for best friends. It’s also not something that I would really encourage very little kids to think about.

Children and friendships are very complex and they are constantly evolving. Trust me, there are years of them being best friends one day but enemies the next.

The best thing you can do is just be there supporting and encouraging them.

Flowersintheattic57 · 02/08/2022 06:23

Rejection grows resilience. Embrace it for yourself and your child. Encourage solutions and positive outlooks suggested. Enough with the catastrophising.

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 02/08/2022 06:27

'Heartbroken"?

You really are over thinking this OP. These kids are 3 years old. Playgroup hasn't even happened yet.

The notion of best friends for kids of this age is really silly. Do you just want your kid and your friends kid to play together and with nobody else? What if they do play together and Rosie is 'rejected'? Do you gently encourage them all to play together, or will you be glad your dd has got her 'best friend' back and they are leaving Rosie out?

MrsDThomas · 02/08/2022 06:35

She is 3.

if you feel sad now wait till she goes to secondary school.

SquigglePigs · 02/08/2022 06:36

DD is three. Her best friend changes every couple of days depending who she's been playing with. Really don't worry about them, they will still enjoy playing together.

TenRedThings · 02/08/2022 06:43

I'd be questioning why Ruby's mum would say that to you. She may just be thoughtless in her words. Be aware some people use comments like this to deliberately undermine you, I'd watch carefully how your friend is towards you and remember it's not you or your DD that have a problem here.

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