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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit heartbroken for DD

81 replies

rainbowsunshineclouds · 01/08/2022 22:48

DD is 3 and has a really good friend (let's call her Ruby) that we've met up with regularly since she was 6 weeks old. They've known each other ages and play together really nicely.

They've both gone to different preschools for a couple of mornings per week, and Ruby's mum was telling me that she asked Ruby who her best friend was and Ruby answered that it was a little girl from her preschool (let's call her Rosie) rather than my DD.

I realise it's all a bit petty, and they're only 3, and you would expect them all to make new friends at school. But my DD doesn't have one special friend from school, just various other children that she plays with.

We are going to playgroup this week and both Ruby and Rosie will be there. It'll be the first time my DD, Ruby and Rosie have been all together and I'm just worried that it'll be a first experience of rejection for my DD. :(

OP posts:
Sartre · 02/08/2022 08:15

Three year old’s change their minds like the wind so I’d imagine Ruby said this because she was thinking of that person at the time, not because she actually thinks of her as her ‘best friend’. At three they won’t even understand the concept of a best friend.

Wishyfishy · 02/08/2022 08:18

Oh OP you are way overthinking this.

My youngest says a different person every time she is asked who her best friend is. If I remind her with the boy who she really does seem to love the most she’ll say “Oh yeah, Tom is my best friend” but if she didn’t see him that day he’ll be out of her mind and she’ll name someone else even a random child she’s just met.

In my experience once they start school they have a long list of “best” friends and you get “Lucy is my first best friend and Charlie is my second best friend and Fred is my third best friend”. Also them coming out of school clutching the hand of someone they have never ever mention before announcing “we’re best friends!”

Marvellousmadness · 02/08/2022 08:35

Bahhahaa "heartbroken"
Seriously op. Get a grip

Fingeronthebutton · 02/08/2022 08:37

God in heaven!!!!! What have we come to where mothers are worried that their 3yr old is going to suffer rejection 😱

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 02/08/2022 08:40

Friendships will change lots over the years OP plus 3 is really young to be having a best friend.

I also would caution against the whole 'best friend' or 'special friend' thing because it can alienate children from the others and they can then struggle to find new friendships when that friend is off school sick or if the friendship deteriorates. I have had this with both of mine and now encourage a circle of friends rather than just one main friend.

marcopront · 02/08/2022 08:45

One of the things that made me realise that the first school my daughter was at was not the right one was when asked who her best friend was she only ever named two people. She was 3 at the time.
We moved to a new school and every time she was asked she named a different person.

I worked at both of them.

TheTeenageYears · 02/08/2022 08:45

Ruby's mum is ridiculous for asking Ruby who her best friend is. That kind of BFF talk should be actively discouraged even if a child suggests it but no parent of a 3 year old should be planting/encouraging that sort of question.

speakout · 02/08/2022 08:47

TheTeenageYears · 02/08/2022 08:45

Ruby's mum is ridiculous for asking Ruby who her best friend is. That kind of BFF talk should be actively discouraged even if a child suggests it but no parent of a 3 year old should be planting/encouraging that sort of question.

Totally agree.
At this age children should be encouraged to have several friends. Having a "best friend" can be exclusive and limiting for the child.

Testina · 02/08/2022 08:47

I’d ask your child’s father to take over parenting for Y3-Y5. You’re in for a rough ride!!!

misskatamari · 02/08/2022 08:53

Honestly, this is a complete non-issue for your daughter. Kids generally just play adjacently until way older than three, they have no concept of "best friends" until they're older.

My advice would be to look within and see if you can identify why this bothers you so much. As when we feel upset like this, over something that really isn't a "problem" it's usually more about us than it is the child in the situation. Is it pulling up your own feelings of rejection, loneliness, being left out etc. Can you sit with those feelings and let that inner child part of yourself be heard? Honestly, your daughter will be absolutely fine ❤️

SuperPets · 02/08/2022 08:53

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 02/08/2022 06:59

Why on earth did the mum tell you her DD had specified another child as her best friend? That's rather tactless IMO.

Not really. Who would imagine a grown woman and parent could possibly be bothered by it?

sdfsdipf9ue · 02/08/2022 08:56

Oh God, PP are all right. The "best friends" thing is awful. Children need to be encouraged to have lots of friends. With luck, they'll end up having different friends at school from the friends at Cubs/football/drama/whatever so they're not stuck with a toxic 'best friend' pressure cooker.

Ruby's mum is silly for asking Ruby who her best friend is, and I can't even begin to imagine why she recounted this to you - unless she is herself an overgrown primary school girl who is trying to score a point of some sort ("Your DD thinks she's my DD's best friend, but she isn't"). If that's the case, I'd keep her very much at arm's length.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 02/08/2022 08:56

Rubys mum sounds either a nasty piece of work or just plain stupid. I’d go with stupid personally. Who is going to ask a 3 year old who their best friend is. It will change every day anyway, a 3 year old is nowhere near capable of understanding the concept of best friends. On top of that why would she even tell you about that conversation. Seems like she’s one of those who like a reaction
You daughter hasn’t been rejected, you are overthinking this, don’t whatever you do, mention anything to her about this either. It’s just Rubys mum being a twat, nothing more

SparkyBlue · 02/08/2022 08:57

You are way overthinking this and like everyone else says please try to avoid the whole best friend thing.

Also the mum is showing her true colours as that was a ridiculous thing to say so you don't need this crap going forward so definitely encourage lots of more friendships and play dates.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 02/08/2022 08:59

Ruby's mum is trying to big her daughter up as a popular girl with friendship choices but all this is based on the capricious behaviour of 3 year olds and cannot be taken as something meaningful.

She may not have realised how her words would come across to you but she should have. She chose stealth bragging over consideration for your feelings. I do not doubt that Ruby is a lovely friend for your DD but her DM is not a lovely friend for you!

MsTSwift · 02/08/2022 08:59

You need to toughen up. In 10 years you will be the mother of a 13 year old girl. Then it gets brutal.

Mally100 · 02/08/2022 09:02

SuperPets · 02/08/2022 08:53

Not really. Who would imagine a grown woman and parent could possibly be bothered by it?

Show quote history

What's up with these threads lately. Posters are heartbroken, devastated and rejected. No wonder kids are turning out unable to cope with anything upsetting If parents are behaving like this.

Ourlady · 02/08/2022 09:11

Crikey. Ruby’s Mum is starting very early with the competitive friendships. She’s crackers. Take not notice.

Ihatemyroad · 02/08/2022 09:11

This is just the start!

They're SO young their ‘best friend’ will change regularly and they’ll probably be times when they declare they’re not friends with each other at all.

Are you sure it’s their friendship your worried about losing? Could it be you’re also worried about losing this mum friend if the children move on to new friends and see each other less?

SuperPets · 02/08/2022 09:13

Ourlady · 02/08/2022 09:11

Crikey. Ruby’s Mum is starting very early with the competitive friendships. She’s crackers. Take not notice.

Or she was just makig small talk and it never occurred to her that anyone could consider her comments in such a crazy way as you have. More likely.

3peassuit · 02/08/2022 09:17

Best friends change hourly at that age. I really wouldn’t give it a moments thought.

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2022 09:21

You have a friend @rainbowsunshineclouds who has a daughter of a similar age who play nicely together that’s it. They are too young to think of anything else. I still see my good antenatal friend and whereas DD and her DS played nicely when 3 at 13 they are awkward around each other!

godmum56 · 02/08/2022 09:23

Outlyingtrout · 01/08/2022 23:30

Ruby's mum is ridiculous for encouraging this "best friends" nonsense. Kids don't need a best friend. It's much healthier to have a wide circle of friends than to encourage an intense friendship with one child. And why did she tell you that she'd asked Ruby and that Ruby named a different kid as her BF? It seems a weird thing to say. Was she trying to make you feel jealous or something? Bizarre.

The best you can do for your daughter is to encourage her to play with lots of friends and not worry about having one best friend.

yup. Ruby's mum shouldn't be asking stupid questions then rabbiting on about the answers.

butterflied · 02/08/2022 09:24

If this leaves you heartbroken life as a parent will probably be a rough ride. Get some perspective.

Treabrea · 02/08/2022 09:26

Are you projecting a bit here?

DC1 wanted to tell me about her best friends then listed the names of every child in her preschool. I'm not even convinced half of them were real names.

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